


have mercy on me

by viktuuriousred



Series: Clue AU [4]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - 1920s, Great Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Minor Character Death, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Racism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-09-07 05:20:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 64,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16847908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viktuuriousred/pseuds/viktuuriousred
Summary: (part of Scarlett; Lounge; Candlestick; formerly scarlet tears)Imagine that you're a mentally ill minority living in the 1920s. Imagine how easy it is to NOT get better from your mental illness when the whole world seems against you and NO ONE (not even your lovely husband) seems to understand. He believes the doctors when they say you need to be sent away to a mental institution, but chooses one that's more than a thousand miles from home, in your home town, Atlanta, Georgia.At this point, it looks like it's up to you to heal on your own.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I keep redoing this one. This version of our original "Scarlet tears" is a lot different in some ways. For one, we're going back in time a little bit. This completely contradicts the timeline of "Scarlett" which won't be adjusted because this version goes against the entire storyline. This story will take place in 1929-1930. Additionally, the major plot point of Yuuri and Victor's last child is erased. We're going to take things down a different route this time. Consider this a... huge deleted scene. An AU of the AU, if you will.
> 
> Also, this one is about 2x darker than the former one. Enjoy! :)

“So, did we really ever find out who did what the night of the murder?” The conversation had lulled moments before, and Yuri almost stood up to leave before Chris broke the silence. The men were gathered around drinking; someone was shuffling cards and another fumbling with the piano, trying to figure out an upbeat tune to play.

“Excuse me?” Georgi piped up. “We know what happened. Yakov killed the maid, the maid killed the cook. End of story."

“And what about the person at the door?” added Otabek.

“Does that really matter?” Chris scoffed. “Anyway, I don’t care who killed Yakov, all I know is they’re probably living large right now, knowing they got away with it.”

“I still think it was Viktor Nikiforov.” JJ poured himself another glass of wine. “Where’d he go, anyway?”

Yuri hid a smile. “Oh, he’s dealing with the pig. Having another one of those little fits, I think.”

“Fits?” Georgi bit the tip of his glasses. “What do you mean?” Being an expert in the psychological field, he was intrigued. It wasn’t as if he didn’t already know, either, being that he and Viktor had always been close. He was just looking for an excuse to spread the gossip around to the other men, all of which were listening quite intently now.

Originally I had quite clearly expressed that I didn’t want to come to this little get together. In fact, until that day, I’d been trying to convince Viktor not to go at all, but earlier in the day I’d snapped and decided we were both going. I now know how much of a mistake it was.

Yuri wasn’t sure if he should be sharing such sensitive information with the other men, but gossip was gossip and it would be rude to leave them hanging like this. “Yuuri fell apart after the second one was born, I don’t know why. He went away for a while to get better, and recently he’s relapsed again. Viktor doesn’t want to send him to a hospital, he’s too protective and prideful. So now, he has to deal with this nonsense, and I do too.”

“I thought you moved out,” Chris smiled behind his wine glass. “Something about an engagement…?”

“Yeah, shut up.” Yuri’s cheeks darkened. “With my current finances, I would never be able to afford a place of my own. I live in their guest house. Yes, it’s hell, but it’s better than being homeless.”

“I’m sure the Nikiforovs are… wonderful… to live with.” Chris replied carefully. “And what about Mr. Altin?”

The look on Yuri’s face as he said “I don’t know” told Chris he should shut up and quick.

“Well, he is a lovely young man,” Upon hearing a strange sound coming from somewhere else in the house, Georgi quickly stood up, “Ah, if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, and- and Mrs. Leroy,” he nodded towards JJ’s wife, who seldom ever spoke to anyone except JJ (and passed an occasional letter to me), “I need a smoke.”  

Georgi hadn’t smoked in years, and there would’ve been no trouble for him to do so indoors, but it was the only excuse he could come up with. He wanted to talk to Viktor without raising any suspicion.

They all knew what happened. How could they pretend they didn't see me make a spectacle of myself all evening? It's why I never attended parties anymore, events of any sort, or wandered outside of my neighborhood. I knew what people thought of me. Neighbors who saw me "talking to myself" as I walked the streets, unaware that I was actually praying for God to have mercy on me and my family. 

No one seemed to understand that.

I did alright that evening. I was polite, I smiled, I listened to everyone's conversations and spoke when I needed to, very politely. But something made me snap. It started happening once they started discussing where they worked, and Georgi mentioned something about an influx in women being admitted into his psychiatric facility. He detailed as to why that was, including loss of children, divorces, miscarriage, and the want for independence— and how ridiculous that was. Then, the conversation shifted to immigration and race and politics and—

I started to feel as if my throat was closing up, and no matter how much water I drank, it didn't help. My hands started to tremble and I felt flushed. Viktor finally glanced at me, but he didn't know what to do. He rested his hand on my knee and continued the conversation as if nothing was happening. But I couldn't take it anymore. I stood so quickly that the table rattled. "I'm sorry—" I managed to choke out before fleeing the dining room. Everyone was looking at me, and when I left, everyone must have been talking about the fiasco that I caused. Every day, I wondered... why couldn't I just be normal? Why did I have to feel this way?

I cried in the washroom for about five minutes until Viktor insisted that I open the door to at least let him in. He sat on the floor with me in his lap and stroked my hair, waiting for me to calm down. We talked a little, but eventually I felt like he wasn't truly listening to what I was saying, he just wanted me to stop talking. And then he reached into his coatpocket and retrieved the bottle of Veronal. My worst enemy and my best friend. 

(Every few weeks, I'm taken to different doctors around the state of New York for their opinion on my "condition". It's become exhausting, and almost ridiculous because of what these doctors say about me. Some say I just need a more active sex life. Some say Viktor should be more strict with me. Some say it is a phase that will pass. Some recommend me being hospitalized. Some recommend the rest cure. And finally, one prescribed me tranquilizers. When taken in full dosage, I usually get very sleepy. Sometimes I'll take a nap for several hours. But when taken by halves, I get so calm that I can hardly speak. I feel like I'm in a dream.)

"Take your tranquilizer, Yuuri. You'll feel better, you always do." Viktor urges. "And then we can go home. You'll sleep well, and..."

"No. I don't want them..." I said, covering my eyes. "They make me so tired and say foolish things. I don't want anyone to see me like that." 

"They'll understand. I'll explain everything." Viktor holds out a pill. "Please, Yuuri, for me." 

And I wanted to, especially for him. So I took the pill and swallowed it, but then I started to gag. 

"Yuuri, no..."

But I couldn't help myself. I felt terrible the moment I put it in my mouth. And, growing tired of the intense urge to gag, I barbarically shoved a finger down my throat until that pill was no longer in my system. Viktor stared at me, horrified, gaping, unsure of what to do. And then his expression darkens. "Get up. I've made up my mind."

.

“You’re going.” Viktor currently had me pinned against the front door, palm resting against the handle should I try to grab it and make my escape like I had already tried before.

“I’m not.” I struggled to free myself from his grip, tears streaming down my face. 

“You are.”

“I’m _not_!” I ducked under his arm, free for only a moment before he had a grip on my shoulder.

“You _are_ ! _Sit down_!”

I did so immediately. The randomly placed folding chair made that convenient.

“Damn you…” Massaging his temples, Viktor paced in front of me, looking not at all affected by my words. He was not wearing anything fancy, as we’d been arguing all day and he was too angry to dress properly. I decided to challenge him again while he was weak. “You can’t make me go to such a terrible place. What authority do you have?”

“I’m your husband.” Viktor leaned over me, so close that his bangs touched the top of my head. “I have complete authority of your care when you’re deemed unstable, which you have been.”

My mouth hung open. “I- I’m not _unstable_!”

“Yes you _are_!” He snapped. It’d been an endless cycle of this argument for the entire day, worsening throughout the evening. “You can’t even sit at a table of acquaintances without having one of your nervous fits, you’ve neglected all responsibility at home, you’ve lost quite a bit of weight because you won’t eat, and you barely sleep either! Yes, I’ve noticed. I don’t want to send you to a facility; it’d break my heart to leave you trapped in such a wretched place. But what other choice do I have? I’m losing you.”

I turned my head as a show of defiance. Maybe his words were right, but I didn’t want to hear them.

“Yuuri, look at me. What do you want me to do?”

“Go to hell.” I spat.

“You want to act like a child? Fine, then. We’ll go home.”

Because I didn’t move, he got quite upset. He said before, to someone on the phone when he thought I wasn’t listening, that he felt like he was taking care of a child while around me. How stable, how happy does he expect me to be, after we lost an infant just five months ago to influenza? Did he never care?

“And you can go tell everyone that we’re leaving because you’ve turned yourself into a fool who doesn’t know how to act.” Viktor pushed my coat into my hands, buttoning his own.

I kept my head down. "It comes on so suddenly that I don't know how to control it." My voice cracked. "Please, help me, Viktor, I don't wanna go away..."

.

I didn’t have a choice but to go to the car. Leaning against the window, I struggled to decipher the words on the page I was reading from the book _Pride and Prejudice_. Some smarter people told me it’s a great read, but I’m not smart, and at the moment I was too tired to think hard enough to figure out what the words meant. Reading is much more difficult when you only were on a first-grade reading level at the ripe old age of twenty-one.

But I’ve improved. I can’t say the same for mathematics or science, though. I don’t know how to multiply or divide or what fractions or decimals and percentages are save for what Viktor mentions from work. He went to university after twelve years of formal education. He’s quite smart, too smart for someone as simple-minded as me. When my son needs help with homework, all I can do is shrug and send him off to his father. It always makes me feel quite stupid.

Looking up from my book, I could see Viktor standing at the front door, speaking with Georgi Popovich about something, probably me. I wasn’t wearing my glasses, so I couldn’t see them well. I felt like crying. If he told Georgi about my behavior, Georgi would probably spread the gossip to everyone else, which would eventually develop into some untrue, elaborate story on why I lost my sanity. And... and how dare he even speak of this to anyone else, knowing how sensitive the topic is!

Georgi scribbled something down on a notepad, then tore out the page to give it to Viktor. He nodded. They shook hands.

Viktor got into our car soon after, immediately giving me another one of his critical looks. “Hey.”

“Leave me alone.” I said.

“Yuuri…” He put the car into reverse and backed down the driveway of Chris’ house. “I want you to go to our room and pack up that old suitcase of yours.”

“ _No_.”

“It’s been decided for you. I won’t send you anywhere that there’s a chance of you being unsafe.”

“Y-You’re going to separate me from my children, send me away to be humiliated and-”

“You aren’t going to a hospital, my dear.” He said softly. “I’ll explain everything when we get home.”

Crossing my arms, I tried to prepare some tears should he renew his threat once we got closer to the house. I could bribe him, promising to be on my best behavior if he’d give me another chance, something like that.

If he knew me at all, he’d know that was a lie. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t seem to shake what was happening to me. The only thing I could do to postpone my inevitable sending-away was to start crying. It didn’t take long to; once I started thinking about that poor baby, cold and stiff, I was bawling before we reached our house.

Viktor parked at the very end of our driveway, sliding over to offer me comfort. I laid my head against his chest, and he rubbed circles into my back. “I’m right here, Yuuri.”

“B-But you’re sending me away…”

“Would you really feel better staying here? I can’t see how that would work.” He used a gentle voice, like the kind he has when he comforts one of the children after they’ve had a nightmare.

“I don’t want to be away from you…” I quickly added, “and the children, of course.”

“It won’t be for very long.” He assured me, “I’ll write to you, and you can call me whenever you like, I’ll pay for it, too.”

“And a pretty young woman will come to watch the children while I’m gone, and you’ll fall in love with her and leave me to die alone.” Aha, I just knew that would get him to change his mind!

“Oh darling, you know that isn’t going to happen.” He pressed kisses down the side of my face. “You’re overthinking this, that’s all. Atlanta will be good for you. You can visit with your family while getting better, wouldn’t you like that? You’ve mentioned wanting to visit Mari, and now you have a chance.”

I pulled away from him. “Wait, _Atlanta_? Have you lost your mind?!”

“There’s a wonderful facility that Georgi recommended-”

“How dare you make such an atrocious plan without consulting me! I hate you, Viktor Nikiforov, and if you send me to Atlanta, I’ll never speak to you again!”

"Never mind all that, Yuuri. Please, trust me. You're in good hands.."

I went inside with him. He helped me into my pajamas, and gave me another tranquilizer with a glass of water. He slept beside me, and when I woke up in the middle of the night, I didn't need to take another. Viktor pulled me into his arms and I was too sleepy to think of anything...

***

"Wow, look, it's a lion!" Scarlett points at the center of the bigtop, bouncing excitedly. "Aunt Val, I wanna see the lions! I wanna be a lion tamer!" 

"Not on my watch." She sighs, crossing her legs. "Lions are terribly dangerous animals."  
  
"I always wanted to go to one of _Barnum and Bailey's_ as a child." Viktor lifts Scarlett into his lap and kisses the top of her head. "Now, let's be quiet and see if this really is the greatest show on earth.."

It isn't, in Viktor's opinion, but his children find it very thrilling and talk about it for most of the afternoon. While the two of them eat icecream after the show, Viktor is finally able to discuss Yuuri's situation with his aunt; the primary reason she was there that day was to hear about their troubles. "I heard there was trouble at the party last night."

"He's alright today, he was very loving this morning." Viktor spoke quietly. "But last night was frightening. He made himself throw up his medication. He had a fit at Chris' house. But... but he slept soundly that night. It's always like this."

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"He's okay sometimes, and I start thinking that maybe everything's going to be okay. And then I get proven wrong. I find him...I find him walking around,  _talking to himself_ , and you wouldn't believe the dreadful things I hear him tell the children." Viktor found himself choking up. "I love him, he's... he's my life, you know? I hate seeing him like this, it makes my heart ache. But I can't— I can't do this alone. I can't live like this... I know something must be done. He really must go for a while." 

"I think that's what's best for him. For both of you. And you have our support, Victor, you know that."

"And I am very grateful for it." Viktor smiled weakly. "So are the children."

 ***

“Those are a set of interesting symptoms, clearly brought on from postpartum depression at the birth of your second, intensified after the birth of your third, additioned to the preset anxiety. Psychosis may have occurred after the third, based on the symptoms of talking to oneself. I recommend immediate hospitalization.” Said the 13th doctor we visited. 

“Often times I… I don’t know when I’m speaking with the real him.”

Eyes wide, I can't help but to feel stricken. “But I… I’m not anyone different. I’m still me…”

“One moment you’re happy, then you- you start acting strangely. And I don’t trust you in that state.”

My cheeks are red from the shame of being exposed like this for the umpteenth time, especially about my heightened sexual desire at times. Was it psychotic to feel guilty for your behavior and want to make it up to your husband?

(Viktor told the doctor everything. But I didn’t get to voice my side of things. Yes, Viktor woke up to me kissing various parts of him, but he wasn’t conscious during what led up to that. I woke up that day, thinking about all that had happened the day before, and I decided that my last chance for staying away from a hospital was simply just to change Viktor’s opinion. I had to behave. I had to act like I used to.

That and…. I did honestly feel bad for all the stress I put him under.   
So I washed up. I added color to my cheeks and pinned back my hair into a style. I colored my lips and put on a lovely sheer nightgown I could never wear anymore because we have children in the house, and I crawled back into bed.

Viktor recalled everything that happened next as if he wasn’t completely into it, as if half of his body wasn’t covered in stains from my lips.)

“There are several nearby facilities. Considering your finances, you wouldn’t have to stay in a state hospital. There are other options.” The doctor continued, and I was starting to feel sick from the amount of smoke in the air as he lit another cigarette.

“If there are other options, one of them has to be me staying home.” I insisted. “I don’t want to leave my children for so long. I don’t want people to make fun of me for leaving!”

The doctor glanced at me for a few seconds. “You aren’t getting any better staying at home. Do you really want to subject your family to humiliation every time you have an episode?”

What could I say to that?

I shrunk back into my seat and sighed.

“Do you smoke regularly?” He asked me, and actually offered me a cigarette. “Drink? Do you take any medications?”

“I… haven’t smoked since before my oldest was born. It wasn’t good for me. I don’t drink, and on the rare occasions Viktor convinces me, I take those pills… what are they called…”  
  
“Veronal?”   
“Yes, that’s the one.”

“And how often do you take them?”

“Not often. I don’t like how sleepy they make me.”

“Is that a bad thing? I mean, I’m just saying. Sleeping is better than talking to yourself, am I right?” He laughed, like we’re having some pleasant conversation over dinner and not in a doctor’s office. How _dare_ he…

I folded my arms and studied the ugly, shag carpet below us, until Viktor and the doctor stopped talking about me, he gave Viktor the addresses for several nearby facilities, and we were on our way out the door.

***

“We’ll tour the facilities before we make a decision.” Viktor said, arm around me as we exited the office. We were two hours from home and likely wouldn’t go home today. Sometimes, I liked that. It meant we could stay at a lovely inn. But today, I wasn’t in the mood. Today went just like every other visit does. A dead end. “There is one near here. Perhaps we should check it out.”

I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and when Viktor turned to ask what’s wrong, I hugged him tightly. “I’m so sorry for burdening you. I wish I could just be normal.”

“I know… and you will be.” Viktor promised. “I’ll take care of you until you are.”

“It causes you so much stress and unhappiness and… that’s never what I wanted.”

“Yuuri…” he held me a bit tighter. “It’s going to be alright. You will receive the best care money can buy.”

“Maybe that’s just it, Viktor. Maybe I don’t need what money can buy. Maybe the best treatment isn’t the most expensive one.”

“We’ll see about that…”

***

We did come home that night, because I was feeling so well in the afternoon and I asked to see the children. The four of us had dinner together at a nice rooftop restaurant, because the weather was pleasant. And for the first time in a long time, things feel very normal.

“Can we see a picture before we go home?” Asked our son once Viktor paid the bill. “I want to see a _Mickey Mouse_ cartoon!”

“ _Mickey Mouse_!” Scarlett echoed.

“What do you think, Yuuri?”

“I think we have enough time for short picture.” I shrugged. “It’s been a while since the four of us saw one, anyway.”

.

We each carried a child inside after arriving home, and again, Viktor was convinced that the good mood I’m in would last through the night and into tomorrow. So he could go to work unworried.

Unfortunately, he was wrong. Very wrong.

He woke in the middle of the night to get a drink, and found me out of bed. He immediately feared the worst. He didn’t bother checking the rest of the house besides my rooms. He knew where I was. He _knew_.

And he was right.

In the dim light of the moon, there I was, crouched by an all-too-familiar grave, and… saying _something_. He never knew, because I said it in my mother-tongue. But to him, it sounded a bit threatening.

“Yuuri, I’m begging you to stop this.” Viktor pulled me to my feet, but I continued to pray. And that scared him. “ _Yuuri_. Please!”

I reached out to touch him, but he swatted my hand away. “Just _go home_!” He shouted, and I took a step backwards. I’d never seen him like this before. I turned to start walking away, and he added with his shaky voice, “Tomorrow, we’re going to find someplace for you to go. So go pack.”

“I- I don’t need that—”  
  
“ _Go pack_!”

I hated being shouted at by him, since it hardly happened. But I was angry that night. Angry that he was angry at me. “You… you’ve never come to this cemetery on your own. Since.”

“Since what?” He rested his back against a nearby tree. “Since we lost her?”  
  
I nodded.

“Because I hate it here. If I could, I’d never set foot in this cemetery again until I’m dead. And you act like you love it here.”

“Because of Rosy, I feel I must come and…”  
  
“You say that like she’s here at all.”

I clench my fists at my sides. “She _is_ .”   
  
“No Yuuri. She’s dead. She has been dead, and… and it’s time for you to accept that so we can move on with our lives—”   
  
“She’s just a baby! She _needs_ me! Who- who’s going to take care of her now?!”   
  
“No one has to! She is _dead_! That’s it! There’s nothing after death, Yuuri! Nothing!” With each terrible, terrible word, he walked closer to me, almost taunting me with that word...

“ _Stop it_ !” I cried, and I shoved him backwards, to get him away from me. But he stumbled and ended up on the ground, looking up at me with surprise. Again, I’d never done something like this before. “You… you act like you never cared at all, Viktor! You can move on so easily after- after losing one of our own _children_ . It’s not like I lost her during the pregnancy, she was… _here_ … and you just…” I could say no more. I covered my mouth and choked on my sobs.

I hate that we had come to this.

“Go home.”

“Viktor, please… it pains me more than you know that you don’t grieve for our daughter with me. Whether you do in privately or not, it- it really makes me feel like this doesn’t—”  
  
“I said go home, Yuuri. The neighbors are probably staring from their porches.”

They were. As I walked home, alone, I found many a nosy individual either peering from their window, or sitting casually on their porch, despite it being close to midnight. I ignored them all and slammed the front door when I went inside.

***

Hours later, when he wouldn’t be persuaded and I was too tired to keep fighting him, I climbed into my daughter’s bed so I wouldn’t have to lay next to Viktor. I stayed there until morning, when he first asked, then demanded, then forced me out of the bed. I used every fiber in my being trying to get away from him, but he just seemed so much stronger. I must’ve kicked, scratched and punched any part of him I could reach, which I now regret, knowing how bad of a back he has.

It was one of my bad days.

I was upset. Hysterical is a better word. That morning, I didn’t feel like me. I didn’t feel like I knew who Viktor was. To me, he was just a wicked man trying to take me away from my children, and I had to fight him, just like I did last night and all the nights before. He was tired. I knew that.

When I think about how ridiculous I acted that day, my face turns red. Still, at the time I’d felt very threatened and perhaps if I had been talked to nicely by my husband I wouldn’t have been in such a panic, but lately I felt like he treated me like nothing more than an unfortunate obligation.

On the nights that we shared the same bed, he always gave me pitiful looks that I couldn’t stand. Sometimes, he’d leave the room to “smoke”, and not come back for the rest of the night. My mind told me he was going out to have an affair, but I never found any evidence of that. Logically, I knew he wouldn’t leave me for someone else, but in my moments of weakness I couldn’t help but to doubt his every intention with me.

He managed to get me all the way downstairs before I was able to free myself from the grip he had on my wrists. Yura was there, wide-eyed, standing in front of my son to shield him from the spectacle I was making of myself. He too, was crying. I have no idea where Scarlett was.

“Do you think this is funny, Yuuri?” Viktor panted, standing over me. His hands were on his hips. “You think we’re playing a _game_? You’re sick! We don’t have any other choices! Don’t make this harder than it already is!”

I sprawled out on the bottom step like a child having a tantrum. The wood of the railing felt good against my cheek. I used the coolness to help me take a few slow, steadying breaths. Unfortunately, he was right. There weren’t any other options. Staying home would make me worse. I had to go to Atlanta. Whoever I was before was gone, and I wouldn’t be able to come home until he came back.

Still, I wished he would understand me. I’ve always been anxious; it hadn’t started recently. Often times I’d find myself having terrible anxiety attacks when I first started living here and was left alone during the day. I was afraid that my late husband would come back for me. And after my son’s birth, I was afraid that Viktor would be found guilty for a crime he didn’t do and would be sent back to jail. Which, being that he’d spent a few months in prison, could have happened, I guess.

I didn’t struggle anymore when Viktor picked me up again. He put me in one of our other cars; the one with a backseat, and that was exactly where I stayed. He wouldn’t even look at me. “It’s just for a little while.” He said.

I was defeated. I laid down and closed my eyes, not wanting to see all the neighbors who’d gathered on their porches to observe the ruckus that’d just went down.

I never got to say goodbye to my children.

When we arrived at the train station, I became afraid, realizing he would be leaving me there with a stranger, most likely, until he reassured me by stepping onto a small train. He extended his hand, and I took it.

He was coming with me. Perhaps he had been defeated too.

The trip down to Atlanta was lovely. He gave me several different tonics that made my mind feel a little fuzzy, perhaps a different dosage or different medication altogether, I think. I would lean my head against his shoulder and feel completely relaxed; tongue too heavy to make a comment about anything I wondered about.

(“Are you feeling better, darling?” He’d asked after giving me the first tonic. My hand was clamped in his, and we were both looking out the window at a small farm we were passing by.

I felt too tired to properly reply, so I simply stroked his hand. He seemed to like that.

“Yuuri. I was told that there’s a separate car, further down, that’s perfect for the view. An observation car, I believe. Do you want to go and look?”

My eyelids felt heavy. It took a few tries to speak. “I… think I wanna...stay here.” I managed to speak. Then, I shut my eyes and was asleep within a few minutes.

He kissed my hair.)

He became kinder, too. He let me eat whatever I wanted out of the dining car, which happened to be a lot. He asked why I had such a hearty appetite all of the sudden, to which I didn’t know. He seemed… disinterested in the reason behind it, simply happy I was eating at all. Some husbands on this train scolded their wives for eating too much. Viktor wouldn’t, if he wanted to live very long.

Before bed at night, I washed in the small tin tub that had been provided. There wasn’t much water; just enough to rinse the soap from my skin. Viktor washed my hair for me, never saying much, and he’d help me into my nightclothes so that I never had to do much of anything. I began requesting those tranquilizers to help me sleep. Though, I had to sleep closest to the wall in our cabin. It felt too warm, and if I tried to climb over him to use the bathroom, he’d stop me and insist on tagging along. I’d kick the blankets off, but it wouldn’t help much. He opened the window as far as it would go, and still, I felt ready to faint.

So on our second night, that became a problem. He was asleep, head against my chest and arm around my stomach. It was hot as hell in the cabin, as it had been all day. Sweat poured down my body and I was overcome with nausea. I wouldn’t have much time to get into the shared restroom, and with Viktor gripping onto me….

I had to act fast.

Maybe I could’ve handled it better, but I began to climb over him. When he tried to grab me, I kicked him off the bed and made a run for it, locking the restroom door behind me.

Earlier that day we’d spent a few hours in the observation car that was a bit crowded, because the windows were open. We crossed over rivers, which threatened my motion sickness further than before. But the cool mountain air against my skin was quite a relief. I wanted to sleep in that car.

Viktor was less than pleased about my escape when I returned a few minutes later. Arms crossed, he waited for an explanation. “I need to be on the edge.” I told him. “It’s too hot in here and I’m sick.”

He tilted his head to the side. “Sick? What do you mean?”

It took another trip to the restroom and fifteen more minutes for me to give him an answer. “Viktor, I think you need to sleep someplace else. I can’t keep running back into the bathroom, and I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“We’ve been married for ten years, baby,” He said, “I’m supposed to see you like this.”

“Are you sure?”

He showed me by draping cool rags behind my neck and on my face, which did help, for a while anyway.

Within another hour, I felt well enough to sleep. Viktor let me sleep on the edge like I wanted, but his arm stayed secured around me all night.

I was sick again from about four thirty until eight. It was hell. So I slept until the afternoon. When I woke, Viktor said we’d be in Atlanta by the morning, which probably wasn’t going to work out well for me.

***

That evening, after I’d washed up and brushed and got into my pajamas, Viktor and I were sat playing cards in our cabin. He was quiet, which made me think he had something he wanted to say that I wasn’t going to like. He spent a bit of time glancing over his cards, but I knew that wasn’t what he was really doing. That sheet of paper that Georgi had given him was hidden there.

Finally, after looking at him for far too long, he spoke. “I don’t know how things are going to be set up in Atlanta.”

I nodded.

“Apparently, you’ll be at this place during the day, and if you do well, are permitted to go home in the evening. It’s something a friend of Georgi’s is testing out. I’m not sure if it’ll work. But that means you’d have to be on your best behavior and listen to what the doctors want.”

“Where will you be?” I placed my stack of cards on the table as a sign that I was done playing.

His voice was careful. “Well… I’ll be back in New York.”

My face fell. “You… you aren’t going to stay with me?”

“How can I? The children need me. You’ll grow tired of me, as you already are. Trust me, you’ll enjoy the break.”

Fighting back tears, I found my way to the bed and pushed myself as close to the wall as I could get. He followed. “Yuuri… please, try to understand.”

I didn’t respond.

He cupped my cheek, gently turning my head to face him. “I’m doing all of this… everything, because I love you and want you to be happy.”

I had no choice but to look at him. “I… I know. I just don’t want you to leave me. I’m afraid you won’t come back for me.”

“ _I love you_. Do you know that? Nothing’s changed, and I will come back. That I promise.”

“Even though I’ve lost my mind, you still love me? That’s ridiculous.” I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. “There’s plenty of pretty young ladies who would willingly throw themselves at you if you were single. Even if you aren’t single, they still would. And those young ladies probably don’t have nervous fits and-”

“I don’t think you heard me.” Suddenly, I was pushed onto my back, and Viktor was climbing over me. I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I said…” he lowered his head to meet me for a kiss, “that I love _you_.”

“Do you really?” He straddled my waist. I think my face was a brighter red any gown in my closet…

“Yes…” His kisses grew longer, more passionate, his intentions became clear. When we pulled away to breathe, he was quick to remove his shirt, and then his pants went flying across the room along with it. He was just in his boxers, and I was still fully clothed. I didn’t put up a fight; I wanted this too.

 

When he’d kissed his way down my front and flicked his eyes up to mine for approval, I had to look away. My face was burning, thinking of what could happen if someone walked in….

“Why do you always have to think of those things…” he asked, startling me. Had I spoken aloud? “Nobody’s going to come in here. Can’t you just think about us?” His face was solemn. “Have things truly gotten that bad for you…”

“I always get nervous, Viktor,” I faced him, “at home, before.. I was nervous that one of the kids would walk in, or a servant. It’s not because I’m sick. I just always think about these things.”

Kissing my inner thigh, Viktor considered my words. “We’ll get a lock for our door, then.”

“That’s a start.”

“And I know I locked this one.”

“Okay…” I ran my fingers through his thinning hair, “then you can continue.”

You know, I hadn’t given much thought to how he had been aging until that moment. Let’s see, he would’ve been what, close to thirty-five? His skin was still almost completely smooth, except there were wrinkles around his eyes when he smiled. His hair was thinning, which he was quite self-conscious about. Apparently, his family was filled with bald men. Still, I loved the color and the length. I thought it was perfect.

And me, well, my body isn’t what it once was after birthing a few babies. Stretch marks had taken over me by the time I reached my thirtieth birthday, and I found my first gray hair last year. My waist went from twenty four inches to thirty. Most of my clothes had to be thrown out, and I didn't care to wear much of the fancy clothes I did before. 

In fact, the most expensive piece of clothing I owned was currently between Viktor’s teeth as he tugged it off of me. I hadn’t allowed him to do this in quite some time, and I think the tension he felt towards me was easing up by allowing him to touch me. I don’t even know why I decided to wear this particular pair, but…

I swore under my breath when he slid his fingers against me, giving me his teasing smirk I couldn’t stand. “I need to hear what you want from me.”

Biting my lip, I spread my legs apart and looked up at the ceiling. I knew how he felt about… this. We hadn’t been intimate in weeks because he was afraid of getting me pregnant again.

“Ah… I don’t want to risk triggering a-”

“I’m not going to get pregnant.” I cut him off. “You asked what I wanted, and this is it. Stop teasing and touch me.”

“I’m not teasing you,” he shook his head, tilting his finger to just slightly penetrate me, knowing how much I hated exactly what he’d planned on doing.

“Oh, yes you are!” I groaned. “I don’t want your fingers. I want you, _now_.”

“As you wish, Yuuri.” He parted my thighs, settling his face in between them. Before I could say anything, he was pressing filthy words and kisses to the lips, and soon, his tongue was--

“Viktor, _please_.”

“Let’s say you do get pregnant.” He said somberly. “Then what? We both agreed not to have any more children right now.”

“Then I’d take responsibility for it.” I replied. “Now please, I know you want this as much as I do.”

“Alright, love. But only because you want me to.”

I held my breath to fight against the initial pain that’s simply always been there. His arms around me, our hips flush against each other. He met my eyes. “I wish things could be like they were before.”

I hid my face in his shoulder. “M-Me too…”

“I wish I could make you happy.”

I hope nearby passengers didn’t hear us. I wasn’t usually this needy, this noisy, but as I’ve said before, it’d been so long that I felt like we were doing it for the first time. That night, I didn’t care about the stuffiness of the room or the fact that I was sweating; Viktor was too, so we had that in common. He eventually came in me, and apologized profusely for that, but it was too late.

He just didn’t know that yet, and neither did I.

I yanked him over me, challenging him for a second round. His length wasn’t quite hard against my thigh, but I knew I could work with that. “Yes or no?”

“Maybe.” He said, pressing his chest against mine. “I’m old, Yuuri. Things aren’t as easy.”

We spent the next twenty minutes or so doing little more than kissing; till my lips were sore and his eyes were half closed. Goodness, he _is_ getting old. He used to be able to last hours. Or perhaps my condition has exhausted him?  “Should we stop?” I pressed a kiss to his nose. “You’re tired.”

“I’m tired.” He repeated faintly. “Don’t you try to run off now that I’m seduced and sleepy. I want to wake up to you here.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I used my fingers to comb through his sticky hair, “I love you, Viktor.”

“Love you too.” He smiled.

Didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. Once he was, I rolled him off of me and tucked him in. I do like taking care of him, you know. And when he didn’t move, I knew I was safe to go.

I took my time getting up, then dressed myself, and went walking through the cars to find something to do, ignoring the throbbing in between my legs. Very few people were still awake as I passed, but a young mother with a baby in her arms and a toddler beside her gave me a curious look when I entered the caboose of the train. She’d been the only one there. I was careful to stay quiet so as to not wake her children.

I missed mine.

Right then, I wished they’d come along. I wished that I wasn’t sick and could raise them properly. Now, they were back in New York, wondering if I’d ever return. Did they miss me terribly? Did I hurt them, frighten them by my behavior? The night before I left I was in the graveyard; that must’ve scared them quite badly. I needed to make sure to apologize the moment I got to a phone.

Throwing open the back door, the wind outside gusted against my face and temporarily relieved my oncoming nausea. I really do have terrible motion sickness; it happened last time I was on a train, too, and I could barely leave my cabin without vomiting.

I stepped outside, gripping onto the bars of the small balcony. Looking down, all I could see were the tracks under us; it was too dark to tell where we were.

_I don’t want to go to Atlanta._

_I can escape the next time the train stops._

The thought alone frightened me. Even if I did escape, where could I go? I had no money on me, no luggage or food. I would just wander around, asking for help, eventually scraping up enough money for a telephone to call Viktor and beg him to come and take me home. There was no way it would work.

And yet the possibility of returning to my hometown seemed so terrifying that my idea was allowed to develop further. I didn’t want to see my parents, or a doctor with no understanding of my condition, or stay with my sister. Why should I? She has four children and a husband, there would be no room for me there.

Why couldn’t Viktor just stay with me instead of leaving right away? Why did he have to leave at all? Yura could manage the company for a few weeks…

Thinking about all that was about to happen by nine o’clock made me start to cry again. There was no point in feeling sorry for myself, I probably needed a good cry, anyway. I sat on the platform and stared out at the disappearing tracks and wept until there weren’t any tears left in me.

I accidentally fell asleep.

***

“Oh, thank God, Yuuri !” I woke up shivering, nauseous, and Viktor’s voice in my ear. “How long have you been out here?”

Before I managed to fully wake up, I was lifted to my feet. His heart was pounding. “What’s the matter with you, staying out here half the night like this?? You’re going to catch a cold.”

I rubbed my eyes, allowing him to guide me inside. “What time is it?”

“Four. Yuuri, what were you thinking?”

I continued walking, eyes straight ahead so I didn’t have to see the young mother staring at the spectacle that is myself. “I felt sick again and I needed some air. Then I fell asleep. I hadn’t been out that long, so stop worrying.”

“I have every right to worry.” Viktor removed the jacket he’d been wearing and slipped it over my shoulders. “And you promised you wouldn’t leave the room."

“I didn’t know I was going to be sick, dear.”

When we got back to our cabin, he pointed at the bed and stood at the door until I obeyed him. I took off his jacket, my shoes, and meekly crawled under the blanket.

He locked the door and followed. “I’m not trying to be your parent,” He said, pulling me close to his chest, “but I just worry about you too much. I only do it out of love, though.”

His heartbeat slowed. “You must care about me a great deal.”

“I do.”

“And if that’s so, you’ll understand when I tell you that I don’t need you smothering me all the time. I’m not going to harm myself and jump off the train.” Even though I’d thought about that earlier… “I won’t ever get better if you don’t put any trust in me.”

“You’re right…”

“I do appreciate what you’re trying to do, Viktor,” I yawned, “it’s just… I feel like you don’t understand what I’m going through. You think I’ve lost it for no reason, like you never even cared about the baby at all…” I couldn’t help but to clutch my stomach.

“Of course I cared about the baby,” He said, “I loved her. It kills me to know you watched her die. I guess I just deal with things differently. My family died, you know, and I should’ve been with them. It was easier to accept their deaths because I wasn’t there. Nothing happened to me, directly, and it was the same with the baby. I wasn’t there to see it for myself.”

“What if I died? What if Nikolas dropped dead right in front of you, after being in your life for seven years? How would you feel?”

“Don’t ever say such things, darling. It’s bad luck.” He paused. “I would never be the same if that happened.”

“I carried that baby for nine months just to watch it die after three.”

He didn’t know what to say to that, of course. How could he?

“We’ll… finish talking about this later.”

“Right.” I curled up into his side, knowing damn well that was a lie. I didn’t want to talk about it either.

***

We arrived in Atlanta later on that morning. It’d been raining until we arrived and that made it hard for me to decide what to wear. I chose my long rain jacket that nearly touched my knees overtop a simple black frock and leggings underneath that. My hat was bought last summer in France, but I didn’t know if I was going to continue wearing it or not.

I managed to keep it together until we stepped off the train because… he would surely be leaving me now… and if not now, then soon…. and…

Offering me his arm, Viktor strode across the train station to wait for our suitcases and hail a cab for me. I had to jog to keep up with him, as did the man carrying our luggage.

Finally, a cab stopped, the man caught up, and Viktor turned to me. “This should do quite nicely. Do you know the address to your sister’s house?”

“You aren’t coming with me?” I had to shout over the hustle and bustle of this busy station and the heavy rain.

“My train leaves in twenty minutes.”

“Oh…” I looked away. “Okay, then.”

“Hey.” He tipped my chin up. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you more, being that I’m going to be all alone.”

“You won’t be completely alone, and besides, I’ll be expecting phone calls and letters from you until you come home.”

I shrugged. “Goodbye.”

“I’ll come back in a few weeks to take you home.” He kissed me quickly. “Take care of yourself.”

All I could say was goodbye. I didn’t want to hug him and begging him to stay was pointless. He was leaving me here alone. Not because he had to, but because he… he wanted to!

As he walked away, he took my decent mood with him.

It would stay gone, I knew, if I didn’t give him a proper goodbye.

_Oh, what are you doing, you idiot?? Go get your husband!_

I opened the cab door just as the driver started to edge away from the curb. “Hey, what the hell?”

“I forgot something,” I said hurriedly, bolting out the door. I didn’t know if he’d wait for me, or if he’d drive away with my luggage, or anything, but I didn’t care about that. I had to… “Viktor! Viktor, wait!”

He’d been in line to board a different train, freezing when he heard my voice, looking almost confused. When he turned to see me, that expression stayed the same.

“Viktor…” I threw my arms around his neck. “Thank you for escorting me here, but I don’t see how I’ll manage if you don’t escort me the rest of the way. I don’t even know where this facility is, and what if the area isn’t safe?”

“I’m sure your sister and her husband would-“

“No.” I cut him off. “You don’t know how it is in Atlanta. You need to come with me, just until I’m settled. There will be other trains to take, Viktor. I’ll even pay for your ticket! Please don’t leave.”

I caught him in a moment of weakness. He’d been putting on a strong front for this entire trip, and once he sent me off in the cab, he let it fall. Now that I’d startled him like this, the strong front faltered before my very eyes. He didn’t know what to do besides hug me tightly. “Do you really think you’ll do better if I take you there…”

“Yes… you have no idea…”

“But you understand I have to go home regardless of what happens. Right?”

“I know.”

Noticing the impatient glares of the travelers around him, Viktor gave in. “Alright, fine. Let’s find me a different train and then get you over to your sister’s house until it’s time for your appointment.”

Success.

***

The rain lightened up by the time we’d reached Mari’s address. Personally, I hadn’t been there before as she still lived at home when I was married off for the first time, but that was fourteen years ago.

She was still with her first husband, even though they’d fought like cats and dogs to my memory. Their oldest is eighteen, a boy, and then a fifteen year old boy, and there's a thirteen or so year old girl, and another younger boy. I couldn’t remember names.

They’d acquired some wealth about a decade ago when her husband’s father died and left behind a bit of inheritance. They used the money to buy a townhouse in a better part of town, but I could imagine the bills were getting difficult to handle.

“Oh, this looks like a lovely neighborhood.” Viktor commented as I opened his umbrella. I hid a smile. It probably wasn’t lovely, but it was safer than where I grew up.

But suddenly I felt nervous. My stomach knotted up and my grip on his arm tightened. “You said you’ll stay until I’m settled?”

“That’s right.”

As we walked up the front steps, I kept wishing he would stay longer than that. I knew I was going to need him…

You know that feeling you get sometimes, when you just... you know something bad is going to happen?

That's how I felt.

I squeezed his hand and prayed nothing would happen to anyone I cared about.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings:
> 
> Mentions the death of an infant, mentions of self-harm (self-harm itself is not detailed), mentions of an abusive marriage.

I remember when I arrived at my sister’s house, how some of the nearby neighbors gaped, like they’d recognized me. But Mari insisting that it was because of my wealth. No one in her neighborhood had that kind of money. But it wasn’t as if the two of us were dressed in hundred-dollar-bills, so I think she was just lying to make me feel better.

Her and I didn’t hug or anything. We’ve never hugged, not at least since I was small.

Only two of her children were home at the time, both being the ones I’d never met. Her older two had been only babies when I had moved out of our parents’ home. She showed me up two flights of stairs to the loft. She said the boys used to use it as a playroom, but it was perfectly acceptable as a guest room. There was a cot set up with fresh sheets and a quilt, a small dresser, and an open window, too small to climb out of. I thanked her for her generosity.

Mari mentioned that a friend of hers would be visiting over dinner and asked if I’d like to dine elsewhere since I didn’t do particularly well with dinner parties. Viktor and I agreed I’d be fine, but we said we’d only join them for dinner to keep things brief for me.

So it wasn’t until I came downstairs to the dining room that I realized her friend had a baby with blue eyes and dark hair under her little hat. Viktor knew at once what I was thinking about and squeezed my hand. What were the odds, really?

I hadn’t interacted with a baby since the death of my own, mostly because I’d been shut up in our house most of the time. I didn’t think about it then, but how my heart was aching as I sat across from that guest with her little one. “This is Helen Martin, and her daughter Mary. We met when my youngest was just a toddler. Helen, this is my brother, and—”

“I know all about you.” Helen chuckled. “You had the most famous childbirth of 1926. When I came up to New York to visit with my sister, it’s all anyone was talking about, and she told me about you. You’re so stylish and…”

I turned to Viktor. “You told me that no one knew who it was. But it was obvious, wasn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t say so,” He said nervously, “it’s not as if there was a picture or your name…”

“But there was more information, wasn’t there?” I asked Helen. “Y-Your sister knew, and…”

“Only because she had given birth in that hospital at the same time!” She said quickly. “Her son, Thomas was born the night before, and she heard staff talking about it, and recognized you in the halls. That’s all!”

“See?” Viktor motioned for me to calm down, and I took a long drink from my glass before adding, “That was a very traumatic and very painful experience for me. The recovery took months. I don’t like being reminded of it.”

“Ah… o-of course. Forgive me.”

Mari sighed. “You’ll have to _forgive_ my brother, Helen. He’s a bit sensitive as of late.”

I bit back a remark and started to eat while the conversation traveled elsewhere. For the most part, I kept my eyes on the baby, who, in my biased, grieving opinion, looked so much like…

***

_“She’s perfect,” Viktor breathed, gushing to his visiting relatives in the hallway of our home the day I’d been released from the hospital. Our baby was a week old now, and so, so tiny… I was in love._

_His family had pressured him to let them visit while we were still in the hospital, but I wanted time to myself to bond with our baby and made them wait until I could take a proper shower and dress decently._

_But that morning, they were stalled outside the door until our baby had finished eating. She seemed to always be hungry, but struggled keeping much down, which… I suppose was why she was always hungry._

_When she’d finished and was swaddled and content, I called for Viktor to show them in. Everyone adored her, and I was peppered with questions, the usual, the same they’d asked with Scarlett— they couldn’t ask for Nikolas because, well, I stayed shut up in the house with him to keep him safe during his first few months— but somehow now, I felt ready to burst with pride when answering questions about her, when with Scarlett I felt almost annoyed._

_And of course, sooner or later they all had their turn in asking what her name was. Viktor grinned at me. “Well… we like to choose unique names, but for her, we decided on Rosaly.”_

_I loved her name. I loved her._

_I loved our nights with her, seeing Viktor and how well he bonded with her, the photographs we took together on the nights she didn’t want to sleep…._

_I loved it all… I was so happy back then._

***

“Are you alright, darling? You look a little flushed.” Viktor said, hand on my knee. Mari and her guest weren’t paying any attention to me, as now my brother-in-law had joined them at the table and his voice was quite loud.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head. When there was a lull in my sister’s conversation, I spoke up. “Can I hold her?” I asked Helen, eyes on her baby. She seemed oblivious to the look everyone else was giving me and agreed happily. “Sure, come sit by me!”

“Are you sure you want to?” Mari asked.  
“Yes, perhaps you should wait until after—”

I ignored them and sat next to her. “She’s lovely…” I whispered, holding the baby carefully while she slept. To Viktor, Mari, and my brother-in-law, I must’ve been holding a ton of fragile artifacts, because they all appeared as if they were about to jump out of their chairs at any moment.

“Thank you! She was born in February.”

“Really, I…” I bit my lip as I touched the baby’s small, soft hand. “I lost my own daughter, in February. I miss her every day.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” She gasped. “I had no idea! Of course you have every right to be upset!”

I shrugged, my eyes never leaving her baby. I wondered why everyone was staring at me when I’d done nothing wrong. It’s perfectly normal to ask to hold someone’s baby. Why was that a problem now?

The baby opened her eyes, revealing a dark blue shade just like her mother’s. I couldn’t help but to smile.

“She’s probably going to be hungry, I’ll take her now.” Helen nudged my arm.

I didn’t budge. It was like I was in a trance; I’d reached an oasis in my desert of loneliness and sorrow; this beautiful baby, who if I just imagined a bit, was actually mine. For a few, brief seconds, I thought about what might happen if I kept her because… because… she really _did_ look like mine, and what if—

Her little face scrunched up as she started to whine, she really did need her mother. My baby needed me, too, but there was nothing I could do for her, no matter how much she suffered, I’d been powerless, all I could do was just sit there while she, “Hey.” Suddenly, Viktor was beside me, gently touching my forearm. “Please give Mrs. Martin back her baby now?”

“But I- I just…” My voice felt tight on my throat, and I felt the burn of everyone’s eyes on me. “She reminds me so much of-”

“I know, love, but you—”

“Let me say her name!” I snapped at him, not-so-carefully handing the infant back to her mother, earning a set of gasps from everyone else. “Y-You never let me say it…”

The baby had quieted down once she was with her mother, and now one could hear a pin drop if you took away my racket. It was when Viktor palmed at his pocket for a particular bottle that I truly started melting down. “No. No! It was just one mistake!”

“Yuuri.” He stood up, taking my arm. Our eyes met. “Calm down, then.”

I nodded, but when I saw the way I was being looked at, I realized there was no saving this dinner. “I’m sorry.” I said, swallowing hard. “I hate how I’m acting, too. I can’t imagine how annoying I must seem, to all of you, and if- if I could just disappear… I would…”

I must’ve said something wrong, for suddenly Viktor was pulling me out of the dining room, and the door slammed loudly with a great _thud_.

We went outside.

***

After my inevitable sob-fest about how much I missed my baby while Viktor smoked several cigarettes, he sat beside me and offered a lit one to me. “You know I miss her too. But you can’t just take other people’s babies.”

“I wasn’t _going_ to.”

“Well, it certainly looked like it. How would you feel if someone did the same thing to your child? You’d be scared, maybe a little angry..”

“It’s been so long…” I said tearfully, “and yet I can’t seem to get over losing her. I don’t think I ever will, I think I’m going to die if I have to go much longer without her…”

“You aren’t gonna die, darling. You’re going to heal, bit by bit.” He sighed, sliding his arm around me to pull me close. “You did well on the train ride. For a moment I thought that we could just go home, but I realize that you’re getting worse, and your treatment is beyond the care I can provide alone. I’m sorry, my dear. There’s really no other options.”

“I don’t understand…”

“If I leave you here with reliance that you will transport yourself to daily partial hospitalization, my plan will likely backfire. I think we both know that you wouldn’t go.”

I couldn’t argue. Because honestly, I might go a time or two, and then ditch the idea of it completely. He knew me well.

“But you are at such risk right now.” He continued, “I feel it is safest for you to be hospitalized, just temporarily. You could get some well-deserved rest and medications only such doctors can provide.”

I sniffled, a bit loudly. “You know what people say about those who are hospitalized.”

“For once, I really don’t care what everyone else thinks. I know what’s best for you.”

“And what about the children? I could be gone for months and they’d—”

“I hardly see a reason for you to be hospitalized for months—”

“Furthermore, wouldn’t it make sense for me to be put on some sort of bedrest at a lovely country home instead of institutionalized, where I could possibly get worse amid those kinds of people?”

“Yuuri—”

“And if I _honestly_ couldn’t survive elsewhere, why shouldn’t we select one of New York’s fine facilities, so at least I could be close to home?”

Viktor shrugged. “We’re already here?”

“Ah. I see.” I stood, brushing the back of my frock in case I had gotten it dirty on the porch. “You’re just trying to get rid of me, then.”

“That’s not true—”

“You’re _ashamed_ of me! You don’t want me anymore, do you?! Well, neither do I! I wish I was dead!”

“Please, stop _saying_ things like that!” He exclaimed as he grabbed my hands, likely to keep me from running away. “That’s the most terrible thing to ever say, and I know you don’t mean it!” His voice broke with his last few words, and for the first time, I noticed how he started to tear up. All this time, he'd yet to express any sort of emotion, and this appeared to be his breaking point. He covered his eyes with his hand.

My heart ached for doing this to him. I hugged him gently, and he pulled my closer. I could feel him trembling. "I just want you to feel better..." He whispered. "Really, seeing you this way, it's... it's killing me inside."

***

When the night air got cold, I moved to go inside, when he took my hand again. Squeezing it gently, he said, "Please, go wait in your sister's car. We will rest at a hotel tonight and figure out our next step in the morning. It's obvious it isn't good for you to stay here all evening with that baby here."

I nodded, obeying at once. I never minded staying at a hotel.

Mari was glad to be rid of me, I was sure. I think she was never completely on board for letting me stay with her. It would've been awkward, as we hadn't seen each other in so many years and I was unwell. Now, if only we could go back to New York altogether... it'd be a perfect scenario.

I waited in the lobby of a fancy hotel—Viktor can't stand staying at those cheap ones off the freeways and insists on suites even when we only stay a night— as Viktor went to the front desk to book our room. I'd taken a fourth of a pill on the way here so that I was calm but not too tired. Viktor was upset and I knew if I was too tired I wouldn't be able to comfort him properly and just sleep the night away. 

"I've gotten us a room, love," He walked over to me while a concierge took our luggage elsewhere. "It isn't a suite, but I'm assured it's very comfortable and quiet; there will be no noise from the neighbors."

"Mm... as quiet as a hotel in Atlanta can be." I took his hand. "Lead the way."

.

Hours later, I pushed myself up and bent down to pull our blankets up, as I'd gotten cold from my nakedness. Most of the night was a blur, but I did know that it was risky for me to continue on my current path if I didn't want to conceive a child.

When we went to one of the first doctors, they told Viktor when they thought I'd already walked down the hall that it would be unwise to have any more children right now, as tempting as it may be to replace the one we lost. He said my body wasn't fit for childbirth presently and another pregnancy might be dangerous, especially with my emotions. And I didn't want another baby anyway. I didn't want a replacement, I just wanted her. And besides, I decided I was done with pregnancy itself. It took too much out of me.

But I did have contraceptives on me and realized I should probably take advantage of that fact. I crept out of bed and began fishing through our bags, looking for that hidden vial...

It was then that I came across the papers Viktor had been looking at earlier. It was a brochure for a treatment center just outside the city. There was a private ward for the upper classes; the rest of the building was for the average people, but people staying in the private ward wouldn't be exposed to them. The private ward also had access to the garden, a recreational swimming pool,  and weekly visits into town if they were able. They also occasionally saw movies. There was a library, large bathrooms, and everyone had their own bedroom and unlimited access to writing papers and also the telephone. It didn't seem   _too_ terrible. But then I saw the price. One hundred dollars per week, plus additional fees. That was a lot of money, but I also knew he'd only accept the finest for me and wouldn't be comfortable leaving me in a state institution or something similar.

"Yuuri." He called into the darkness, probably afraid I'd run off. 

"I'm right here." I lifted my hand. "Just looking for some nightclothes."

He peeked over the side of the bed, catching me with the brochure in hand. "Do you like that one?"

"It- It doesn't seem at all like I'd expect. But still... I'm sure there are some similar to this, much closer to home."

"That's true. But why don't we go check out this place tomorrow, just to see? You might not like the ones in New York as this one."

"But if I go here," I stood, abandoning my pajamas on the ground. "Then you won't visit me, and I'll be very sad and alone all the time."

"Who says I won't visit you, love?" He opened his arms. "And I'd call so often they'd get annoyed with me."

"Would you?"

I don't remember most of that night. I just know that I abandoned the thought of the vial, and did things which I would later regret. 

***

In the morning, after another round of regrets, I bathed and dressed in something simple, and then we drove the thirty minutes to the facility. It was an old brick building with barred windows and a tall fence surrounding the back garden, where I would be permitted. We were greeted at the door by a friendly member of the staff who asked us to fill out a lot of paperwork. Eventually, we were guided up three flights of stairs— until we reached the fourth and final floor, a quiet, pristine and spacious ward. The main area held a sofa, radio, and card and dinner table. Everything was clean and smelled good. We were led past the main area towards a hallway. "At the very end of the hall is the library." She explained cheerfully. "To our immediate left is the washroom for the men, and to the right is for the women. There are two bathtubs each in there."

At the very end of the hall, adjacent to the library, she opens the right door. "This will be your room. It's been vacated for a few weeks, so we cleaned it well for you. You can put your clothes in the drawers, here." 

The room is plain, white, and boring. The windows were barred, too, and from here, I could see nothing but the wall, a lot of trees, and in the distance, another tall building. 

“They say this facility is the best around. That better be true for the price.” Viktor sighed. He set my suitcase on the small bed and turned to me. “You’re going to be just fine here, Yuuri. It’s just for a little while.”

“I don’t want… to stay here,” I whispered. “Please, Viktor, dont’ leave me here.”

Viktor glanced warily at the staff member. "Could you give us a moment, please."

"Of course!" And with that, she left the room, and we were alone. I stared out the barred window, fists clenched at my sides. He wasn't going to give me a choice in this matter, was he? I was going to stay here whether I liked it or not.

He smiled weakly and kissed me goodbye. “I’ll write.”

“Viktor, please don’t…” I reached for him, lacking the strength to stand.  
“See you soon, okay?” He pulled away, and my heart broke. I didn’t think about how much it hurt for him to have to leave me. At the time, I thought he was just being selfish.

“I promise I’ll get better!” I said, gripping his arm so he couldn’t leave. “Don’t leave me here alone! _Please_! I’ll be good! Just take me back to New York and we can work things out from there!”

He was trying so hard to be strong for me. He knew I wouldn’t last five minutes outside this hospital. Slowly, he pried my hand from his arm (so I started squeezing his hand tightly) and raised it to his lips. “Be good here, and then you can come home. Goodbye, darling.”

I don’t know how he was strong enough to release the grip I had on his hand, but he did.

***

This was the only ward in the hospital that wasn’t strictly gender-segregated. There was a reason for that, and I didn’t like thinking about it. I just knew that normal men weren’t allowed in here.

I met two other people once the nurse dragged me out of my room, in the library, which seemed to be the only interesting place in this ward. No other floor had a library. It wasn’t big, but it had comfortable chairs and plenty of books to keep me distracted. The first patient was a woman about my age. I noticed that she had scars around her wrists and forearms, so I tried not to look. “This is Margaret. She’s from up north, too.” said the nurse.

“As far north as you consider Philadelphia.” Margaret spoke softly, and I noticed how her hands seemed to always tremble. I wondered why she was here, but knew it’d be rude to outright ask.

“And this is Darcy—”  
  
“I told you I won’t go by that name.” A man appeared from the side of the bookshelf. He’s young, probably only twenty-ish, about my height. His skin is light brown and his hair is very curly, and tied up at the top of his head to keep it out of his face. He wears clothes that rival the quality of mine, but somehow looks far better wearing them than I ever could. I think it’s because he was young and had a good figure. I wish I could say the same, but my hips are wide and my arms are too thin and I’m-

“I want to go by Max.” Darcy put a hand on his hip. “Darcy’s an awful name. I mean, you carry a kid for nine months and go through all the pain and struggle just to look at him and say: Darcy. What a waste! Am I right?”

“Max is not your name, Darcy.” The nurse reminded him. His cheeks flushed. “Anyway, I’m going to go check on Lucille. Behave yourselves. Darcy, you be nice to Yuuri, you hear?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Once the nurse was gone, the two seemed a bit more interested in me. Particularly, Darcy. “What are you in for?” He asked, patting a spot on the couch beside him. I hesitantly sat down. “Well… I—”  
“Husband put you in here, no doubt?”

“He did.”

“So did ours.” Darcy stretched. “Mine is like… thirty five plus and a total ass. My parents made me marry him. He smells like ass, all the time, he’s always puffing a nasty cigar, but at least he has a lot of money.”

“Money isn’t all there is to a person.” Margaret said pointedly.

“True, Marge, but if he was any poorer I’d be downstairs with the regular men. And you know how they are.”

I didn’t want to know how they were. And I didn’t want to talk about why I was there, either. So instead, I asked Darcy why he was there, since he seemed more open than Margaret.

He scoffed. “Because I don’t want to be the dainty little bitch society wants our kind to be. I refuse to give my husband any children, take contraceptives, and like to go out and drink with my friends. I’m rebellious and disrespectful and disobedient. I go by Max because Darcy sounds too feminine. Max was my half brother’s name. The normal one. And I guess that makes me crazy. But why am I _here_ here? Because my husband’s brother owns the place, so he had to let me in.”

“Ah…”

“That’s why they let you in, too. This is a white folks facility, you know. People literally won’t stay up here since I’ve been here except for Marge here, she’s sweet, so the place is losing business. But also gaining some, from people like us, locked away by our men.”

Margaret nodded, so I suppose she was in for a similar reason. But they were both looking at me. Darcy was the one to ask, of course. “If you aren’t going to tell us why you’re here, complain with us. I want to know about your life up north.”

“Where do I start?” I gripped my hands together. “Um… I’ve been married for almost ten years? I have two children. So, um, obviously I’m not here for the same reason as you.”

“Why’d you come all the way to Georgia?” Darcy asked. “I mean, if _I_ could choose, I’d never want to be at a hospital in Georgia. Not that things are so much better up north, but…”

“Oh, I wasn’t supposed to come to this particular hospital. I was staying with my sister. But… things happened.”

“Things, huh? Like what?”

I swallowed. “It’s all quite stupid, I can assure you.”

“If you tell us, I’ll tell you about Lucille, and no one’s supposed to talk about her.” Darcy urged.

“Darcy, no. You’ll get us in trouble again!” Margaret nudged him.

“Who’s Lucille?”

The two exchanged glances. “She’s… been here longer than either of us. We don’t typically stay long, you know, a couple weeks, maybe a few months at most.” Darcy said.

“But Lucille’s been here for years.” Margaret added quietly, eyes shifting towards the door as if Lucille was going to show up. “And I don’t think she’s ever leaving. She never comes out of her room.”

“Why not?”

“Ah-ah, you gotta tell us about yourself first. We don’t need the extreme details.”

“I’m anxious.” I said, not sure how to elaborate any further. “I’m anxious, all the time. I take medications but it still happens. And I say bad things to my husband when my anxiety is at its worst. That’s why I’m here.”

“Have you always been anxious?” Margaret asked, looking genuinely interested.

“Yes, but it’s gotten worse with age. I… I want to go home, but I also know I can’t keep living this way forever. It’s bad for my kids to see.”

I guess Margaret decided I was trustworthy enough to know about Lucille now that I’d opened up a bit. “You can’t tell anyone this, but Lucille sees things. About three years ago, her husband brought her here after her little boy, Lucas, died of polio. But she insisted he wasn’t dead. No, she talked— she still talks to him daily, but I hear she was mental before that. Never quite right. I heard a nurse say that Lucille admitted to smothering her one year old daughter not long after her son got sick. That when she was young, she’d torture animals and her siblings and other terrible things… but the worst part is, her husband died last winter. He killed himself, and she doesn’t know. She never asks about him. She’s been in her own little world for so long that she doesn’t know what year it is or who she is. I don’t think she can remember her husband anymore.”

My throat felt like it was closing up, but I had to force myself to talk. “Have you ever tried talking to her?”

“Sure. She doesn’t act like she notices we’re there. That’s all.”

***

To my surprise, later that day, Viktor appeared in the hallway again, even though he was supposed to be en route to New York by now. “Ah, there you are.” He said, lifting a small bag. “You forgot a few things!”

“Oh.”

Darcy gaped at him from his bedroom door, but said nothing. I was sure I’d be hearing from him soon.

“Let’s just put these in your room.” I nodded, leading him towards my room, which hadn’t changed at all since he’d left me here except for the several photographs sitting on the nightstand.

He sat on the edge of the bed (Darcy was now eavesdropping in the hallway) and opened the bag. “The book you’ve been reading, your spare glasses, that outfit that you find most comfortable— how could you forget _that_ — aaand… he plucked a ring from the bottom of the bag. “I didn’t realize you’d taken this off. I know you prefer the golden band, but—”  
  
“I didn’t want it to get stolen. Diamonds, they’re worth a lot, you know.” I took it from him and hesitantly slipped it back on in its usual place. “Thanks.”

“My trip was delayed. I’m leaving at four, in case you were wondering.” He kissed my hand. “Is everything alright here?”

“I’ve barely been here a few hours, Viktor, so I don’t know.” I forced myself to smile a bit so he wouldn’t worry. “Go on, then, you’ve served your purpose. I’ll… see you soon, I suppose.”

“I’ll call when I get back to New York, and next Sunday.” He promised.

And then he was gone.

I heard a whistle at the door. There was Darcy. “That was him? Damn… if you don’t want him, can I-”  
“No.” I cut him off. “He’s really terrible. Leaving me here like this. Scolding me like a child.”

“Yeah but he’s like… really hot. Goddamn…”

“As if he’d take you seriously. He doesn’t listen to me, imagine how well he’d treat you.”

“He seemed very attentive and adoring in my personal opinion. You’re just mad he made you stay here.”

I pouted.

“How’s his… you know…”

“Oh, Darcy.” I rolled my eyes. “As if I’d tell you.”

Darcy sat on the ground by my bed. “Tell me... my husband hardly comes to see me, and believe me, when he does, I’m so sex starved that his shriveled excuse for a dick almost looks appealing. But I know there’s better out there.”

“You… have sex with your husband when he visits?”

“Uh, yeah? Even Margaret does it, and she hates her husband. He beats her and all that. We just get so bored.”

“That’s terrible. How often does Margaret’s husband come?”

“Every Sunday so far.”

“Mm.”

“So, you were saying~”

I shook my head. “There’s so much more to a marriage than sex, and he’s lacking every place else.”

“Mm… it didn’t seem like he-“

“Well, he is.”

.

The following day was Sunday, which meant visitors. Margaret may be from Philadelphia, but Darcy explained that her husband hasn’t worked a day in his life and has just been living in Atlanta, so he hasn’t gone back home at all since she got here. Too bad my own couldn’t do the same.

Darcy’s husband visited too. He was very round and probably a few years older than Viktor, but I could understand that that would seem quite old to someone Darcy’s age.  And even though Darcy talked such trash to me about his husband, he was all smiles when he saw him.

They went into Darcy’s room, so I decided to retreat to the library until the visiting hours were over. To my horror, that woman, Lucille was in there with a nurse. She was reading. I’d never seen her before.

“Hello, Yuuri.” The nurse said. “This is Lucille. Lucille, this is Yuuri. He’s new here.”

She didn’t look up from her book.

“Sh-should I go? I- I don’t want to intrude—“

“Lucille is feeling pleasant today and wished to be in an open area. Don’t let her stop you.”

“Oh… okay.” I picked up a book I’d been working on and sat on the other end of the couch, as far away from her as I could. We both read in silence for a while, until I heard her whispering. Not to me. But to something beside me.

And then, our eyes met. She looked curious. “You haven’t visited me in months.”

“Huh…?”

“You look so different. You’ve pierced your ears. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I beg your pardon…?”

“Sorry…” the nurse chuckled nervously. “We used to have a nurse called Lin. He was Chinese.”

“I’m not Chinese.”

“I know, but she often confuses faces. Her and Lin were good friends. He was the only one she’d talk to. Why, when they spoke, she almost seemed sane.”

“I see…” slowly, I stood, and Lucille grabbed my arm. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Lucille, let go of Yuuri.” The nurse intervened, but her grip was unbelievably strong.

“Yuuri?” She laughed. “You all try to confuse me! This is Lin and you have kept him from me long enough! He left me after he promised he wouldn’t!”

I struggled and eventually pulled myself free.

“ _Lucille_ , this is _Yuuri._ Look at him. He’s not Lin. Lin left some time ago. He lives in Texas now.”

“He _said_ he loved me! He said he was going to get me out of here!” Lucille exclaimed.

“Yuuri, maybe it _is_ best you go on out.”

“Yeah.” But where else could I go? I didn’t want to sit in the main area. I didn’t want to sit in my room, where I could hear… noises… through the wall. I liked the library and wanted to stay right there. But Lucille…

I suppose I’d stood there too long, for Lucille’s book was hurled at my head and she started shouting absolute nonsense in my direction. She knocked my glasses off, so I crouched to find them while more staff was called in to deal with her. Today wasn’t off to a great start.

I was told to avoid Lucille from then on, which wouldn’t be hard to do, since she seldom left her room anyway. She was taken to a different ward that night, but she was back the following morning.

***

Darcy, Margaret and I met up the next morning, shortly before my first proper appointment with my designated doctor. “How were the visits?”

“Pfft. I’m such a slut.” Darcy groaned. “I get disgusted just thinking about him. I don’t know why I let him. Dr. Morris is where it’s really at.”

“And my husband’s trying to get me released in time for our son’s graduation in two weeks. I don’t want to go home. I like it much better here than I do there.” Margaret added.

“Poor Marge… just start acting up and maybe they won’t let you leave.” Darcy suggested.

“No, then my husband will be angry. I’d rather not have that beast to deal with.”

“You poor dear, Margaret. I hate him. He’s so cruel for no good reason.”

“He’s always been that way. Especially since the war.” Margaret sighed. “The trauma of it got to him, I guess. We had a little boy at the time who practically lost his father when he came back. He drank all the time. He was shot in the stomach…”

“Was he abusive before?” I asked.

“No, not at all. So there came a point when I just couldn’t stand him anymore and tried to take my life.”

“I’m so sorry, Margaret. You know, being with you two makes me feel so selfish. I complained so much about my own life when you two clearly have it so much worse.”

“Surely you’ve got your own set of problems.”

I hugged myself. “I lost my daughter. But my life outside that… I live in a huge house that’s oceanfront. Servants waiting on me hand and foot. A good husband that comes home only to me. What have I got to be sad for?”

.

“You must be Yuuri.” the doctor looked up when I walked into his office, and I was surprised at how young and handsome he was, since every doctor I’d seen prior was old, gray, and mean. “My name’s Evan. You can call me Dr. Morris  if you want, but it’s really just a formality.” He stood to shake my hand, and then he asked me to sit down on the sofa. He sat on an adjacent chair. “You know, I haven’t heard too much about you since you got here, which is probably a good thing. But still, you’re here for a reason….”

I shrugged.

“He made you come here, right? And you don’t think you need to be here.”

“That’s right.”

“So let’s talk about him, eh? Viktor Nikiforov… he’s very rich. Was it an arranged marriage? Your parents made you marry this guy and now you think he’s trying to get rid of you?”

“I don’t know what to think.” I began, “We weren’t arranged, and in fact, we’ve had a happy marriage for almost ten years. But ever since my condition arised, he’s been trying to get me sent away. He won’t listen to what I tell him I need, like he doesn’t care.”

“Right, right, you think he’s just taking you here for no reason other than to get you away.”

“More or less.”

“Alright… and what about what you said to him, some time ago when you were still in New York? I believe it was something along the lines of… _I’ll drive off a bridge into a river and we’ll die and you’ll burn in hell_?”

My cheeks burned.

“It sounds to me like you’d like to be rid of him, too.”

“I didn’t realize what I was saying. When I- when I get very upset, I… I say things I don’t mean…”

“Ah. But perhaps you do mean them, you just knew better than to say those things when you’re calm.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to kill him, if that’s what you’re getting at. As frustrating as he is, I’d never…”

“I was told you get upset when people start talking about politics. Why is that?”

“How about… you ask that question again, Dr. Morris, and this time, you take a good look at me.”

“You think they’re talking about you?”

“I know they are.”

“And it upsets you, makes you act out…”

“I was already upset when they brought that up.”

“What were you upset about?”

I blinked. “You mean to say that my husband brought up all the details of my fits and the conversations we’ve had, but _didn’t_ tell you what started all of this?”

“No, he didn’t. Maybe you could tell me?”

I rolled my eyes. “In February, my infant daughter died of influenza.”

“Ah… I see. And this was greatly upsetting, obviously, and you’re still grieving.”

“That I am. Badly.” I sniffed. “I miss her so much. She was so perfect…”

“I’m going to take a wild guess on this. Your husband did not share in your grief.”

“He… well…”

My sweet little Rosaly…

_She was born right on time on October 23rd, 1928. When she came out with a face far paler than my other two, I knew something wasn’t quite right. But I thought, maybe she took after her father’s pale skin. It was wishful thinking. I knew better. Not even Viktor was this pale._

_She was always sickly, and so I kept her with me at all times and away from the outside. None of the sicknesses were too severe, until she caught something awful just two weeks after Christmas. Her chest would rattle when she breathed in and her fever seldom broke. I never left her side, not even when doctor after doctor told me there was nothing left to be done for her._

_Viktor tried to be there for her. He tried upkeeping some false hope that everything would be alright._

_But when it came down to her final moments in early February, he couldn’t stand it anymore._

_He left the house. I was the only one there when she died._

_When it happened, I couldn’t bring myself to accept it. To me, it all seemed to have happened so fast. It seemed like just moments ago she'd been born, apparently healthy. It hurt to think about how happy I was at her birth, because oh, we wanted her so much and we were so happy when we found out she was going to be born. I remembered being so excited I was practically bouncing out of my seat on the ride home from the doctors. But I'd been so excited that I didn't go home at all; instead, I went straight to Viktor's office to break the news._

_He was just as happy as I._

_And now she's dead. Still, I stayed beside that quiet cradle, talking to her as if she could hear me and tending to her as if she wasn’t gray-skinned and imagined those eyes weren’t lifeless and really did look at me._

_Viktor came home in the wee hours of the morning. His eyes were swollen and red, but he didn’t show any actions like he cared. “Stop that.” Was the first thing he said when he came back into her nursery, though his eyes were wide with something like terror in them. “Can’t you see she’s dead ? Stop talking to her!” He took my arm, pulling me away from the cradle._

_“V-Viktor…”_

_“What’s the matter with you, Yuuri? Why haven’t you called for someone, yet? We can’t let a dead body sit in this house, she’ll rot and the entire place will smell like-”_

_“Viktor, stop !” I pushed him back towards the door. “If you’re going to act like this, just go away! Y-You know how… how loud noises upset her…” For that brief moment, he seemed to understand the absolute shock and heartbreak I felt. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my hair, promising that everything would be alright and calling me his darling and saying things that I was too depressed to hear. I don’t remember climbing into bed beside him, but all I know is that I couldn’t bring myself to let go of him until I cried myself to sleep._

_After that, he never let his emotions slip through, even when he knew I needed him to._

***

_The funeral was held on a Tuesday. I knew I had to go, no matter how much it pained me to. I just went through the motions and tried to get it over with._

_I remember waking up, looking out the window at the dark sky as rain poured down. Viktor came up behind me and kissed my shoulder. “If we can get through today, we can get through anything.”_

_I ignored him._

_We should get going soon.” His arms wrapped around my middle. “Do you want me to help you get dressed?”_

_“I’m fine.”_

_“Very well.” He kissed my shoulder again. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. I’m going to make sure the children are dressed.”_

_I hadn’t seen my children in days. I wondered— just for a second— how they were. But at the same time, I really didn’t care. There was only one person I cared about, and she was gone. Gone…_

_At the funeral, Viktor stood close to me, but I wouldn’t let anyone touch me. My eyes stung from my constant crying, and in that moment my expression could only be described as bitter._

_I stood in the graveyard long after everyone else had left, clutching my umbrella tightly and wondering_ why this had to happen _to us._

_To me._

_._

_He woke early the following day and started getting ready for work. I stayed still, trying to seem as if I was still asleep so he wouldn’t talk to me. Last night, while we laid side-by-side in the quiet, thinking about the empty space between us where our baby had just been days ago, he started talking about going back to work, and wanting to know how I felt about that._

_And I had broken down, not because he was going to work, but he interpreted it that way. He just didn’t understand. So I didn’t want to talk to him anymore._

_He crouched down at my side of the bed, gently stroking my hair. He had something to say to me._

***

“And what did he say to you?” Dr. Morris asked, removing his glasses to rub at his eyes. He acted like my story genuinely affected him.

“He told me… he told me that what happened the night before shouldn’t happen again. That we needed…”

“He told you he shouldn’t talk to you about work?”

“No, we…” I swallowed. Why shouldn’t I embarrass Viktor, after how much he embarrassed me, giving away all my private information? It was time for a little bit of payback. “We had sex. It’d been a while, and I wanted it, I wanted his comfort and closeness. But afterward, he realized how much of a mistake it was. Neither of us were in the right state of mind. And he didn’t want to have more children. I was fertile at the time, so there was a chance…”

“I see. And from then on, there was a disconnect between you two.”

“You might say so…”

* * *

“I don’t think I’m ever getting out of here.” Darcy admitted to me when it was just us two walking in the garden that afternoon. Margaret was upstairs packing, as she was being discharged in the morning. For the first time, Darcy actually appeared to be upset.

“Don’t think that way, Darcy. Why wouldn’t you?”

“B-because there’s something actually wrong with me?” The two of us sat on a bench. He stared at the bricks of the hospital wall. “I don’t want kids. I don’t want to be married. I don’t want to be _me._ And- and that’s not normal. So you know I won’t be let out unless I conform. And I won’t.”

“Have you considered—“

“I mean, look at you! You’re here, but you aren’t here because you hate your life like I do. You were okay with having kids, you wanted to. And you are okay with wearing girlish clothes. I- I never could be like that, no matter how hard I tried!”

“And you shouldn’t have to be. Darcy, there are plenty of us that don’t take on this lifestyle. I just… I’d had a rough life, and I wanted the finer things. I liked being spoiled and didn’t care about what I wore or how I looked. But I know what you’re feeling.” I touched his hand. “I married young, too. At seventeen. And at the time, I didn’t want a thing to do with my true self. I decided, briefly, that I’d hide that part of myself for the rest of my life. But that didn’t end up working out, and I’m glad of it.”

Darcy sniffled, leaning his head against my shoulder. And I realized then that he was nothing more than a child put in a situation he didn’t deserve. I wished more than anything he didn’t have to follow the same path I did.

“Darcy, if you hadn’t married, what would’ve been your dream?”

He paused only for a moment. “I wanted to perform in an orchestra until I realized dreams like that don't exist for people like me. Still, I played piano, violin, and several other instruments growing up. My husband paid for the lessons before I knew I’d be marrying him.” 

“It sounds like he supports that dream of yours. Why don’t you play anymore?”

Darcy frowned. “Because the neighbors, and you know how people talk. ‘My Darcy, should you really be wasting your time with these endeavors?’ ‘Darcy Atkins wastes his time on hobbies instead of taking care of his husband.’ or ‘did you hear of Darcy Atkins? Married for two years and refuses to have children. Spends all his time playing music. I feel bad for Dominic.’ And Yuuri, I got tired of their talk. So I just stopped.”

“What did your husband say?” I asked.

“Oh, he never said much of anything. Just, do whatever you want, Darcy. Until the “whatever I want” turned into drinking and partying.”

“I see. You know what I think you should do, Darcy? Tell him you want to play music again. And never mind your stupid neighbors. If I listened to everything my neighbors said about me, I’d be even more miserable than I already am.”

“Oh _really_ …? And what do they say about you?”

I winced. “Ah, lots of colorful words. I’m quite scandalous myself, or, I was before my kids were born.”

“I never would’ve guessed! You’re so sweet!”

***

We had our last dinner with Margaret that night. Apparently, before Saturday, someone would be taking her place. But still, we’d miss her. Margaret was very sweet and didn’t deserve the hell she was going back to. I could tell how nervous she was.

“Hey, when you get back to Philadelphia, and I go home, we’ll have to get together sometime.” I said, but it made her feel no better.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to. But goodness…” She turned to Darcy. “Am I going to miss your company.”

“You’ve been like a big sister to me, Marge. Which is why I hate that you’re going home. I want to protect you.”

“You can’t, Darcy. And that’s okay. I’ll be alright.”

“I wish I could just beat the shit out of your husband. Just once. Maybe that’d knock some sense into him.”

“Margaret.” The three of us jolted upon hearing Lucille’s voice. She stood in the doorframe. Her hair was fixed and she wore clothes different from her usual. Almost… nice. “I understand you’re leaving tomorrow.”

“That’s right.” Margaret said evenly, meeting her eyes. Lucille had an intense gaze.

“I’m sorry we never got to know each other.” Lucille edged into the room. She had no nurse with her. “The closest we’ve ever been is our baths, and those are like nightmares.”

Darcy and I exchanged looks. Baths here were really no fun.

“But still, I… I wish you the best, out there.”

“Thank you, Lucille. Why don’t you come sit with us?”

“Oh no, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t want to intrude on your little party.” She smiled weakly. “It must be lovely, getting to leave. I assume my husband has forgotten about me, here. Otherwise I would have left by now.”

None of us knew what to say. How could she not know? And if she really was oblivious, was it fair that no one had told her the truth of what happened to her husband? Something wasn’t right.

Margaret stood. “Lucille, I want you to come and sit with us. It’s no good for you, being holed up in your room all day. And besides, since we won’t be seeing each other again, it’d be a shame for us not to have you join our little party.”

Lucille did, but she said little. Still, I could tell it meant a lot to her to sit with us.

***

Margaret and I said our proper goodbyes the following morning while I waited outside the bathroom for her to finish up with the mirror. She dressed in what she usually wore on Sunday during visiting hours. But today, her scars were quite noticeable along with her bruises. Those were fresh. I couldn’t stand to see her go back to that monster.

“Margaret?” I bit my lip. “When you get back to Philadelphia…”

“Yes?”

“Go to the Hotel Marinette, ask for Phichit Chulanont, he works there. Tell him I sent you. He could help you get to New York. I have… I have a guest house, right by the water, it’s beautiful. And.. and nobody uses it…”

“Oh no, I couldn’t. There’s no way…”

“You shouldn’t have to get abused for the rest of your life!” I exclaimed. “If you find Phichit, he’ll know he owes me a favor and make sure you get to New York safely. And I _know_ my family will look after you there. You could be rid of that monster.”

“Monster? He’s my husband, Yuuri. I don’t want to divorce him. I- I’ve put him under a lot of stress, you know.”

“Stress? You’re under stress. He _beats_ you. He deserves hell.”

“Nonsense, Yuuri… I’ve been wrong all along. I should’ve respected him. Shouldn’t have been so defiant.” She couldn’t even look at herself in the mirror. I knew she wasn’t sincere in her words. This was what she had to say to leave.

“The hell are you saying, Margaret? This wasn’t your fault!!!”

She turned towards me. “You don’t know my situation. You’re an outsider. You don’t understand. You never would.” Little did she know… “Now please, leave me alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had most of this ready since December, but I've been making modifications here and there.
> 
> Some notes, I guess:
> 
> 1\. I'm working on Scarlett's little one shot series thingy but it's soooo hard to write the last chunk (1938-1945) because WAR and angst and racial tensions aren't exactly fun to work on. But I'm getting there. I want to have that completed in February.
> 
> 2\. like the stars' epilogue bonuses are still incomplete because of my lack of inspiration. Right now I have an ounce of it for the clue au, so if it ever swings back to like the stars, those will be out.
> 
> 3\. Refusing to get back on Tumblr, but if you ever want to discuss this story or my others or just cry about yoi in general i'm over here @ yuuriseyelashes on Twitter, let's be friends.
> 
> Until next time (whenever that is)  
> Red
> 
> Next time: The full hospital stay adventures, getting discharged, fun times, bad times...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Racists in this chapter.  
> Also you will likely experience strong second-hand embarrassment

Later that morning, while Darcy and I sat in the tubs of the bathroom, being watched by a bored staff member, we heard a scream. It wasn’t an angry one, like you might hear downstairs from time to time. It was one of terror, of heartbreak.

“You two stay right here.” Said the staff member (I think Darcy told me his name was Teddy), and then he hurried out of the bathroom.

Darcy had his knees up to his chest, and he looked quite afraid. “That sounded like Lucille. What do you think—”

“I don’t know.” I slid the razor provided up my leg. This was so awkward. Especially because Darcy was fine with staring at me or standing up completely naked. He didn’t try covering himself. He wasn’t shy like I’d become. “I’m sure she screams a lot. She never seems quite with it.” 

(Sometimes I felt like screaming. Waking in the dead of night from a dream in which my baby is crying, only to find she wasn’t there. I’d be so close to screaming… I might even have on some occasions, but I can’t remember. I’ve said the most awful things when I get overly upset.

One one occasion, Viktor finally was able to go to work not long after the funeral, until I ominously called his office and announced to him quite calmly that I was so sick of our house that I was going to burn it down. And of course, since Scarlett had been home with me, he assumed I meant with her in it. So he panicked, called one of our neighbors to check in until he could get there. They found me and Scarlett in the parlor, all being right. But when Viktor came home, I was bathing her, and he felt like I was going to hurt her. That upset me, we argued, and I said far worse things than I’m willing to admit in these pages.

I would never harm one of my children, and I want to make that very clear. Much as I’ve struggled to bond with them, harming them had never been on my mind.

I remember looking at Scarlett in her cradle and really studying her features for the first time. She was about a month old. I think I screamed that day, but that memory kind of blurred. I just remember how upset I was that no matter how hard I looked at her, no matter how many hours I spent thinking about her or being near her, that I could feel nothing. After I supposedly screamed, I sunk to my knees beside her cradle, defeated, ears covered while she cried for me…

“Yuuri? What’s wrong with Scarlett?” Our bedroom door was locked. “Is everything alright in there?”

He found me, curled into myself in a corner, as far away from the cradle as I could get. I watched him tend to Scarlett, hold her until she calmed down, and gently set her down once more. When he approached me, he didn’t have to ask, for I told him. “Nothing’s wrong with Scarlett, something is wrong with  _ me _ . I- I think I can’t love her!”

“Nonsense, darling, you’re just… feeling overwhelmed, that’s all... you’re exhausted, you need to rest more—”

“It’s not that.” I wept bitterly. “I’m not tired at all, I can’t sleep even when I try. It’s her, she’s the one that’s doing this to me. She’s the reason I’m like this, it’s all her fault…” 

“She’s just a baby, she couldn’t help having to be born. And you know that you wanted her, before. We were so excited, remember? That feeling will come back, you’ll see. You just need some time.”)

“Hey, are you listening to me, Yuuri?” Darcy tossed a loofah at me. “I  _ said _ I’ve been here a while, and yes, she shouts, but she never  _ screams _ like that.”

“Hopefully she’s alright. Perhaps something just overwhelmed her. ”

Darcy nodded and started to rinse the soap from himself. “I feel bad for her, you know. She has no one in the world who wants her. And once her husband’s money runs out at the end of the year, she’ll be sent to a state institution for the rest of her life.”

“That’s terrible. Why would his money run out so soon?”

“Her husband’s money was meant to last, but there was a disagreement about the will and his next of kin. And now she has significantly less.”

“Where was she from originally?”

“I don’t know… she acts like she knows the area well. But no one comes to see her, so whatever family she has out there isn’t around anymore.”

“Hmm…”

“I don’t blame her for going mad. I can’t even begin to imagine losing a child to polio, or… to any illness. That’s terrifying. Where do you go from there?”

I felt my hands trembling and put the razor down beside the tub. “I’m not sure. It’s not as if I’ve ever experienced it.”

He outright gasped. “ _ Shit _ , I’m so sorry! I totally forgot you lost your daughter last winter…. fuck.” 

“It’s fine. It’s nothing in compare to what happened to Lucille.” I tried to assure him, but he still looked really guilty. 

Once we were dressed and combed, we tiptoed through the hall, where we could still hear Lucille practically wailing in her bedroom. Her door was open, and Margaret was doing her best to comfort her. I didn’t think that she was crying because Margaret was leaving. It seemed more intense than that.

***

That night I dreamed that my husband came for me and I was finally able to leave this place. But best of all, he held my precious baby in his arms, healthy and bigger than she’d been when I last saw her. My heart felt overfilled with utter joy, but when I woke up, I felt cold. Nothing…

I turned onto my side, realizing where I was. I could hardly believe I let myself get put into this situation. It’s not as if my life was hard at home. Oh goodness, poor Yuuri, who had to, what— get out of bed in the morning, bathe in a gorgeous porcelain tub, get dolled up and then *gasp* supervise a three year old from afar for a few hours before having the night to do as he pleases? What a miserable, sorrowful life he had! Why, of course it makes sense that he had to be sent away, he needed his rest!

Pathetic!

I’ve been a spoiled brat for years and I didn’t deserve Viktor, the patience and love he gave me. My chest started hurting thinking about how much work he’s missed this year just to accompany to every last doctors visit, to comfort me, to take care of the children or to take me here. How he could hardly spend an hour away from me without me causing problems. God, he deserved this break.

In the morning, I called his office to apologize for how I’d been. I was greeted by Yuri’s less than cheerful voice. “They let you have free roam there, don’t they?”

“Yes… to some extent. May I speak with my husband, please?”

“He’s not here yet. He’s been coming in a bit later to make sure Nikolas gets to school safely. That, and your darling Scarlett and her issues. May I take a message?” He asked in a sarcastic tone. 

“Just… tell him that I’m sorry.”

“Racking up all these telephone charges just to say you’re sorry?”

“I need him to know how sorry I am for doing all this to him. And- and I want him to know he can leave me here and not come back… I’d understand.”

“Waste of time. You know he wouldn’t agree with that. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m very busy this morning. Go back to doing nothing and write him a love letter or something.” The line went dead. 

Biting my lip, I hung up and stared at the phone for a long time. “I’m sorry to you, too.”

***

“Hey Yuuri, we’ve got a new friend. That new person just arrived.” Darcy poked his head through the door. “Staff wants us to introduce ourselves. She’s whining already.”

“Goody.” I slipped out of bed. I was dressed nicely today, just because, which was a good thing. I smoothed a hand through my hair and followed Darcy to the main area. The woman in question was nagging a staff member, facing away from us. Going on about how the sofa wasn’t comfortable enough, she didn’t like the wallpaper, and the air smelled of smoke which was bad for her lungs. But when she saw the two of us, things got far worse. For she all-but-shrieked, with a horrified expression: “This is  _ unacceptable ! _ ”

“Aaand here we go…” Darcy murmured, starting to back up towards the hallway again to avoid the confrontation. 

“What?” The staff member beside her asked.

“You didn’t tell me they allowed—”

I knew, regardless of what she was about to say, I was going to be offended. And she explained to the staff member quickly that she was under the impression this ward was for whites only, as was the rest of the building. 

“Shit…” Darcy shook his head. “So much for having a new friend.” He tried to joke it off, but I noticed the way he flinched at the word this woman used to describe him. 

Anyone else in my position would duck their head and retreat, but I grew tired of hearing this nonsense. Especially since we had quite a few members of staff who were people of color, and were the nicest of all to us. Who did this woman think she was? 

I snapped when she continued on about filth and contamination and other despicable things and then started talking about the staff, and even Darcy, and actually marched right up to her. “Excuse me.”

She jolted. 

"How dare you say such terrible things about the people busting their asses to take care of you!”

“Now Yuuri…” Someone started to scold, but I brushed them off.

“The reality is, no matter if you’re black, white, Asian,  _ whatever _ , we’re all fucking staying here because we’re all fucked up in the head.  It’s unfair that the rest of us have to be even more miserable because your entitled—”   
  
“Yuuri.” One of the nearby nurses touched my arm. “Please go back to your room.”

The woman looked like she had seen a ghost. Her mouth hung open, and she couldn’t speak. 

I nodded to myself. “Fine.”

Just as I started to walk away, she threw over her shoulder, “I’ll speak with my husband about this. If this is a ward filled with colored people, the price should be discounted for the lack of quality.”

I was about to go back over there, but Darcy tugged my arm. His eyes were filled with tears. “Yuuri, let’s just go.”

.

“The farm I live on? Yeah, former plantation…” Darcy squeezed his hands together once we’d retreated back to my room. “It was my father’s. My mother is black. I’m sure you assumed that.” 

“I figured as much.”

“Anyway, my dad, he was good to us. Him and my mom were married and everything, and they always got shit for it. Eventually, though, Dad lost his job and decided to sell the house. My husband is the one that bought it. He said he’d give Dad more money for the house if he could marry me. And he let him. It was then I realized that I’d never meant much to my father at all, if he was willing to sell me off like that.”

I was reminded of my own situation as a teenager, immediately sympathizing with him even more than I had before. “You’re undoubtedly far more familiar with people like her.”

“Unfortunately, no matter how desperately my parents wanted to shield me from it. I had private tutors so I wouldn’t have to worry about going to school. I hardly ever left the farm unless we were going on vacation. It was lonely. But I guess it was better than being out there.”

“It wasn’t as bad for me. But I still was treated differently on my husband’s side. Cold looks, mostly. And he’s told me some of the awful things they say about me. But still… it’s been a while since anyone’s said anything to me like that.”

“What did they say about you?”

“That my husband should’ve married someone else. That I’ve ruined the blood line. That my children are tainted.”

“I’d fuck ‘em up. That’s a terrible thing to say. And you know… that’s one of the reasons I never want to have kids.” He sprawled out on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t want them to grow up in a world like this.”

“I understand where you’re coming from.” I began, “But I can’t exactly relate. We are different races, after all. Your reasons are a bit different from mine. But still, while I felt the same way as you at your age, I couldn’t help it… I’ve always wanted children. I have an obsession with adorable little babies…” 

“Babies are cute, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t have the care to have my own. I hate the idea of that big of a responsibility. I think it would be unfair for me to put them in a situation nobody would ever ask for."

* * *

New York

“Well, if it isn’t little Miss Scarlett!” Elizaveta greeted her great-niece and nephew with open arms when they arrived at the family get together in late May. Scarlett’s hair was braided neatly down her back (it’d only taken an hour or so of failed attempts) and both were in their second changing of clothes for the day after breakfast’s disaster. But his family didn’t need to know that. “You’ve grown since I’ve last seen you, I swear!” She scooped Scarlett up into her arms and patted Nikolas’ head. She glanced behind Viktor. “Where’s—”

“Oh, he’s visiting family in Georgia.” Viktor replied, a rehearsed response he was prepared to give with little detail.

“Still? That’s where I thought he was three weeks ago.”

“They haven’t seen each other in more than ten years, so…”   
“I see.” She pinched her lips together. “Come in, won’t you?”

The children were ushered along to meet with their distant cousins and were given plates while Viktor was dragged along to meet with his relatives on the veranda, many asking the same question as Elizaveta had when he arrived. He grew tired of giving the same answer every time, but understood that it did seem suspicious, as I hadn’t missed this particular get-together since we were on our honeymoon in 1920, and of course, when we skipped this event to attend a party at Mr. Feltsman’s home in May of 1922.

And damn did he miss me. It was so much easier getting through these sorts of things with me by his side. 

Eventually, he grew tired of greeting the extended family, giving the excuse for my absence and being peppered with questions and retired at a table furthest away from the rest of the family. Yuri joined him not long after. “You look tired.”

“My kids enjoy staying up half the night.” Viktor rested his head on the table.

“How late?”

“Last night, Scarlett wouldn’t sleep until almost midnight.”

“Shit, that’s nothing.”

“But we had to be up by six-thirty today, so she’s exhausted, she’s thrown three tantrums since getting up, and Nikolas, if he gives me that look of his one more time, I swear…” 

Yuri chuckled. “Sounds to me like you don’t know how to deal with your own kids. Did you really make Yuuri do it all? No wonder he went crazy.”

“He didn’t do it  _ all _ , and besides, they listen to him better than me.”

“Because you don’t really do the parenting. You just watch from afar and pay for things. There’s really a huge difference between his interactions with them and yours. That’s why you’re tired, you’re not used to being an actual father.”

“What does an actual father do? Every dad I’ve known has been completely uninvolved.”

“True, but that’s got to change. One person can’t raise kids all on their own.”

“Are you hungry, Viktor?” Viktor groaned as he saw his Aunt Valeriya approaching, which meant she was going to start lecturing him as she had yet to acknowledge him. “You must be, not having anyone to cook for you at home since you dismissed the kitchen staff! What a silly idea.” She put a plate in front of him. “Eat, you’re becoming too thin. All this stress isn’t good for you, dear.”

“It’ll pass.” Viktor sighed. 

“You know what I think? What everyone thinks, really.”

“I’m not sure I want to.”

“You need to let your stressors go, so you can be happy. It’s quite clear what’s causing all this is Yuuri Katsuki. He’s safe and hospitalized hundreds of miles from here. Why are you still stressing over him? Just leave him there for good.”

“Shut up, Val.” Yuri snapped. “You can’t just abandon the one you love.”

“Hmm.” She slid out a chair to join her nephews. “You know my cousin, Albert? Well, his wife brought along her sister, Alena, and she’s very beautiful. She’s got a teaching degree, and she’s only twenty-three, she’s so bright, and—”

“Seriously? Fuck off…” Yuri voiced Viktor’s thoughts. “Viktor’s a married man. Stop trying to play matchmaker to a guy who doesn’t need it.”

“I must agree.” Viktor piped up. “I’ve always known you disapproved of my marriage, but I don’t need you meddling in my personal affairs. I’ve no intentions to divorce Yuuri.”

“Even if he will be hospitalized for the rest of his life?”

“Even if.” Viktor nodded. “Now, please, go find someone else to pester.”

.

While Viktor waited outside the washroom for Scarlett to finish, he overheard a hushed conversation in the hallway.  
“ _And she really said that_?”  
“ _Uh-huh. Took him to Georgia to avoid the shame of dealing with him. I’ve also heard a divorce has already been put into process_.”

“ _Well, it’s about time. If only they didn’t have kids, then this whole mistake could’ve been erased_.”  
“ _Do you pity the children_?”

“ _They can’t help that they were born tainted, of course. But no, I really don’t pity them at all. They’ve got that filth in them, so nothing can be done to redeem them from that_.”

“I’m all done, Daddy!” Scarlett opened the door, hands still wet from attempting to wash them in the sink. The front of her dress was damp, too. “Can we go outside?”

“Actually, we’re gonna head on home. I’m sure you’re just about ready for a nap, anyway.”

“Aww… I don’t wanna!” She started to whine. He quickly picked her up. “We can go see a  _ Mickey Mouse _ —”

“NO! I WANNA STAY HERE!” She started to kick and struggle against him in attempts to get down.  _ What would Yuuri do in this situation?  _ He wondered. I would just keep walking. I wouldn’t respond to her antics, I would just continue about like she wasn’t acting up.

Fortunately, Nikolas had been in the hallway looking for him, so they were able to leave “easily”, Scarlett screaming at the top of her lungs.

Val was quick to come when she heard her precious Scarlett screaming. “Viktor! What’s the matter with her?”

“We’re leaving.”

“She clearly wants to stay…” Scarlett reached for her aunt, but Viktor kept her far enough out of reach. “We haven’t even had dessert! Let her down…”

“Say goodbye, Scarlett…”

“Oh, but Viktor, look how upset she is. Just let her—”

This is the issue I’d always had with his aunt. She thought that just because she was the matriarch of the family that she could make decisions on the behalf of everyone. She was always trying to take Scarlett from us and it made me so annoyed. Today was no different for them.

“ _ I  _ am her father, Valeriya! You don’t get to make these decisions, I do! So back off!”

Scarlett cried for about five minutes after they left, but fell asleep against her brother and left them with a bit of peace. 

Viktor’s eyes were burning from lack of sleep and his stress. He wondered if it would be too terrible to rest his eyes for a few moments on this straight-shot road… just perhaps for a second…

“Daddy?”

He gripped the wheel. “Yes, son?”

Nikolas stood on his seat, leaning against the back of Viktor’s. “I have to go to pee.”

“Can you hold it? We’re still a while from home.”

“I don’t think I can.”

Viktor sighed, exasperated. “When I  _ asked  _ if you had to go before we left—”

“I didn’t have to go then!”

“Of course.” Viktor knew they’d be on this road for at least another several miles and wasn’t sure where the nearest restroom was. “You really have to go, huh?”

“Badly.”

He pulled off onto the side of the road. “Alright, go on then.”

.

Not long after they’d gotten back onto the road, Scarlett started to whine.

“What  _ is  _ it, Scarlett?”

She didn’t answer, but the way she gripped her stomach told all. He hoped it would just pass, so he continued to drive, feeling himself at wit’s end. If I’d been there, I could at least attempt to calm her down. But alone, he couldn’t drive and soothe a child at the same time.

They were about a mile from home when Scarlett threw up. And because she’d gotten vomit on herself, she started shrieking. The smell nauseated Nikolas, who apparently had a stomach ache too, and then he too, got sick on our lovely leather seats. 

By the time he parked in front of our house, half the neighborhood were aware of the crying Nikiforov children. And Viktor, he gave up on trying to stay calm and collected. And as disgusting as they were at that moment, he lifted them both and carried them into the house, directing a servant to start cleaning out the car.

He bathed both of them at the same time, changed them into their pajamas, and sat them in our bed, each accompanied by small buckets. He fell asleep in his full suit, in between the two of them. They all slept until that evening.

He realized it then. He couldn’t do this alone. It was hard raising kids as it was, but especially alone. He couldn’t even imagine how things would be if our youngest was still alive and I was gone, for he could hardly handle two. 

Our kids, they needed me. He decided to take them to Atlanta as soon as he could. 

Their dinner was simple and probably tasted bad, but the children ate everything he put in front of them: simple soups and crackers that were easy on their stomachs.

They played board games, listened to the children’s favorite radio program, and even went walking by the water for a little while before bed. It was strange, spending this much, undivided time with them without me being there. 

And he decided he loved it. He loved that he had this opportunity to spend time with them, to get to know them better. 

That night, they went to bed at a shocking 8:15, and Viktor marveled at the quiet. He gave me a call at 8:30, just 15 minutes before I was supposed to get ready for bed. It was the first time he called me. 

“Hey… how are things?”

Viktor was exhausted. The bags under his eyes were ready to stretch down to his chin, he felt. “Wonderful, really. The children are doing well.”

.

_ “Mama, look, I caught a minnow!” Viktor, only eight years old, ran up to his parents and baby brother on their private beach. Summer break had barely begun, and this was his first day home from boarding school in England.  _

_ The baby was being held by his nursemaid, but his parents still remained inattentive in their chairs. “That’s nice.” His mother murmured.  _

_ “I wanna keep it in my room! Can I?” _

_ “Minnows aren’t really good pets. We’ll buy you an aquarium if you want.”  _

_ Viktor slumped down, setting his bucket at the foot of the nursemaid. “I don’t want an aquarium.” _

_ The nursemaid smiled. “I know those aren’t easy to catch. You must be a skilled fisherman.” _

_ He grinned. “It took me forever.” _

_ “It indeed did not take you forever, Vitya. Just a few minutes at most.” _

_ “Papa, it felt like forever.” Viktor climbed up into his father’s lap. “What are you reading?” _

_ “You tell me.” He waved the paper around.  _

_ “Ah… New York… Stock— Papa, that’s boring. Why don’t you come swim?” _

_ “Hmmph.” He turned the page. “Run along, Vitya.” _

_ “But Papa…” _

_ “Vitya, don’t you see your father is busy? Go play!” The nursemaid urged.  _

_ So he carried his minnows back to the water and played by himself. When he turned back, he saw his parents walking towards the house, leaving him and his brother with the nursemaid. “Mama, Papa, wait!” He ran out of the water, dropping his minnow bucket just to try and reach them faster. “Wait for me!” _

_ “Vitya, no.” The nursemaid called. “They’re leaving now.” _

_ “Leaving?” He paused. “Well, I’ll go too! I can get dressed really fast!”  _

_ “No, Vitya, you can’t go. They’re attending a play.” _

_ “But I want…” he slumped, defeated once his parents disappeared from sight.  _

_ “It’s alright. Grab your towel and come sit by me and baby Alex.” _

.

The following day was Monday, and so Viktor had to go back to work. Once our son was dropped off at school, he took Scarlett to the office and set to work. Since she stayed there for so long during the day, Viktor converted an empty storage room into a playroom of sorts for her, which she quite enjoyed, but she preferred pretending she was his little assistant. She helped him throw away papers, organize his desk, sharpen pencils and stamp signatures. 

But he could tell how bored she got particularly around midday and wished she didn’t have to take naps on the visitor’s chair and could instead be home with me. 

At her usual nap time, she wasn’t content with sleeping on the rug and insisted on being held. Then, she wanted him to stand instead of sit. So he held her, standing in front of the window, rocking her back and forth slowly as she watched the falling rain. And just before she fell asleep, she whispered, “I miss Mommy.”

He kissed her hair. “Don’t worry, Scarlett. He’ll be back soon.”

Even after she fell asleep, he stayed there. It’d been a long time since he held her. 

Of course, the precious moment was interrupted by his cousin, who’d been promoted to his business partner two years ago and arguably worked harder than Viktor ever did. “Oh. Sorry to bother you.” He whispered.

“It’s alright. Did you need me?”

“No, I was checking in on her.”

“What, do you not trust me with my own daughter?”

“You were having a meltdown at the party yesterday, so…”

“Well… this may come as a surprise; but… I don’t know how to be a father”.

Yuri sat on Viktor's desk. "That's apparent. But you'd think, after more than six years, you'd figure it out."

"Unlike you, Mr. Plisetsky, I had no one to show me how. You wouldn't remember my father, would you? No, I suppose you wouldn't have seen him but once or twice. And even if you had, he wouldn't have stuck out. He always had his face in a newspaper. And when he didn't, he was leaving to go with my mother someplace, or to work. I only saw him briefly over winter break, and during summer vacation. The same with my mother, the same with my brothers until they came to the school themselves. How was I supposed to know how to be a father when my role model was a man more interested in the stocks than his own offspring?" He lowered his voice once Scarlett started to stir. "Listen, you were fortunate enough to have your grandfather after your father walked out. He raised you as well as he could, got you out of that gang shit you were into. He was a good man. That's why you do so well with my children, and will do well with your own someday. You had him to teach you."

Yuri didn't know what to say to this. Viktor hardly ever mentioned his past, not even to me, and no one in the extended family ever really discussed his parents, either. It was one of the mysteries of the family he never got to the bottom of. All he knew was that he didn't meet Viktor until his family's funeral in May of 1912, and by then no one would tell him what happened to them. "What... what really happened to them, Viktor?"

Viktor drew the curtains shut and gently set Scarlett on the rug, pillow beneath her. "They were killed when their ship sunk. I was supposed to be with them, but I had broken my leg, and as punishment was made to stay home. They took my two brothers... and apparently they all perished together." He stroked Scarlett's hair. "The thing is, I have asked survivors of the first class what happened to them. They have always said they don't know who I'm referring to. And I looked at the survivors' list, the list of the dead... my parents were among the dead, but my brothers were not. And yet, they claim only one child, a little girl, from the first class died. For years, I wondered what happened to them. Why my brothers were never found, why they didn't try to find me if they did survive... they would've come to New York, and even if I wasn't there, the servants were at our home, so  _why_..."

"I'm sorry, I- I didn't—"

"A ten and twelve year old boy should not have perished on that ship. Part of me doesn't even care that I lost my parents. I just want to know what happened to the boys."

.

Two boys were rescued off the ship that killed their parents, aged ten and twelve. Disoriented, they did not share their names, and were adopted by a wealthy family in New Hampshire. Both decided to search for their older brother in 1920, returning to their family home. But when they arrived, they found it abandoned and decided to move on with their lives for now, assuming their brother died in the Great War. Their brother returned to the house from his honeymoon, with me, just days later.

 

Georgia

One evening, shortly before bed, I thought of how everyone else got visitors except for me— well, Lucille didn’t count, but I was sure when her husband was alive he visited her, too. I had no one to come and see me.  My sister could’ve, but she was glad to be rid of the responsibility of looking after me. Nobody wanted me.

And honestly, as I stood up and looked at my reflection in the window, I didn’t blame them. I was ugly, and I didn’t want to take care of myself, either. Maybe if I was prettier, my family would want to take care of me. People do tend to pity people more if they’re attractive, you know. 

Margaret was pretty. Perhaps that’s why the staff talked to her so kindly and softly, and when referencing her, would say, “the poor dear” or something like that.

But when it came to me, everyone seemed a bit more harsh? Staff was a bit strict with Darcy, but still, most of them liked him and even joked with him from time to time. But with me, everyone was straight-faced, some rolled their eyes and none ever offered a word of comfort. Perhaps it was because I hadn’t been here very long. But that thought didn’t make me feel any better.

After what felt like hours of pacing like a pent-up lion at the zoo, my door swung open, and there was Teddy with the flashlight, making his rounds. He usually went home at six. I suppose he covered someone else’s shift. “What are you doin’ out of bed, huh?” He asked, shining the light on me.

“I can’t sleep.” I said quietly, shielding my face from the bright light.

“Can’t sleep? Do you want a pill?”

“No, no. I’ll go to sleep soon, I’m sure.” I winced when he flipped the light switch, effectively blinding me.

“What are you really up to in here?” He asked, appearing skeptic at the idea that I truly couldn’t sleep. 

“Just pacing, I swear.”

He started to search my room anyway, and there was nothing I could do about it. He found the photograph under my pillow and frowned. “You miss them, don’t you?”

“Very much.” 

“Well… I hear from Dr. Morris that there’s really nothing that can be done for you here, so you’ll probably get out soon. I mean, you haven’t acted out like what was described, so…” He put the photo on the nightstand. “Go to sleep, Yuuri.” He was startled to see how quickly I had started crying. My eyes are like faucets, and once I had thought up something particularly upsetting, there was no stopping those faucets from turning and flooding… “What’s the matter?”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. “I just realized it…”

“Realized what?”

“The reason why I’m here instead of closer to home. The reason no one wants to visit me.”

“And what is that?”

“Because no one wants to deal with me. Because no one loves me.”

***

I had to drag myself out of bed the next morning, flinching at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I looked even worse, because I hadn’t washed off my mascara yesterday and now it was smeared over half my face. I scrubbed it off vigorously and went to breakfast plain-faced and in my pajamas for once. I couldn’t force myself to eat more than a bite. 

Fortunately, after breakfast, it was time to meet with my doctor once again. I was much quieter this time. I didn’t talk to him about anything and he had to really press to get answers out of me. I could tell that frustrated him, being how well I’d done as of recent. 

Soon enough, the hour was up and Darcy was waiting outside for his turn, so he had to let me go. 

I retreated to my room in preparation to sleep the day away when I noticed that something had changed. In the place of my photograph on the nightstand rested a vase filled with two dozen small yellow carnations. Attached was a note (printed, so it wasn’t signed) that read:  _ thinking of you today.  _

Obviously it was Viktor. Someone must have told him about me crying the night before. Ugh.

I did find it weird that he didn’t sign it.

Within twenty minutes, Teddy poked his head in (he’d just arrived), and smiled brightly when he noticed the flowers. “Good afternoon, Yuuri! You have a phone call. You can sit in the booth for up to an hour.”

I was bored, so why not?

I sat down in the booth and picked up the phone. “I wonder who this is?”

“A man who is very sorry he hasn’t called sooner. But I know you’re probably quite bored and lonely at this point. I myself am… so I can’t imagine—”

“Who called you and made you call me?”

“Nobody. I was just thinking of you.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Darling, I miss you so much. Just last night I woke up and instinctively turned over to wrap my arms around you, only to find no one there. And my heart felt so empty. So I called around to find a florist in Atlanta and had the flowers ordered immediately; I had to send  _ something _ .”

“Mm… well, they do spruce up my boring room a little.”

“What would you like me to send now? Perhaps a new comforter set?”

“Why would I need a new one when there’s so many in our closet?”

“Ah, I suppose it would be of more comfort to have things from home. I’ll have one sent out today. Which color?”

“Dark blue, please.”

“Very well. I’ll get right to it.”

“Thanks, but… what I would really like for you to send is… yourself, and the children. I want visitors.”

“It will be over soon, Yuuri. Just hang in there.”

“You can say that because you’re not here. I am so lonely here. And- and I’m starting to suspect you only sent me here to be rid of me. Out of sight, out of mind, right? My sister hasn’t visited. My parents live here, too. And… and nobody cares…”

“That’s not true, baby, I care. Things weren’t supposed to happen this way, but I didn’t have a choice that night. I was afraid of what might happen if I left you there in that state, and your sister was clearly overwhelmed. I should’ve let you stay in New York, and I’m sorry for that.”

I didn’t know what to say, but my hands were starting to sweat. “When I lie in bed at night, I think about how little I’ve accomplished in my life, and how much time I’ve wasted… being upset over things out of my control. I don’t get that time back… it’s all gone now…”

“What time have you wasted, dear? And yes, we can’t change the past, but the future can always be changed. That’s the way I see it.”

“I don’t want to spend my future in a hospital when I am of good health.”

“But… you’re not.”

I didn’t respond for a long while.

“Yuuri?”

“There is something that they cannot treat here.” 

“What might that be?”

“I’m so lonely, and I long for something that no one here can give me…”

“Yuuri…”

“It’s you. I miss you, okay? I don’t  _ want  _ to miss you, but I do anyway! I’ve got the worst case of blue balls I’ve ever had!”

“Blue balls, huh? Well tell me, dearest… what would you do if I was to show up right now? I don’t think my presence would cure that.”

“You know what would.”

“Is anyone listening in on this call?”

“No.”

“Are you alone?”

“Yes… I’m in a booth.”

“I see… do you know what I would do if I was…”

.

Bedtime couldn’t come soon enough. But once it did, I stripped down into my underwear, crawled under the blanket, and pleasured myself time and time again until my sheets were soaking wet with my own spill. Every time someone would come in to check on me, I’d pretend I was asleep, then start back up again. 

Eventually, I was caught in the act. Staff’s flashlight wasn’t on when they initially opened the door, and I was literally orgasming so my eyes were shut and I—

“Yuuri.” They shined the light on me, and I jolted. “Please go to bed.”

I sat up quickly. “Umm… sorry, I must’ve been dreaming.”

They pulled back the sheets, and I quickly covered myself. They took a long look at the soaking sheets, sighed deeply, and then said, “Please get dressed. I’ll go get you some clean sheets and a sleeping pill.”

“I’m really sorry.” I yanked up my underwear. “Please don’t tell anybody about this. It won’t happen again!”

“Mm. Be right back.”

I’d never been so embarrassed in my  _ life _ , I tell you. I waited at the bedside for them to return with the sheets and was quick to offer my help with putting the sheets on and discarding the other ones. I took the pill without complaint and apologized profusely. 

They just shrugged. “It’s your cycle, I’m sure. No big deal. Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

Did I want to know what that meant? Probably not. But it was the last time I'd ever do something like that.

***

On a sunny Wednesday morning, Darcy burst into my room and announced we were all going out. While he waited on me to pick out what I was to wear, he caught sight of one of my pictures and studied it carefully for a while. “Say, what was it like, having a baby? Did it hurt as bad as they say it does?”

“Yeahhh…” I winced. “Just as bad, perhaps worse. I had my second on a sidewalk.”

“Shiiiit…”

“She weighed nine pounds.”

“Nope, nope, aaaand nope. I’m  _ never  _ doing that.”

“I have no idea why my children were so big at birth. Me and their father are tall, sure. But  _ nine pounds _ …”

“That’s like a turkey… I’m telling that to Dom next time he visits.”

“Does he want kids?”

“He’s open to it. He already has a daughter, who’s like 14 and lives with her mom in Maine. You can imagine how often he sees her.”

“Maybe it's a good thing he already has a child, then.”

“Do you think you’ll have more?”

“I did have more, and that ended poorly. I think two is a good number for us. Plus, my kids are so little, still. My oldest is six.” 

“Aww. You never really talk about them, so I didn’t want to ask.”

“Well, Nikolas is my son, that’s the six year old.” Darcy grinned. “And my younger child is Scarlett, she just turned three.”

I opened my dresser drawer and retrieved the picture of my children. When I did so, Darcy noticed my secret vial inside of an empty perfume bottle. The color gave it away. “What’s this?”

“Shh…” I covered it with a scarf. “It’s just contraceptives.”

“Shit, you  _ have  _ some? Can I get a bit of that? I’ve been nervous for  _ weeks  _ now without mine.”

“Ah… I have to use it sparingly, it was very expensive.”

“Please, your husband isn’t even here, and I think I…”

“What are you two doing?” I heard someone at the door, and slammed my drawer shut. “We’re leaving soon. Get dressed.”

Once we were alone, I said to him, “I’ve never seen you ask for the sanitary napkins. Darcy, is it possible that you might be…”

“Never mind that. Even if I was, there’s no way I’d stay that way for long.”

“It could be dangerous, especially if you don’t know how far along—“

“I don’t care. I’d stab it out of me if I had to.”

I bit my lip. “Oh…”

“Don’t act like you’re against abortions either, you’ve been taking those contraceptives for months, so you’re not exactly innocent yourself.”

“I’m not  _ against  _ them, per se. I just… if I was already pregnant, I wouldn’t try. I just use it as a morning-after—“

“You’re still potentially eliminating a pregnancy. You aren’t innocent.”

“I never said I was. I’m not going to judge anyone else’s actions. I’m just telling you what  _ I  _ would do.”

“Well, congratulations. Now give me the vial.”

“No. It’s the only one I have, and I won’t be here much longer.”

“I’m not doing this.” Darcy said in earnest, gripping my wrist. “ _ Please _ , I need it…”

“It cost me almost fifty dollars!” I stayed firm. “If I have another child, it could be very dangerous for my body and for the baby itself. But for you, it’s just because you’re selfish. You put yourself in the situation of pregnancy, so deal with the consequences.”

His face was serious. “Pardon me?”

“You  _ ask  _ for sex, you don’t  _ have  _ to have it with him. You  _ chose _ —”

“Shut your damn mouth, Yuuri!” Darcy snapped. “You think I  _ chose  _ to marry that rat? I was forced! I never wanted any of this!” He left my room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Despite our quarrel, he seemed fine with me when it was time to leave. 

.

Lucille, surprisingly, came along, as did Johanna. 

Darcy and I sat together in the large car, leaving poor Lucille to sit with Johanna. Darcy said that if he had to sit with Johanna, she’d probably have a stroke. 

When we arrived in a shopping district, Darcy and I were told to stay together and be back in the square by noon. We had no money, or so I thought, until Teddy explained our husbands allocated spending money. Darcy and I had quite a bit to spend. 

I asked Darcy if people tried running away when doing these outings, and he said the ones that are at risk for that are left with the staff. I guess Lucille tried before. 

We went into a small shop that sold hats and other accessories. Darcy bought a bracelet and I got a headband made of cloth.

Then, we ventured into every store on the block until my arms were tired from carrying so many bags. I got carried away.

I bought gifts for my children that I’d probably have to ship out unless I was to be released soon; outfits I thought would look perfect on them, toys they definitely didn’t need, and so on. 

Darcy bought a few things, but he seemed mostly interested in what I bought. He said he had too much already. I couldn’t confirm or deny that, I’d never been invited into his room before. 

We met up with everyone as instructed at noon, and then we sat down to eat at a small diner. Darcy and I chose a booth towards the back, near an emergency exit. He glanced around before whispering, “If they can’t find me, play dumb.”

“Huh?”

“I’m getting out of here. I have a cousin who works on the railroad. I’m gonna bunk with him.”

“Darcy, you can’t. You’ll… you’ll get caught!” I whispered sharply. 

“Lucille’s escaped three times and honestly could’ve gotten away with it if she was more with it. My cousin’s nearby. He has a car. If I make a run for it, they won’t catch me.”

“Darcy…”

“I’ll need you to cover for me.” He insisted. “Please. I can’t go back there. I can’t go home, either. I’m tired of being in a cage.”

“I’m sure you could—“

“No, Yuuri. Please, cover for me. Distract them…”

He was pleading, so serious, and I felt compelled to listen. So I stood up and walked over to the staff, where they sat with Lucille and Johanna. “Yes?” One of them asked. 

“Um…” I gripped my hands together. “I have a food allergy. And um… the menu is kind of hard to understand since I left my glasses back at the hospital. Could you help me? I don’t want to have a reaction…”

“Oh, I guess… what did you have in mind?”

“Well… much as I wish…” I bent over the table and leaned close to the menu, “I can’t have anything with nuts in it. Or… or peaches.”

“Peaches?” The male staff were staring. 

“No peaches. No nuts. It’s pretty simple.”

“Right, well, if I was to recommend anything…”

A group of people came through the back door, giving Darcy perfect timing to escape. But staff noticed within a minute. “Hey. Where’s Darcy?”

Everyone jolted into attention, and I had to look just as surprised as they were. 

“Were you covering for him?” Teddy demanded, grabbing my arm. “You knew, didn’t you?!”

“I didn’t know!” I insisted. “I really couldn’t read this menu, and…”

Two of them ran outside to look for Darcy, but I knew he was gone. He left his bags, too. I wondered how long he’d been planning this. 

Teddy grabbed me by the arm and yanked me towards the door. “This shit won’t play here, Nikiforov! That costs us money! Who’s gonna pay for it??”

.

Darcy was not found that day. I wondered if he ever would be. 

Staff was particularly unkind to me from that moment on, and I became increasingly unhappy. 

After two days, Mr. Atkins came by to question me about Darcy’s whereabouts. It was hard to play dumb. 

Mr. Atkins gripped my shoulders on the third day and shook them a little, demanding that I told him where Darcy went. I turned my head and stared out the window, knowing better than to betray Darcy’s trust. Plus, I’d probably be in more trouble if I said I knew where Darcy went. 

I just hoped Darcy was safe, wherever he was. I wondered why he didn’t just tell his husband he wanted to divorce, or why he hadn’t been released since there really seemed to be nothing wrong with him as far as I could see.

***

On Friday night, sometime between eleven fifteen and eleven forty-five, Darcy was brought back to the hospital. I heard him shouting at the staff as he struggled against their grip, cursing and going to town with the insults on each and every one of them. They didn’t take him to his room.

His behavior was so unusual. 

In the morning, he was out in the main area, smoking a cigarette on the couch. But the second he saw me, he turned bitter. He jumped over the couch and stormed towards me. “You snitched on me after you said you wouldn’t?! That’s some bullshit!”

“I-I didn’t!” I dodged the book perched on a shelf he hurled at me (this would be the second time I’d had a book thrown at me, and wouldn’t be the last), as he continued to pursue me. I had no idea who decided it was okay for him to be unsupervised during this little tantrum of his.

“So you’re gonna be a fuckin’ snitch, huh?! Then I’ll do the same! I’ll tell everyone about how you fucking jerk off in your room at night because your husband wants nothing to do with your fuckin’ whiny, needy ass!” He shoved me into the wall, and was finally held back by Teddy and another nurse. “I’ll tell them how your dumb ass tried to have a fucking abortion as evidenced by the vial hidden in your perfume bottle and _that’s_ the real reason you’re here! But the only thing you’re good at is being a pathetic, fake  _ bitch _ , Yuuri Katsuki! I hope you fucking kill yourself!”

“ _ Darcy _ , this is your last chance.” Teddy warned. I wondered why he didn’t stop him or take him away sooner. Maybe he was interested in what Darcy was saying...

“That pregnancy you tried to abort was probably  _ your  _ last chance too, Yuuri! But you couldn’t even resist fucking that up! Oh! Another thing you’re good at!” They finally started to drag him away from me. “Miscarriages! Miscarriages! Soooooo many miscarriages! At least  _ I—“  _ that was the last I heard of him before a door slammed shut down the corridor. 

I covered my mouth, expecting myself to start crying— but nothing came. No, I could only feel anger bubbling up in me from Darcy’s words— 

Because I had never told him I had miscarriages before. 

My doctor did. 

And the person who cleaned my sheets promised not to say anything about my little… accident, but I’d forgotten he was close with Darcy. How  _ dare  _ he. 

Fists clenched, I stalked back into my bedroom, closed the door, and stood in front of the wall. I slammed my fist into that wall, expecting nothing more than a lot of pain, but instead was met with a gaping hole.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to my doctor I may have some sort of insufficiency or infection which would explain my extreme fatigue as of recent. Once whatever's going on is treated I hope to write far better than I ever have.
> 
> Also, this fic is getting longer. I can't control myself lmao


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings: someone talks about getting sexually assaulted,  
> discussions about miscarriages  
> being robbed at gunpoint,  
> racists again

I sat on the ground by my door for a while, gripping onto my bruised hand and wondering how I’d become so stupid as to injure my own hand just because I was annoyed. I heard footsteps approach my door, and whoever was there just stood, like they weren’t sure they should knock. It wasn’t Darcy. This person’s steps were too light, too careful.

It didn’t take too long to figure out who it was. “I’m sorry I mistook you for someone else, that day after you arrived. And I’m sorry I threw my book at you.”

I scoffed. “It doesn’t matter, Lucille. Leave me alone.”

She stayed still. “Actually, there is… something I want to tell you. I think you will understand.”

Sighing, I allowed her into my room. She leaned back against the door. Today her long, dark hair was arranged into a difficult braid behind her. I assumed it must’ve been one of her good days. “What do you want to tell me?” I asked.

Lucille nodded to herself and met my eyes. “You said… well, Darcy said… you have miscarriages…?” She didn’t speak as properly as she had the night before Margaret left, but I knew she was being sincere. This was the real Lucille. “I’m not sure if it’s true, because Darcy lies—“

“It is true.”

“Oh, well… when he said it I just… I remembered…” her eyes filled with tears as she walked across the room and stared out the window at a member of staff smoking a cigarette in the garden. “I have had them too. Since I’ve been here, especially.”

I tensed, remembering her husband was dead and hardly visited before that. “How…” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“My doctor and the nurses. They… take advantage of me, when I’m… not feeling well, when I must be taken care of, that is when. I can’t say anything because when I initially take my medication I am too tired and weak to speak. My tongue feels like led. But… when I’m pregnant, I just lose the baby, every time. I don’t think my body can do it anymore. Maybe that’s a good thing.”

“ _Lucille_ , that isn’t- why didn’t you—“

“I have no one to report it to. So it doesn’t matter. No one will listen anyway. They think I’m crazy, you know. But I would never lie about something like this.”

I started to feel sick to my stomach.

“Margaret knew. Sometimes they’d touch her too, pretending it was accidental or deciding to search her for pills by patting her down. I suppose you boys wouldn’t experience those problems during your bath hour. Before… before you came, there was a patient… she died here. They said… they said she killed herself, but she was pregnant and tried to get rid of it. It ended up killing her. It’s all that happens to us here. They treat us like we’re nothing.” She sighed softly. “Until recently, you couldn’t imagine how desperately I wanted to go home. But now, I know I’ll always be here, until I manage to die. It’s a hard truth to accept. I just hope you won’t suffer the same fate.” She lingered by my family photo and smiled. “You have a beautiful family. You’re lucky for that.”

“Thank you.”

“This was mine.” Lucille opened her pocket and handed me a worn photograph, and I could see into her old life: she lived in a cookie-cutter neighborhood, she married just out of high school to a soldier she’d loved for years. They had the boy right away; with dark hair like his mother and father. The baby girl in Lucille’s arms had curly hair and the brightest smile. They looked very happy together. “It hurts thinking about how fast things fell apart. Within a year, I had no family at all.”

“I can’t begin to imagine how—”

“Don’t try to, it’s nothing I can explain.” She tucked the picture away and patted at her pocket. “My husband came around, at first, but then he slowly stopped. I met Lin, and he was the only reason I could stay alive. He protected me from being hurt by the other staff. And he promised he’d get me out of here. He said he was saving money and that he’d fallen in love with me… I wasn’t sure if I loved him, but I fell in love with the idea of forgetting, leaving all of this behind and being free. And then he left, and I’m still here. I always will be.”

I remembered what Darcy said about Lucille being sent elsewhere by the end of the year, but I couldn’t tell her that. There was much that Lucille should have known. I just wasn’t the person for the job. “What happened to your husband, Lucille?”

She shrugged. “I assume he moved on, found someone else. I cannot even remember the last I saw him.”

How had she forgotten so quickly what she discovered the moment Margaret left?

.

Staff discovered the hole I made in the wall after an hour or so. I got my hand wrapped up and was lectured about the fine that was going to be placed on my account.

I didn’t care. I just wanted to go home, especially after learning about the abuse inflicted on Lucille simply because she wouldn’t fight back. Her words, about how since Johanna insisted on private baths that Lucille was assaulted especially during the bath hour, haunted me. The moment I got out of there, I was going to make sure this place got shut down. No one deserved to go through that.

I had to see the doctor later in the day. We talked mostly about my anxiety, and he seemed quite bored with that. He was looking for something to hold against me. But I would never open up to him again after he betrayed my trust. Instead, I wanted to test a theory. We were talking about Darcy’s choice words towards me that morning, when I said, “Why _is_ Darcy really here, anyway? He seems like he’s fine.”

“He’s not. You think he really got on a train to go with his cousin? He lied. He is involved in prostitution. Addicted to it, is more like it. That, and drug and alcohol use, that’s why he’s here. He really can’t be tamed. This is the only place he’s safe. At home, he’d just run away.”

“Is it appropriate to tell me that? Isn’t there some sense of confidentiality?”

“Not as much as you think.”

***

One particularly stormy evening, after Johanna had declared herself too worn out and Darcy had made an appearance in the living room for his favorite 7:00 o’clock program, we were stuck alone.

He made himself comfortable on the couch, as far away from me as possible. While he listened to the commercials, he glanced at me and asked, “You leaving soon?”

“Mm… I think so. We’ll see.” I hugged a pillow close to my chest, focusing on embroidering a handkerchief; one of my new favorite pastimes. It kept me focused on something, so I could be distracted from what I was anxious about. I’d also been crocheting a lot, too.

“Me too, probably. Now that they think I’m trying to settle down, I had to lie and tell them I was expecting, that I left to try and get rid of it, and the cheap shit they gave me didn’t work. But it turns out, it isn’t a lie at all. Now I don’t know what to do. You’re the only one that knows.”

“You don’t plan on telling your husband?”

“I’m going to divorce him before the baby’s born, that’s for sure. But he won’t raise the kid. Not if it looks anything like me.”

“And you’re sure you don’t want it yourself?”

“I’m really sure. Look, I don’t… I don’t feel like I identify… as…”

“I understand.”

He looked appreciative. “And I don’t want anything to do with my feminine side. But if I must carry this baby to term, I know I won’t be able to love it like it deserves. I’m barely twenty and stuck in an arranged marriage, and when I’m divorced I’ll be penniless. I don’t want this life for them.”

I nodded. “Fair enough. Well, when it’s born, bring it to me. I’ll take care of it for you.”

Darcy elbowed me. “You _don’t_ mean that. After all the awful things I said to you, you’re just getting back at me, aren’t you…”

“No, I’m serious. We have too much room in our house anyway.”

Darcy pinched his lips together. “Well… we’ll see what happens.”

“I guess we will.”

***

On Saturday night, I received a phone call. To my surprise, it wasn’t Victor; but Yuri. He had yet to have any sort of contact with me thus far, and I worried something may have happened to my children or something…

“Hey. Do you know a Margaret?”

“Yes…?”

“Well, she’s here, and your stupid husband is making me stay in the main house until her sister comes from Michigan to pick her up! So now, 24 hours a day, I—“

I could not stop smiling and quite honestly didn’t listen to a word he said. “That’s… wonderful.”

“She was really scared when she got here with that butler guy, you know, the one that tried to get you arrested for murder and drop-kicked you while you were pregnant with Niky—but anyway Viktor assured her that no one would find her here. The question is, how _did_ she know to come here?”

“It may have been my doing.”

“The children love having her around so far, especially Scarlett, she loves the attention. I think Margaret’s too polite to say they’re annoying. It’s strange, how perfect she seems, and yet her husband still felt like he had reason to hurt her.”

“Ah…” something started in the back of my mind. A twinge of… some unpleasant emotion. “Well… good luck, Yuri. I hope you get my guesthouse back soon. Kindly remember that we were hospitable enough to let you stay seven years in there without rent in the first place.”

“Okay well, who’s the one that has been your full time nanny for the past—”

“Bye.” I hung up.

When Viktor didn’t call me on Sunday, I realized what that emotion I had ben feeling was.

_Jealousy._

Why? Rationally I knew Margaret was just a victim of abuse looking for a safe place to stay for a few days, that _I_ had invited her to.

But I thought about how much more agreeable she was with everyone, and there was no denying that she was beautiful. She was the kind of woman Viktor’s family would approve of, no— _adore_ , but that wasn’t all that was making me feel bad.

.

Some days passed, and I received neither a phone call nor any letters or gifts. My jealousy only increased. Was Margaret’s situation truly keeping him _that_ busy that he couldn’t give me a five-minute-phone call? He promised to call and write so much that the staff would get annoyed with him, but he’d hardly called at all and I’d yet to receive a proper letter, only my comforter as requested with a little note.

By Thursday night, my heart pounded in my chest, blood rushed to my ears, as I thought about pretty little Margaret taking my place, being the new mother of my children, while I stayed here until I died, just like Lucille. My, how Viktor’s family would approve of her. They’d love her sweet, pretty face and gentle, soft voice! And they’d say, “Good riddance!” Now that I’m gone! Why, I was positive I’d receive the divorce papers within a week!

My throat felt like it closed up, and I struggled to take even a breath as a wave of hot tears spilled down my cheeks. He promised he wouldn’t forget about me, but he did, didn’t he?

But it made sense that he would. I could give him nothing at all. In every situation, he did all the work, bent over backwards just to keep me calm, and never had a moment’s rest. Even when we had sex, there would be times we’d have to stop because I’d zone out and when I came back to reality I was so panicked and distraught that I didn’t recognize him or insisted he was hurting me and that everything was his fault—

Of course he wanted to be away from me, permanently!

(I thought of an example of this where, if I was in his situation, I'd throw me out into the street on the spot. We had gone to a film together in early March, and for the most part, everything was fine. That is, until, for some reason or another, I started to feel very upset, very closed in, and very panicked. We were still in his car parked by the theatre, and he was kissing me. When I came back to reality, for a brief moment I didn't recognize him at all. 

“Nngh… let go of me!” I had cried suddenly, pushing him up to get away from me. “ _Let go_ !” And I… I don’t know, I was desperate and I panicked. “ _Help! Someone, anyone! This man is kidnapping me! Help me!_ ”

“Shut up,” He groaned when I managed to scratch his arm, and I kicked the door open with my foot. He pulled it shut. “You’re out of your mind.”

“ _Help! Call the police! Anyone, please!!!_ ”

“Yuuri, what are you _doing_?! Why are you acting this way?”

As if he didn’t know. As if he didn’t see a thing wrong with what was happening, why he should never have tried to take me on this date in the first place. I started to laugh. Like this situation was as funny as a good _Ted Healy and His Stooges_ comedy act. “Isn’t it obvious? It’s because I don’t want to be here.”

“Well, you have to—”  
“And I don’t want you, either. I don’t want to ever see your face again.”

He looked grim. “That so?”

“Very much so. Why, I’ve got everything prepared. They’re offering me a job at a gentlemen’s club downtown, and they’re gonna call me _Eros_ , _enthraller of men_ . _Burden of Viktor Nikiforov_.” I spread my legs and lifted up the skirt of my frock.

“Yuuri—”

I flailed my arms. “ _They say he can take ten inches or more, so prepare yourselves, ladies and gentlemen! But don’t try to take him home, he isn’t the marrying type! Viktor Nikiforov, whom he burdens, says he’s exhausting! Viktor Nikiforov says he’s tired of him! Viktor Nikiforov says he cries too much, and Viktor Nikiforov says he needs to get over the death of his dear daughter! And Viktor Nikiforov knows he won’t get any better! Viktor Nikiforov isn’t even sure he can love him anymore!_ ” I laughed again, and then straddled his lap. Leaning in close, I whispered, “But do you know what _Yuuri Nikiforov_ says?” I kissed his ear, then shouted, “ _FUCK OFF_ ! _I WISH I NEVER MET YOU!_ ”

Viktor flinched, then pushed me off of him. He reached into his pocket. I knew what that meant.

“ _No_.”

“Take this tranquilizer.” He poured out two pills instead of one. “Take it and then shut your mouth. You don’t know what you’re saying right now and you’re going to make a fool of yourself.”

“No, you’re just embarrassed of me! It’s because I’m telling the truth! Does the medicine make you feel stronger than me? Is that why you want me drugged all the time?” I smacked his hand away. “If you try to make me take that shit, I’ll do something you really won’t like.” I don’t know why, but I was panting at this point. It could have been from all my shouting, but for some reason my body felt excited. “I'll kill you."

“Do you want to get locked up for life, Yuuri? Live in one of those hospitals until the day you die?"

“What makes you think you can force me to go?” I rasped.

“Like I said, if I determine you’re unstable.”

I covered my mouth to stifle a sob. “You hate me, don’t you? I really _am_ a burden on you..”

He gave me a long look. “No, baby, I never said—”

“It makes perfect sense.” I nodded to myself. “All I do is cry and keep you up all night and drain your wallets… no wonder you’re getting rid of me, no wonder you think you can’t love me anymore! I- I should do it for you…”)

I covered my mouth to keep my cries quiet as I slipped out of bed, gently holding our photograph, finger brushing over his face. “You’re- you’re gonna… leave me here, aren’t you? Why wouldn't you?” 

I could just see it, imagining how happy the both of them would be with each other, him and Margaret..… she could give them a better life than I could. I was going to _die_ alone in this damned…

 _Margaret Nikiforov_. Why, I could practically  _hear_ his aunts' words, how her name would sound when they spoke it.. Margaret Nikiforov sounded perfect. 

I don’t know why I fell over. It could’ve been because I was so distraught, or perhaps because I couldn’t breathe…

But when I fell, I somehow knocked over my nightstand, and my vase of carnations came crashing down, shattering everywhere.

***

“Mr. Nikiforov isn’t answering.”  
“You’ve called his office, as well?”  
“Yes…”  
“His private telephone?”  
“Yes, I’ve tried every number listed except for Yuuri’s sister.”

I stirred, and their conversation grew quiet. When I opened my eyes, I realized I wasn’t in my bedroom anymore, but judging by the lack of noise, was likely still in my ward somewhere. There had always been doors I’d never gone down, so…

“Well… we’ll send a telegram, and we’ll charge them an additional ten dollars for it. I must admit it’s strange he isn’t answering.”

“Maybe he is out of town…?”

“Maybe. But we haven’t heard from him at all this week, and he’s a few days late on the payment. I’m suspicious.”

“Well, in the meantime we’ll do what we can for Yuuri. But if Mr. Nikiforov gets two weeks behind on his payments, we’ll have to discharge him.”

_He’s abandoning me…_

.

“I wasn’t trying to harm myself.” I announced to my doctor when he came in to see me later that morning. “It was an accident.”

“An accident? What caused it?” He sat in a chair by my bed. “They say your vase shattered all over. Did you throw it?”

“No, it… it fell when I fell.”

“Why did _you_ fall?”

“I… I just collapsed, I was distraught.”

“Why?”

I swallowed. “A woman has come to stay at my house. And I haven’t heard from him since. Your staff can’t get a hold of him. You can imagine what I’m thinking, can’t you?”

“You think he’s having an affair with her. What reason would he have for that?”

“She’s pretty… his family would approve…”

“But he’s been married to you for almost ten years.”

“I’ve stressed him terribly this past year. I’m sure he’d enjoy a break from me with someone who makes him feel good about himself again.”

“Well, we don’t know any of this for a fact, do we?”

“No. But it makes sense.”

“So… you didn’t break the vase to harm yourself. You were so distraught at the idea of your husband cheating on you that you collapsed, knocking over your nightstand?”

I nodded.

“Very well. I can assure you, Yuuri, we’re doing all we can to get the message out to him to come see you." He gently rested his hand over mine. His eyes were very kind. "In the meantime, don’t worry too much, okay? No matter what happens, you’ll be alright.”

I don't know why my face felt so hot while I nodded. 

"No more glass in your room though." He said with a wink. "I'll see you tomorrow for your appointment."

***

I was allowed back into the main ward later that day. Even Johanna looked mildly concerned, but she minded her business. Her and I never spoke.   
“Hey there,” Darcy was the first to greet me, of course. He looked a little sickly today, himself. “Are you okay?”

I turned left, retreating into my room.

“Hey, What are you hiding out for?” He rounded the corner.

“ _Stay away from me_!” I pressed myself against the door to keep it shut. I don't know why I was suddenly angry with him again, since we'd technically spoken a few nights ago, but today was an off day for me.

“What’d _I_ do? It’s not like it’s _my_ fault Margaret turned into a slut and stole your husband!”

I covered my eyes, knowing well that if I lashed out again, it’d be strike three for me.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did, the other day. I’m really sorry. I know you never had an abortion. I was just mad at you because I thought you told on me. But now I know you didn’t and I feel really dumb for saying all that.”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, staring at the hole I made in the wall.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m grounded and I’m not allowed out of this building anymore.”

“Maybe that’s a _good_ thing, prostitute.” I replied.

He actually laughed. “A prostitute can do his job anytime, any _place._ Remember that, man.”

He sat on the ground outside my room and sighed. “I was kind of tipsy, by the way. Every time my husband comes, he brings alcohol. I've been stashing it. I’m an angry kind of drunk, sorry…”

.

I wasn’t able to eat that night, or the morning after. I was starting to feel really, really sick with worry. It wasn’t like Viktor to go this long without speaking to me. Deep down, I knew he wasn’t cheating on me. But it was the only explanation I could come up with, and I had just days left until they’d be forced to send me elsewhere, perhaps even downstairs, due to his lack of payment.

I found myself very sick just shy of twenty-four hours without eating…

Nauseated, I leaned back in the tub and tried to control my trembling body, but I wasn’t doing well. _He’s gone. He’s not coming back for me. I’m going to be stuck here forever…_

Darcy tried not to stare too much, but I could tell he was worried about me. “Hey Teddy—” I heard him say before I slipped underwater, unconscious.

.

When I woke up, Darcy was still with me. I was in my bed, cool rag against my head. “You had me so worried,” He said softly, studying my expression. “You know they’re doing everything they can to contact him, but… it’s not working. So this is my advice to you.” He glanced behind us to make sure no one was around and then whispered, “If _he’s_ going to be like that, leaving you here like you’re nothing, then do the same.”

“Huh…?”

“Get yourself out of here, that’s what I mean. The jewelry in your drawer alone is enough to get yourself on your feet. Or are you just going to stay in this cage forever, crying yourself to death?”

“I can’t… I can’t just _leave_.” I gulped. “I have to be discharged—”

“You will be discharged, to the bottom floor. Do you know what the men down there would do to someone like you? Right now, you’re too weak to defend yourself. Listen, I’ll help you. I know where you can go.”

“What if he comes for me still? What if this is all a big misunderstanding?” I tried to reason with him, with myself, but it wasn’t working on either side.

“Then sell your jewelry and go to New York yourself. See what’s going on. He can force you to come back here, of course, but at least you’d know.”

I thought about it all night. In the morning, I called our house, the office, and even his aunts upstate. No one answered. I felt like I really had no choice, and told Darcy I’d do what he said.

That afternoon, we were allowed out to the theatre. Darcy had to stay behind because of his previous behavior, but we knew it was the last time we’d be seeing each other for a while. I left a letter in my bedside drawer along with my favorite earrings, as they belonged to his mother. I gave Darcy the vial before I left. "You're really gonna do it, huh?"

"We'll see."

"You could always join the circus, you know. You'd make good money there."

I rolled my eyes. "I'll write."

.

“What film would you rather see? You’re the tiebreaker.” Teddy nudged me in the lobby of the theatre. I had been studying the exits, wondering when it would be best to make my escape. “Oh. Whichever Lucille wants.”

“Do you want anything to eat?”

“I’m fine.”

The theatre was dark. I sat in the back, towards the door. Teddy was on the opposite side, and Lucille was beside me.

About twenty minutes into the movie, I stood up. Teddy glanced at me. “What are you doing?”

“I- I have to go to the bathroom…”

“Wait a little while.” He said, shifting his attention back to the movie.

Another fifteen minutes in, Teddy’s eyes drooped shut, and I thought he was actually asleep. Lucille and Johanna were invested in the movie; some tragic lovestory. At this point in the film, the woman left her lover in the rain, and he’s all alone.

I didn’t stand fully up, but I slipped out of my seat. Lucille turned her head, and I raised a finger to my lips. She nodded, and I fled the theatre.

It was raining outside, and the cool air felt good on my flushed skin as I ran through the rain, down the streets I once roamed as a child, the corners I once sold vegetables on with my sister. I jumped onto a streetcar that took me in the opposite direction of the hospital, reminding myself that this was for the best. I had to find my way home.

***

Once it got dark, I went into a restaurant to get a bite to eat and to get out of the rain. I was able to eat more than I had in days, and felt a little better about my situation than I had in the previous days. According to Mari, our old house stood abandoned on a larger property, as my parents had moved out a few years ago to stay with other relatives. I could stay there the night, and then attempt to pawn my jewelry in the morning, buy my ticket, and go home. But I had to be careful. The hospital was likely going to turn all of Atlanta upside down looking for me, and there was no way I was going back. When a man who looked far too similar to Mr. Atkins entered the restaurant, I retreated out the back door, met with a dark alley, and to my horror, a man further down it, blocking the only exit. Just standing there. Like he was waiting for someone. Being the stupid person I am, I’d already shut the door, and it was locked. It could only be opened from the inside.

Gulping, I gripped onto the doorknob and stayed perfectly still, assuming he wasn’t going to bother me. But I was wrong. He started walking towards me.

Frantically, I tugged on the doorknob, praying that someone inside would let me in again. My back faced the stranger, and to my horror, I felt a large hand grip my shoulder.

I knew right then and there I was going to be murdered, but I wasn’t afraid.

He placed his other hand over mine on the doorknob, finger sliding over the diamond of my ring. I felt something hard press into my spine. “Don’t make this difficult, okay? Easy transaction.”

I nodded quickly, pressing my head against the door. _Please open please open please—_

He slid the ring off my finger and paused for a minute to examine it. “Is this real?”

“Y-Yes…”

“Good…” His fingers slid around my throat, and I wondered if he planned on snapping my neck. Instead, he tugged at the locket I wore, yanking it off. I heard him open it. “Are these your kids?”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “Yes, they’re waiting for me at home.”

“Well, you can keep this. I don’t want it. Turn around and let me look at you.”  
Did I have a choice?

His face was mostly covered so that he couldn’t be recognized, but he had bright green eyes. That was all I remembered about him. He cupped my cheeks, his fingers sliding up to touch at my earrings. “Why would you go out wearing all of this unless you wanted to be robbed? Do you have more?”

“N-No—” The object that had been pressed into my back made an appearance again, and he pressed it under my chin. It was a revolver. “I don’t, honestly! This is the last of the…”

"You think I believe that," He tipped my chin up with the gun, "when you choose to wear this much at once, it means you've got more at home. I wonder how much you'd be worth if I turned you in to Lombardi's..."

I raised my knee to his groin and struggled to get free, but he yanked me by my locket, dropping me to my knees. "You aren't a fighter. I could blow your head off in two seconds, so don't try it. Just tell me this. Are you what I think you are?" He started to remove my earrings.

"Nngh... I don't know what you're talking about!" I scooted backwards. "Just let me go!"

“ _You there. What are you doing_?” I heard a voice, and knew I would either be killed in a second or saved. I closed my eyes.

A lot happened at once.

When the bystander entered the alley, the man who had been stealing from me kicked me full force and fled with my jewelry. The bystander hurried to my side, and I could’ve sworn, once I was able to open my eyes, I was looking at someone far too familiar, and yet completely unfamiliar at the same time. I just knew those piercing blue eyes.

* * *

 

After a train ride that felt like it took double the time it had before, Viktor wanted to do nothing more than to sleep for about twenty years. But his children were excited to be in Atlanta and wanted to get to me as soon as they could. It surprised them greatly— it surprised Viktor, too— to be taking such a sudden trip. Of course, they planned on going within a week or two, but what pushed Viktor to go even sooner was his aunt and a comment she had made while himself, the children and her were attending a Barnum and Bailey show at the circus. Well, to be precise, it happened directly afterward. I never got the complete details, but apparently she started urging him to find someone else again and dared to make the slip comment that we never should've married at all because it ruined the children. He tensed visibly, then asked her how exactly the children were ruined. She was stroking Scarlett's thick, dark hair and refused to answer, but he knew. They were on their way to Atlanta that very night, with Viktor promising his aunt she wouldn't see the children again with her mindset.

The train was delayed twice due to heavy storms, and they stayed at hotels in both Virginia and South Carolina. So at this point, himself and the children were more than eager to be finished traveling, see me, and start their proper vacation.

However, when they arrived at the hospital and went up to my ward, they were met with the exact opposite of what they were expecting.

Darcy stared at Viktor, wide eyed, and then hurried into his room to stay out of the way. Teddy started wringing his hands and called for Dr. Morris, who looked just as surprised, and then just as nervous. “Mr Nikiforov,” He cleared his throat. “We- we have been attempting to contact you for over a week now regarding the status of—”  
“Yes, yes, but I was on my way here, and our trains were delayed. I’m sorry.” He smiled. “I asked my cousin to send the payments, but he must’ve forgot. He’s in Georgia on vacation himself."

“I see…” Dr. Morris glanced down at the children who stared at him expectantly. “Ah...would you mind… stepping into my office for a moment?”

“Is something wrong?” Viktor asked, not a trace of impatience in his voice. He was so oblivious. 

Scarlett let go of Viktor’s leg and tugged on the doctor’s lab-coat.  
“Oh, yes, little girl? Scarlett, I think?”  
“Where’s Mommy?” 

And Dr. Morris didn’t know what to do, because Viktor seemed to be wondering the same thing. He noticed that my door was open, and that I would’ve come out if I heard their voices. “He’s not here, is he?”

“We’ve tried calling everyone you’ve left the information for. We sent telegrams, too. It seems… he’s escaped, but- but don’t worry, Mr. Nikiforov, we’ll find him!”

.

Things didn’t go down very well at the hospital. Viktor was furious, at the staff and at himself, but he wanted his visit to be a surprise. He had no idea that I had suffered so much while he was away. He read the note I’d left in my dresser quickly and became overwhelmed. “He couldn’t have gotten too far by foot. He could be at his sister’s or parents’ house. Have you checked?”

“Well, no—” Teddy began.

“You haven’t checked _anywhere_ , have you?! And you still think I’m going to pay!”

"It was just yesterday evening! We've called his sister who told us that he isn't there, and what reason would she have to hide him!? The police are informed and that's about all we can do!" Teddy almost shouted. 

***

“Unbelievable.” Yuri had been vacationing by the coast of Georgia should he be needed by his stupid cousin, and came the moment he heard I’d escaped. He was glad to leave the vacation spot anyway; it was boring and too crowded.

The two of them now walked along a street while the children stayed with my sister, discussing the situation. “He only ran away because he thought you abandoned him for the girl that was at the house. And he has no idea that you’re here, because if he did, he’d come back. And he wouldn’t have run away at all if you weren’t an idiot and just told him that you were coming.”

“I wanted to surprise him.”

“That really backfired.”

Viktor shoved his hands into his pockets. “I need to get the message out to him somehow, that I’m here and we can talk this out. But how? Writing in the paper will just make the hospital find him faster than I can.”  
“Ask around. He would stick out, wouldn’t he?” Yuri froze in front of a pawn shop, mouth falling slack. “Stick out like… _that ring_ …”

Both of them, with their faces against the glass, confirmed that the ring and earrings in the pawn shop window were quite familiar. Family heirlooms, to be precise, and they hurried into the store. “Sir! Who brought in this jewelry?” Viktor demanded, hand over the glass counter.

The old man glanced at where they pointed. “Oh, those? They came a day or two ago from one of my regulars. A young man who said he inherited it.”

“Describe him.” Yuri assumed it was me, but...

“He’s about six-four, uh… brown hair, brown eyes? Goes by Sam?”

“Those are mine.” Viktor spoke quietly as he feared the worst for my safety now, and Yuri added, “To be specific, his mother, and later his spouse’s. We need to get those back. We’ll buy them, but it must’ve been stolen.”

“Oh God…”

“If he wanted the money, he’d pawn it himself." Yuri mused. He turned back to the old man. "Tell me, where does Sam hang out?”

“The restaurant at the end of the block. He doesn’t work there, but he lives in the apartment above it.”

“Alright, I’ll take care of him.” Yuri walked towards the door. “You pay for your stuff. This won’t take long.”

He did knock on Sam’s door. But the moment Sam opened it, he got his face punched in. He made the man give back all the money he’d gotten for the rings and promised the son of a bitch if he fucked with a member of his family again, he’d be dead.

But he searched the house and found that I wasn’t there. Sam swore he didn’t know where I went, but he saw a man hefting me into a car.

* * *

 

When I first woke up, I found myself in the back of a stranger's car speeding off to some unknown location. Choking back tears, I thought of how stupid it was for me to leave the hospital in the first place. This was worse than being killed in an alley, for who knew what would happen to me now? The driver seemed to notice my distress. In a soft voice and without turning around, he said, “Don’t worry. I’ll get you to someplace safe, I’m not trying to kidnap you. I couldn’t just leave you there.”

To me, he sounded so much like Viktor, and that was my only comfort. “Who are you..?” I asked.

He didn’t respond.

.

The man took me to a modestly sized townhome in the nicer part of town. I couldn’t see anyone else around.

He opened the door for me. “I’m staying with my fiancée’s family so they can approve of my marriage and all that.” He explained, “but they all went down to the coast for a few days, and my skin’s already sensitive enough as it is, I didn’t want to get burned.”

I nodded, still fearing my life.

“Hey, you don’t have to be afraid. I’m just going to let you use their telephone, and…”

“I have no one to call.” I told him.

He paused. “No one? Well… you can stay the night if you need to, I don’t think anyone would mind.”

“Who _are_ you?” I asked again, “Because I don’t want to stay with a complete stranger who won’t even tell me his name.”

“Please, come in. You can call me Alex.”

“Alex.” I repeated. “Okay…”

The house was dark, and Alex went around turning on all the lights. He made me wait in the parlor while he went to find me something to eat. When he came back and I saw him in the light, I realized just how much he looked like Viktor. You’d think they were siblings! “What’s your last name?” I asked.

“How about we talk about you first..” he set a cup of tea in front of me and a bland smelling bowl of soup. “What were you doing out all by yourself? I saw that man robbing you. Who gave you those things? And who are _they_?” He held up my locket, which was open and revealing the pictures inside. I quickly grabbed it from him and put it back on.

“They’re my children.” I began, “My husband bought it for me on my birthday last year. But he’s abandoned me now for a woman.”

“He sounds like a jerk.”

I bit my lip.

“Now… you’ve neglected one bit of information. Who exactly are you? Where are you from?” He asked.

“Well I _was_ Yuuri Nikiforov, but my real last name is Katsuki. I’m from Atlanta and after I married I moved to New York.”

I didn’t notice how shocked he looked before I even finished my first sentence, and now that I finished I could see it… that name was certainly familiar to him. “What?”

“ _Nikiforov_? Which one?”

“Why, do you know them? Just my luck.”

“ _Which one_?” He insisted excitedly.

“Viktor.” I folded my arms, leaning back against the stiff sofa. “Are you going to go tell on me now, because—“ I paused when Alex suddenly burst into tears. “What’s the matter with you?”

I don’t know how I could’ve been so oblivious, when it had been so obvious all along.

.

“I didn’t meet him until after the war,” I told him on my second cup of tea. “At that time he was working in Washington, D.C. under his mentor, Yakov Feltsman.”

“Washington, D.C…? We thought he was in New York."

“Well, he didn’t move back to New York until he married me. And quite honestly, I’m not sure how you didn’t know he was alive. He was involved in a murder trial in 1922. He went to jail for over three months.”

“He did _what_?”

“It’s a long story, but he’s innocent. He only took the blame to protect me and our son, as they were framing me the whole time. But still, it was all over the news. His business greatly suffered afterward.”

“It looks like we’ve missed quite a bit.” Alex looked at the pictures of my children in the locket. “I think they look more like you, really, but I can see the similarities. We never thought he’d settle down. That wasn’t like him. Last I saw him, he'd snuck out of his dorm one night, got drunk and went horseriding, then broke his leg. So you might imagine how surprising this is to me..."

“The war changed him. At least, that’s what he told me. Afterward, he wanted nothing more than to settle and forget.”

“I can imagine.” Alex yawned. “Well, it’s late. I’ll show you to the guest room. But, I need to make sure I can rely on you to do me a favor, first.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“If you do see him again, which you probably will, you must tell him about me, and about Dmitry. Tell him where we are and that we want to see him. Okay?”

“Yes, of course.”

***

The following morning, Alex’s future in-law’s and fiancee came back, and I knew that would put Alex in the uncomfortable situation of explaining why a stranger was sleeping in one of their beds. I stayed in the room until Alex came for me himself, with the family on tow. How uncomfortable! “Yuuri, this is Mr. and Mrs. Atkins. They own the mental health facility on the other side of town, and this is my fiancee, Abigail—”

 _Fucking shit._ I smiled, waiting for them to say that they were calling the hospital to have me escorted back. But I’d never seen the owners before, so perhaps they didn’t know who I was. Even after I shook everyone’s hands, they seemed absolutely unaware of who I was. It is astonishing how small of a world I lived in, that the owners of the mental institution were my brother-in-law's future in-laws. I was starting to wish I'd been shot in that alley.

I was invited by Mrs. Atkins to join everyone downstairs for breakfast, which I politely agreed to do, but requested a shower first. I know how terrible I looked and couldn't think of dining with these people in such a state.

What I didn’t know was while I showered, Mr. Atkins called his brother Dominic, asked him to confirm the name of Darcy’s friend from the hospital, and then called the hospital, telling them that I’d been found. They didn't take me until after breakfast, so I had no idea what was coming.

"So tell me, Yuuri," Mrs. Atkins said to me once I'd joined them in the dining room, "what brings you to Atlanta?"

Alex looked curious too, as he really had no idea why I was here, and wouldn't for quite some time after. He stayed in the dark, fortunately. 

"I am visiting family."

"Visiting family." She repeated. "Are you from Atlanta yourself?"

"Yes, I was born and raised here."

"As was I. What is your last name?"

"Nikiforov..." The food wasn't cooked well. I felt repulsed putting the shriveled excuse of a pancake in my mouth, but I had to be polite.  
"Well of course, but I meant before that." She tapped her fingers against the table impatiently.

"A name of no importance, I can assure you, Mrs. Atkins."

"Indeed... tell me, are you familiar with the Atkins Institution of which I am co-owner of?" Mr. Atkins interrupted.   
"I- I don't.. think so...?"

Alex appeared a bit puzzled as to why they were bringing it up, and I wished more than anything that he wouldn't have to find out the truth about me.  
"It's just that, well... you seem to match the description quite well of a patient who just went missing last night. Eh... your height, around your weight and body structure, same eye and hair color, and even... the same name."

I pinched my lips together.

"I told my staff that Yuuri Nikiforov would be far easier to find that Darcy Atkins was. They had to fight to get him back, really. He acts so ungrateful for my brother's favor."  
"His favor...?"  
"Taking him in despite all the negative repercussions that came with it."

There was no sense in hiding who I was when they already obviously knew. I took a deep breath. "I think Darcy's the one that's brave, you know... being sold by his parents as a  _child_ to some fat, old scumbag."

Alex and his fiancee paled, Mrs. Atkins' expression soured, but Mr. Atkins simply laughed. "A fat, old scumbag, huh? He would've been stuck working the fields behind my house with his cousins had it not been for my brother's generosity!"

"For your brother's generosity? More like your brother's perverted fetishes!"

Mr. Atkins sighed, as if this conversation was more of an inconvenience than anything else. "You know, I thought I was being quite considerate letting you into my facility, although your husband had to beg quite a bit and I charged him double what I did for the others... but maybe I'm too nice. Maybe you're evidence that I shouldn't keep you with the others."

"Your facility is shit. You can keep it." I pushed back and stood. "Sorry Alex, I've got to go."

I tried going outside, but it turned out, staff from the hospital were waiting for me, and I couldn't escape.

.

Viktor too was informed of the situation and agreed to wait at the hospital for my arrival. We’d have some things to discuss, apparently.

When I arrived, the anger inside of me was close to overflowing. I couldn’t _believe_ my fucking luck at this point. I was going to be stuck at this fucking stupid place for the rest of my life while Margaret fucking lived the life I was fucking supposed to fucking have—

I didn’t resist coming inside, though, not at first. That is, until I saw Viktor standing there. He looked upset, but also relieved, and he asked that I was let go of so he could talk to me. They released me, but both the staff stood blocking the door. Viktor pulled me into a tight hug and whispered, “Why did you do that, love?”

“Why are you _here_?” I pushed him away. “I ran away because I thought you left me for good! I got mugged in an alley because of you!”

“I wanted to surprise you, let me explain the situation to them, okay?”

“I… I want to go home! I want to go home!” I raised my voice. “I’ll stay in a hospital in New York, I don’t care just… don’t leave me here anymore!”

“Everything will be taken care of, darling. You would’ve been out by now had you not…” he pulled away. “There seems to have been a terrible misunderstanding of the situation.”

He placed his hand on the small of my back as we went upstairs to meet with my doctor, where he spun the elaborate story that I had to use the restroom during the film and was mugged at gunpoint. From there, I was taken by a stranger to recuperate at their home. I nodded, going along with the partial truth, hoping it’d get me out of there. It didn’t completely work.

Dr. Morris rubbed at his eyes. “Well, I really don’t know. I can’t trust that this story is legit, and I think the only way we can determine if he’s ready to leave is by keeping him here one more week, a few more days at the very least.”

My face fell, and he squeezed my hand. “So be it, but you must allow him to visit with the children.”

“Very well. We can do some activities, it would be good to study their interactions…”

.

Viktor walked me back to my room, where we had a few minute’s privacy. “You weren’t planning on finding me, were you? And what about this?” He revealed my wedding ring and earrings. “Planning on selling these?”

“You know I didn’t… but how did you–“

“I found them in a pawn shop.”

“I had no intention of getting mugged, I hope you realize that.”

“Of course, love. But you did have the intention of selling them.”

“Well… yes, and… and no… I was in a bad situation! I thought my husband left me for a woman! You wouldn’t answer, Yura wouldn’t answer, not even your aunts would! I had to find out what was going on!” I touched the locket around my neck. “But this, I would never sell. I almost lost it… I was so distraught, but my rescuer managed to save it for me. I was so relieved.” The locket had two photos inside. One of my children, and one of Viktor and me. It meant more to me than any diamond or accessory, and I kept it with me always.

Suddenly his lips were on mine, and I found myself being pushed into the sheets. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you..” I whispered against his lips, drinking him in.

“I should’ve stayed. I wanted to turn back so many times on the way home… I could hardly stand it. But at the same time…” He pulled away, cupping my cheeks. “I learned a valuable lesson. About how much you do for us, about how much we need you.”

I smiled, a genuine one this time, and leaned up to kiss him again, which he indulged me in. “And to think I thought you felt the opposite.”

“I didn’t tell you enough, not nearly enough, how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I wonder if I had, if you might have felt differently, if you wouldn’t have gotten so sick.”

“I don’t know.” I hugged his neck. “But it doesn’t matter. I really do feel a bit better, much better now that you’re here. I hardly got upset during my weeks here, and I’ve taken all my medications on time. They’ll release me sooner than we think, and… and I just want to relax after that.”

“Relax, how so? A lovely vacation at our lakehouse, perhaps?”

“Wouldn’t that be divine…” I grinned, “But actually, there’s someone I want you to meet first, and that might change all our plans.”

“Who is it?”

“You’ll see. I won’t tell you until I can get out of here, though.”

“Really? Is this my punishment for making you stay?” He leaned down and started to kiss at my collarbone. “I’ll wait, but if it’s someone important, wouldn’t it be better for me to—“

“I want to introduce you myself. Don’t worry, I think… I think they’re well aware of my situation.” I closed my eyes. “As embarrassing as it was.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still unwell; my test results came back pretty normal, but then I ended up sick, took antibiotics, which give me dizzy spells and other not-great things. so I apologize for my less-than-great writing in this chapter, and Vik's brother's underwhelming reaction. He'll be a bit more excited when the two actually meet.
> 
> Hopefully I'll be better by the next time I update.
> 
> Red


	5. Chapter 5

“I’m telling you, Dima, this person I saved from a mugging told me they were _married_ to a Viktor Nikiforov, and lived in New York. The picture confirmed it. It can’t _not_ be him, so it won’t be a waste to come.”

“I don’t know if I want to. It’s been so long and it’ll just be awkward.” Alex’s younger brother said quietly on the other end of the line. “We haven’t seen him in what, seventeen years? Much has changed. I got used to the idea of him being dead, and I’m sure it was the same for him.”

“But why _wouldn’t_ we meet him, at least one last time? I know it’s painful, Dima, but he’s _alive_. And I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t spend the rest of my life wondering where he is.”

“Then you go meet him. Tell me how he is now, if it’s worth it—”

“Dima, he won’t judge you for presenting as a beta.”

“But he knows what I _really_ —”

“I don’t think he’ll care, really. You worry too much, you know you do. Listen, we have an actual niece and nephew now, more family than we ever thought we would have again, and I really think if you’d just get over yourself a little, we could—”

“Maybe. But I have to have time to pack, to inform my job, all that. Give me a week. Where is he staying?”

“That’s the thing… I don’t… actually know? I mean, I know where Yuuri is, and he told me he’d contact me soon, but…”

“Well, this’ll take another seventeen years, won’t it? Just let me know when you have his address, I’ll come then.”

"Why are you being so snappy? You and I have been searching for him for  _years_ , and we finally—"

"Be _cause_ ," Alex could sense the bitterness already, " _we've_ been searching for him, but  _he_ hasn't made a single effort to contact us. You know why? Because I bet he doesn't want to share Dad's inheritance, he's hogging it for himself. Why else wouldn't he use some of that money to put out an ad or  _something_?"

"I don't know. But just because we didn't hear from him sooner doesn't mean he wasn't looking. Don't assume he stopped caring. According to Yuuri, he hasn't forgotten an ounce of his pain. I'm sure he'll be eager to meet us, but I need you on board for this, Dima. I can't do it alone, I just can't."

"We'll see."

.

“It’s a good thing you stayed quiet at the table, you know,” Abigail told her fiance when the two of them cleared the table after supper the evening after my fiasco. “Dad’s still fuming. _Fuming_ . He wants Yuuri Nikiforov discharged _immediately_.”

Alex shook his head. “If you ask me, it’s messed up that he made my brother pay double just because Yuuri’s Asian. That seems like a scam.”

“I can’t influence his decisions, but privately, I do agree with you on that. However, I don’t think Yuuri had any right to say what he did to my father…”

“Well, I don’t know the situation well enough to comment on that. No matter what, I’m so thankful that I came across him, I cannot even begin to describe how both excited and nervous I am at the possibility of…” Alex's voice broke, and she put a hand on his arm. “I’ve just… I never thought…”

“I know, Alex, and it’s incredible that you’ve gotten this opportunity. I certainly won’t stand in your way. I just advise you not to talk about it around my father, okay?”

* * *

 

“Mommy!!!” Scarlett barrelled down the hallway, nearly toppling me over when she crashed into my legs. I bent to hug her tight. “I can’t believe you’re here!” The very day after I was taken back to the hospital, Dr. Morris held up his promise and allowed me three whole hours with my children, unsupervised and unlimited. We could do whatever we wanted and not feel like a bunch of lab rats. I was very appreciative of that.

“I can’t believe _you’re_ here. What a surprise!”

“I got you something.” She skipped over to Viktor to take a folded card from him. “I made it all by my own.”

I opened the card where I identified some sort of potato family drawn with various crayons. The smallest potato was hugging the biggest, and both had black hair. I looked down at her, where she gazed at me expectantly. “I love it.”

“Really?”

“It’s perfect.” My voice caught in my throat. I guess because it had been so long, I’d forgotten what she looked like, to some extent. And God was she beautiful. I can’t believe Viktor and I made something so perfect. We certainly had some good looking babies, if that counted for anything.

“Well, mine’s better.” Nikolas pushed her out of the way. “Look. I wrote it all by myself!”

“I love that too. And I love you.” Why was I getting so emotional? Suddenly, I was crying and hugging my six year old son, who fortunately wasn’t old enough yet to be embarrassed of that. He was, however, surprised, and a bit upset at the fact that _I_ was upset. He tried to look tough, though. “Why are you upset? Did something happen?”

“No, I’m just… so happy to see you again.” I pulled back. “I swear you’ve gotten bigger. Hasn’t he gotten bigger?”

“I haven’t gotten bigger, I’m still six.” He smiled, and it was then I noticed he was missing one of his front teeth. “You lost a tooth! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It happened on the train. I hit my mouth on a table, and it came right out. I still have it…”  
“Ooh, did it hurt? How much did it bleed?”

Scarlett was frustrated at the lack of attention she was receiving. To her, I barely acknowledged her card, and now I was doting on her older brother while abandoning her.

Amidst her frustration, she ripped the card in half and scrunched it up. “Daddy, I want to go home now! I don’t wanna be here anymore!”

Viktor crouched to her level. “Why? We just got here.”

“‘Cause this is _stupid_!” She stomped her foot. “It is very hot and no fun at all!”

“Very hot, huh?” I stood. “You know… there _is_ a swimming pool outside. Maybe that would help cool us all off? Didn’t Daddy mention something about needing to bring your swimming suits today…?”

Her eyes lit up, but she still tried to look upset with me. “Only if you come too.”

“Sure. Let’s go get changed, and then we can all go for a swim.”

.

The early summer breeze was heavenly relief from the hot southern weather I’d been trapped in, and I reveled in it. I was sprawled out on a towel in my swimsuit, listening to my children’s laughter as they splashed around in the swimming pool with their father. They never would know exactly why I was there, to them I was just staying at a retreat center.

And they liked being there.

“Mommy look, I’m swimming!” Scarlett giggled, kicking her legs as Viktor guided her around the pool. “See me! I’m a mermaid!”  
  
“I see you, Scarlett!” I called, turning onto my stomach so I could see her better.

“Look out!” Nikolas jumped off the side of the pool, making a big splash. I was even splashed a little, but Scarlett got it worse. She rubbed at her eyes. “Niky! Daddy told you to _stop_ sp _lashing_!”

I was about to scold her for shouting, but then I remembered that this was the fourth time she’d been splashed and probably had a right to be upset. I sat up. “Nikolas, please come here.”

“Aw man.” He pushed himself out of the water and plopped down beside me, already knowing he was in trouble. “Yeah?”

“Didn’t Daddy already talk to you about splashing your sister?” I rested a hand under my chin. “You aren’t listening well today.”

“Scarlett’s just being a baby, I didn’t even—”

“Ah-ah… sit beside me for a few minutes, and then maybe you can go back in the pool. I don’t like your tone, and I want you to think about the way you’re talking to me, and maybe change that before you try talking to me again.”

He crossed his arms, but he knew better to say anything else. “Now I’m going to go swim for a spell..”

And with that, I climbed into the water beside my husband. “I’ll take her now, if you’re ready to get out.”

“I’m fine for now.”

“Swim with me!” Scarlett reached for me, and I held her. “I want you to be a mermaid too!”

“I’m no mermaid.” I sank lower so that just our heads were above the water. “I’m a _seawitch_ , and I’m here to capture the mermaid princess!” I exclaimed, tickling her. She shrieked with laughter and pretended to struggle against me. “Noooo~! Mommy— I mean— Seawitch! You can’t take me! I have magic powers!”

“Magic powers? Hah! Your powers are nothing against mine!”

Scarlett laughed. Instead of continuing our game, she surprised me by hugging my neck and resting her head on my shoulder. “I love you…”

I didn’t know what I wanted to say to that, but I knew what she needed to hear in that moment. It was something me and my doctor had talked about time and again, but this was the first time I could put it into practice. “I love you too, Scarlett.”

.

“When are you coming back next?” Scarlett was asleep on her towel, and Nikolas wasn’t far from it. I sat close to Viktor, his arm around me as we leaned back against a tree.

“As soon as they’ll allow us. But I think you’re getting discharged on Friday.

“I can’t wait… it’ll be hard sleeping tonight.”

***

The next morning at the time of my usual appointment with Dr. Morris, Viktor met me in the hallway, alone. “Hey…”

“Hey, what are you—”

Viktor shrugged. “Your doctor asked me to be here today.”  
  
“Oh God, not this again,” I debated going back into my room. “I’m not going to let you listen in on my appointment. This is a time when I get to—”

“Ah, wonderful, you’re both here.” Dr. Morris’ bright smile temporarily lifted my mood. “I’m sure you both have questions. Please, step into my office. We’re trying something new today.”

Viktor let me lead him in and was quick to sit down on the nearest chair. I sat beside him.

“I’ve been working with Yuuri for a few weeks now, and we’ve talked about lots of different situations and problems, but how can I be sure any sort of conflict is solved that involves another person? Wouldn’t it be interesting to see what might happen, hosting a therapy session for _two_ people who have communication issues? That’s my theory. So today, we’re going to talk about the two of you. Odds are, I’m going to ignite an argument. And then, we’re going to use some tools of mine to solve that argument, if possible.”

“Oh goody…” I rolled my eyes. “I can’t wait.”  
“Neither can I. Now, Viktor, can you please come sit by Yuuri? Thank you. So… tell me, Viktor, how long were you two dating before you got engaged?”

  
“Ehhh… well, you see… it’s a little complicated…?”

“What about, how long were you engaged before you got married?” Dr. Morris asked again.

“Two days if we’re being generous.” I replied for him, taking off my wedding ring to play with it, to keep myself occupied.

“Well, yes, but we both knew we wanted to elope immediately.”

“Why was that? Was there something wrong with having an engagement to get to know each other properly?”

“No, there was nothing wrong with that. We just… didn’t want to wait.”  
“But you hardly knew him at all. I daresay you didn’t even know his maiden name at the time.”

“That’s not true at all.” Viktor folded his arms, visibly uncomfortable. “What are you getting at, anyway?”

“I’m _getting at_ the fact that the two of you rushed into marriage, never having the time to establish proper trust and love, and have never properly communicated your feelings and opinions. I think all you do, Mr. Nikiforov, Yuuri, is have sex and travel. The truth is, you hardly know each other at all. Tragedies have held you together, and that’s all you have.”

I blushed. “Dr. Morris! You promised you wouldn’t—”

“ _Yuuri_ — you talk to this guy about our sex life? If you- if you weren’t satisfied, why didn’t you—”

“I never said I wasn’t satisfied! I just don’t like that that’s _all_ we can do to feel intimate!” Could things get much worse? Probably not.

“What do you mean by that?” He scooted away from me, just slightly, but it was enough for me to get the point.

“When either of us is upset and near a bed— be it angry or sad or scared, we… you know! We never talk things out. You always just tell me that everything’s going to be okay. You hate it when I talk to you about the baby or- or anything else!”  
“Because that’s all you _ever_ talk about. I don’t want you stuck on that for too long. You were miserable enough as it was. Why shouldn’t I have wanted to cheer you up in some way?”

“There are other ways to cheer me up!” I covered my face. His face was beet red, too.

“Okay, like what? Because the last time I checked, you do the same for me, and…”

“How about… and hear me out on this—” Dr. Morris peered at us from his desk, “You… _talk_? Talk about the problem. What part of it upsets you? How can it be fixed? What would you need to feel better in the moment if the problem can’t be immediately fixed?”

I turned to Viktor. “It really hurt me when you never talked about how you were feeling, after the baby… you shut me out.”

“You were going through enough, why should I want to burden you even more?”

“Well… you didn’t know if that was going to be a burden or not. You might have made me feel better if I was able to realize that I wasn’t alone in how I was feeling.”

He nodded. “You’re right. I should’ve asked..”

“Yes, you should’ve. But also, I think that’s your way of getting through our hardships. Brushing them off, not acknowledging them to try and forget.”

Viktor met my eyes. “I’ve lost so much already. I guess I’m used to keeping it to myself.”

“You don’t have to. I’m here for you.” I said softly. “You know I always have been. I want to help you feel better in anyway I can.”

“And I feel the same way about you. I just want you to be happy.”

“I _can_ be happy if you just talk to me. Or, at least I can try.”

Viktor took a deep breath. “I detached from her, once she got sick. I thought it’d hurt less. It didn’t hurt less, but it was easier than having to watch her… and you suffer. And after her death, I just felt numb. I wanted anything that reminded me of her gone. That’s why I was so frustrated that you couldn’t feel the same, but why should you have felt that? She was your baby, you carried her for nine months and never left her side after she was born.”

I didn’t say anything, nor did the doctor. We kept listening.

“We’re well off. I thought, if any of our children became ill, we could heal them easily. It helped me rest easier at night with that knowledge. And then- and then this happened, and now I… now I don’t know what to think anymore.”

I touched his shoulder, and he leaned into me. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Like I said, you were going through enough.”

“I think you need to promise me… from now on you’ll be open with me. When you’re upset, you’ll come to me, and we’ll talk whatever it is out. I mean, how are our kids supposed to do in the future if they don’t have us to look up to?”

.

He walked me back to my room after we were done, and for a while we just sat there together on my bed. It was an eye-opener; we had much to work on and discuss. And today wouldn’t be our only session together. On top of another appointment later in the week before my discharge, I’d be seeing my children every single day before I went home.

But today was a good start.

After a while, I decided to tell him about Lucille.  He asked a few questions initially, but then he sat back and listened carefully, looking just as disgusted as I had been.

And when I finished, I asked him, “Could you do something for me?”

To which he responded, “You know I’d do anything for you. Just say the word and it’s done.”

“I want us to take responsibility of Lucille, just to find her someplace safe to live. Not a hospital, but… some sort of group home for older adult women? No men…”

“That’s something that’ll take time to look into…”

“I’ll help in whatever way I can, I just… the poor woman has suffered through so much, and I don’t want to see it happen again. She still has inheritance, hundreds of dollars of it which could contribute.”

“It will be done. I just don’t know how fast I can do it.”

“Well, I trust you’ll at least get started on it this week.”

“I will.”

When staff checks my room, they never knock. It’s a good thing that our little private time today wasn’t anything like it was last time, after I’d run away. We had less than five minutes alone, and he made sure to use that time well to remind me how much I’d been missed.

Today, though, was different. Neither of us really felt like we had to do anything. Still, when staff came, neither of us were ready to say goodbye…

But he promised he’d be back in the morning.

* * *

"Watch where you’re going, man," Yuri spat when his shoulder got bumped on a busy street in downtown Atlanta.  
"Sorry, sorry." The person wore a long jacket and a hat that covered all of his hair. All Yuri could see were his piercing blue eyes and face that looked like a younger version of Viktor. "I guess I'm a bit distracted! Did I hurt you?"

Yuri blinked. "Viktor?"

The name definitely was familiar to the man. "No, but do you know where I can find him? I've been looking everywhere, and I can't seem to find him or Yuuri..."

"Wait, are you... Dmitry or Alex?"

"You  _do_ know him! I'm Alex Nikiforov! Well, Miller technically, as I was adopted by Andrew and Evette Miller, but—"

"Wow, you look just like him, but you're somehow far less annoying..." Yuri sighed. "Truth is, Viktor's a little busy right now. Can I take a message?"

"I just really want to see him. Yuuri told me he'd introduce us, but then... he went to a mental facility? I know it's not my business to ask about that, but... I don't know how much longer I can wait."  
"Today, Viktor and Yuuri and their kids are all at the facility, so now's probably not a good time. But I can tell you where he's staying, and then I'll have him arrange a time..."

"Ah, so he is hospitalized." Alex blew out a breath. "In that case, I wouldn't want to stress him out. I'm staying with the Atkins' on Providence Avenue. Tell him when you feel it's a good time to do so."

And just like that, Alex was gone.

* * *

The doctors decided to observe me interact with my children the next time they visited. It was a rainy Tuesday afternoon and they had me sat with the children in the main visiting area with several pre-selected activities to choose from, depending what the children wanted to do. Darcy was also present, mostly because he was nosy, but also because they wanted to see the difference between Darcy’s interactions with a stranger’s children and my interaction with my own. I did not know about this.

For about two minutes after the children arrived, they did nothing but chatter to me about what they had gotten up to in Atlanta. Staff noted that I did tend to spend about 25% more attention on my son than my daughter during that time. Then again, she was three and her stories didn’t make as much sense. After that, they were introduced to Darcy, and the activities set out for them today. Scarlett was shy, and didn’t show too much immediate interest in playing with the toys or coloring or anything like that. Rather, she climbed up onto the couch and snuggled into my side. Staff noted I did seem a bit stiff, but I kept an arm around her, stroking her hair.

But she was three, and no matter how much she missed me, she couldn’t sit still for that long.

“Tell me about your daughter.” Dr. Morris whispered to Viktor. They were in the hallway, just out of my sight. “You said her birth was traumatic?”

“Yes, she was born outside the hospital. It embarrassed him, he had bad postpartum and didn’t want to interact with her.”

“So they were unable to bond during that period.”

“Yes…”

“And it has never gotten better?”

“He has admitted to me that he is unable to love her. That he feels there is something missing. He’s fond of her, but he doesn’t feel the same for her as he does for our son.”

After a little while, Scarlett found the brush and various hairpieces and decided to do my hair. I let her of course, sitting patiently while she put clips in various places in my hair. While she worked on me, I was also participating in a rather intense card game of _War_. But even during the game, I was able to continue interacting with my daughter, answering her questions and playing along with her game of being in a salon.

“Scarlett likes salons. She thinks getting her hair styled is the most exciting thing in the world. She often accompanied him to his appointments.” Viktor added.

“All done!” Scarlett declared, passing me a mirror.

“Wow… that’s… something.” I touched my hair, wincing at the amount of clips glued to my skull. “Thank you, Scarlett.”

She beamed. “Can you do mine?”

“Of course. How would you like it?”

“Like yours, Mommy.” She climbed into my lap, making me drop my playing cards. “Ah…”

“S-Sorry, Mommy!”

I paused and took a deep breath. “It’s okay, Scarlett. I know it was an accident.” Warily, I look at Darcy. “I guess I’m out of the game now. Sorry, boys.”

“We can start it again.” Nikolas suggested. “I was losing anyways…”

I looked down at Scarlett, who was waiting patiently for me to start on her hair. “Maybe in a minute. I promised Scarlett I’d help her first.”

I gently combed her hair and then carefully pinned it up the same way mine was, adding a bow and a few clips at her instruction. She turned around to face me, eyes bright. “Now I look just like you, Mommy!”

My smile faded. _I don’t want you to be anything like me._ “Yeah…” I shifted my attention to my son to distract myself from that thought. “Do you want to play again? We could do something else, too, if you want.”

“Well…” he glanced between me and Scarlett. “Maybe the three of us could do something at the same time. There’s a puzzle here, and…”

“I’m not sure Scarlett could solve a puzzle.”

“She could try.” He insisted. “And we could help her.”

“Puzzles are hardly an acceptable activity for a three year old.” I heard whispering, and when I turned my head I saw three doctors and Victor and they were talking about me, looking unhappy. One was writing something down. I realized they’d been there the whole time. “S-stop looking at me!” I exclaimed. “What am I to you, some lab rat in a science experiment?!” I guess I was just embarrassed that my every move was being judged. They'd assume that me refusing to build a puzzle with my daughter meant I didn't love her as much. It felt awful.

I stood up quickly, setting Scarlett on the floor, and I stormed towards the hallway leading to my room, tearing the clips and pins from my hair.

“Yuuri, wait—“ Viktor grabbed my arm. "Keep playing with them, they've missed you—"

I clenched my fists, stopping only for a moment. “You told them everything, didn’t you? How could you?? They’re not interested in letting me see my children. They want to see how bad of a mother I am! And you- you let them!”

Viktor tried to take my hand, but I swatted him away. “I don’t want to talk to you right now! I'm sick of this!"

***

Darcy came to my door later, too hesitant to come in. I was laying on my bed, facing the wall. “Yuuri, I—“

“Leave me alone.”

He sighed. “Listen, I didn’t think you were going to be upset.  I thought you knew—“

“You were in on it this whole time. And you didn’t think to tell me. There was no point in this other than to judge me. It was completely unfair. They never did that to _Lucille, or you,_ or Johanna or Margaret. Just me.”

“Well, your problems stem from the birth of Scarlett—“

“What would you know about what I went through?! I never told you anything about that! It’s a private situation, Darcy! Now go away!!”

 

***

“Good morning, Yuuri.” Dr. Morris ushered me into his office the following morning.

I sat on the duvet, my usual place, and he went to his desk. There were a lot of papers stacked on it today. I wondered if he got tired of dealing with me when he had other, important people to attend to. “Let’s talk about yesterday.”

“Somehow I knew you’d say that.”

He chuckled, putting on his round glasses. “Tell me your thoughts. Tell me how you felt, seeing your children again.”

“I was… pleased to see them. I miss them all the time.”

“How often did you have a chance to play with them at home, like you did yesterday?”

“Well… my son, he just started his education last fall, so I do not see him as much as I’d like. My daughter, we are together for most of the day. I take her with me everywhere, and—“

“But how often do you actually play with them?”

“I… I’m not very imaginative. Often times I don’t feel like sitting in on playing dolls. I have much to do, you know. A household to run…”

“I imagine things may be busy at times for you. You know, I’ve got three boys myself. The third is only a year old, and the older two are five, they’re twins. And every night when I get home from work, they’re quick to jump on me and show me what they’ve gotten up to today. They want to play. But I’m tired, of course. Still… I think, they’re only going to be this young once. How can I say no? How can I miss out on this?”

I bit my lip.

“Little Scarlett, she just turned three, yes?”

“Yes…”

“She’s tall for her age. And we were all talking about how much she looks like you. But we also notice how uncomfortable that fact makes you. Why?”

“I see myself in her so much, Dr. Morris. And I don’t like myself.”

He stood, sitting on the chair across from me instead. “Why? You’re beautiful.”

"I'm not. You know I'm not, everyone knows I'm not. And that's not why I don't like myself. It's because of what I've done, to my own life and hers. It makes me sick, thinking about how terrible I am to her. My daughter, Scarlett… she really wants to be like me.” I swallowed. “I’m her hero, somehow, though I don’t deserve it. She deserves someone better… a better mother. I can’t take care of her the way she needs to, and yet she still wants me…”

“Why can’t you be there for her?”

“There’s always been a disconnect. When I look at her, I feel guilty. Guilty for abandoning her, angry that she loves me still, heartbroken that I’m not a better mother. It hurts, being near her.”

“She needs you.”

“I know. Th-they all do, but I can’t… I can’t be there for them right now. Not like this. If… if no one else can take my place and be the mother she needs…”

“Then you’ll have to heal, step up yourself and fill that role. And you know that. You wanted her before she was born. What changed?” He wasn't eager to scribble down this information in his notes like he usually would. Instead, his full attention was on me, and he wouldn't stop staring. I couldn't avoid this conversation forever, so I caved.

“ _How_ she was born.” I replied. “I felt… disgusting. Like a circus attraction. Passerby’s got their eye full, none with pity. They liked what they saw, it’s all anyone talked about.” I blinked back tears. “I remember, sitting in my hospital room with her at my side and just looking at her and feeling nothing, and wondering _why_ … it wasn’t like that with her brother. I felt overwhelmed with love right away. Since I couldn’t with her, I… I just wanted her gone.

“One time… one time my husband yelled at me, he was so angry… Scarlett had fallen on a walk in Central Park, and was crying very hard. I told her to get up, that she was fine. She wanted me to hold her, but I told her no. And I kept walking. She followed, as blood streamed down her knee, stained through her stockings, arms up in hopes I’d carry her. She’d fallen on a shard of glass. Viktor saw what she’d fallen on, I didn’t. He thought I was just being inconsiderate. And when we got in the car after we’d taken care of it, he just yelled at me, right in front of the children. “You’re so inconsiderate with her care,” he’d said, “the hell’s the matter with you? Taking out your anger on a baby like that.” And I just… I felt so stupid in that moment, I can’t even tell you how awful I felt. But he was right. All my frustrations always are taken out on her. She doesn’t deserve that, or any of this.

“But what’s worse is, that night as her father and I tucked her in, big bandage prominent on her leg, it was…” I choked back a sob. “It was me she reached up for, it was me she hugged, and she said, ‘I love you, Mommy.’ Why?” I covered my mouth. “Why _should_ she? I’m terrible to her, I’m terrible to everyone who tries to get close to me! It’s just going to get her hurt, loving me! Why does she still do it?”

“Well she’s just a baby, Yuuri. It’s instinct for her to love you. She has since before she was born, and… if you can’t find it in you to love her right now, then… you just have to fake it for a while. Maybe one day it’ll seem real, but even if it doesn’t, at least you’ll be there for her. Put your feelings aside if need be... just give her the life she deserves. You have no idea how damaged she'll be if you don't."

 

“Hi, Mommy,” there was Scarlett skipping towards me that afternoon, without her brother. Wearing a casual sundress and her hair up in a bun like a ballerina. She jumped into my arms the second I opened them, and I hugged her tightly. “I’ve missed you. What have you been up to?”

She shrugged. “Just… playing.”

“Playing, huh?” I remembered what Dr. Morris said about faking my affections if need be, and, as wrong as that sounded, I was curious to see how that would work out. I carried her over to the sofa. “What do you want to do today, Scarlett? It’s lovely outside… do you want to play outside?”

She paused. “You… will come too?”

“Yes, there’s a lovely garden in the back. We could bring a few things out and have a picnic on the grass.”

Viktor came too, but Scarlett’s attention was only on me, and mine for her. She loved that. I’d never seen her so happy before.

Towards the end of the afternoon, she fell asleep in my lap while I read a book out loud that she’d picked out. Even when I saw a staff member standing by the back door, their sign that it was time for them to leave, I didn’t get up. She was comfortable, laying here, and I didn’t want to disturb her.

But they insisted. We had a schedule to abide by.

Scarlett cried for me when they left, but I had to stay strong.

.

Staff brought her back the following day after baths. They told me I might want to dress up a bit beforehand, but I didn’t do anything too special. I fixed my hair and wore a floral printed frock. Again, we were taken out into the garden, but this time, there was a man with a camera waiting for us. He posed Scarlett and I this way and that, and eventually took two separate photographs. Then, we were left alone for about an hour— and by alone, I mean, we were being observed from afar. And then she left.

The following time I visited my doctor— Thursday morning, he had the photos. He let me hold them and I looked at them for a long time.

“How do you feel, seeing you and her together?”

“I… I don’t know what I feel.” I began, “I can see how much she looks like me. She she looks very happy. Plus, I… suppose I don’t look too terrible in this photo.”

“Would you say you like the photo?”

“Yes, I suppose I do.”

“Well, we’re going to frame it. Keep it in your room, okay? But for now, let’s talk about Scarlett. Tell me about… her pregnancy. Was it a difficult one?”

“No, not really.” I leaned back against the sofa, touching the photo. “She was planned. I knew I was having a daughter right away… I hardly had any stressors, and we went on a lovely vacation in the weeks before her birth. I was very eager for her to be born.”

“And, while you recovered from her traumatic birth, tell me, who took care of her?”

“My husband’s cousin and aunt, mostly. I needed the break, I think. But also, I know that made things worse.”

“Who took care of your son after he was born?”

“Me. He was an easy baby. The two of us seldom left my bed. We just… rested. He clung onto me sometimes, it was so cute, and he never wanted to be held by anyone else, not even his father. It was just the two of us in our own little world.”

The doctor smirked, like I just exposed myself somehow. “And tell me, how was his behavior, during his toddler years, especially?”

“He has always been very well behaved. I’ve had no complaints.”

“But Scarlett just acts out for no reason.” He said with a knowing grin.

I appeared puzzled. “Well… yes. She’s raised under the same circumstances as her brother, but she acts far worse at times. She’s… much more emotional, frequently acts out for attention and breaks things and…”

“You just told me why she acts out, Yuuri. You haven’t realized it yourself, but it’s quite obvious. They _were_ raised differently, from the very beginning. Your son, with bonding and affection and plenty of attention. Your daughter was passed around by relatives, her feelings never considered by you, and often ignored. That is why she acts out. You know,” he removed his glasses, “her father tells me she’s been good as gold with him, all these weeks. It’s only when she is around you that she acts out. It’s because she wants your attention.”

“Why should she?” I interjected. “Why me? If I’m so terrible to her, and I can’t even love her, why should she want _my_ attention? Couldn’t she sense my feelings?”

“It is a child’s natural instinct to want affection and care from their mother. And you _do_ love her Yuuri, but it’s hard for you to admit, or even realize that.”

I know I do, deep down.

Why is it so hard to show it?

***

On Friday night, I was told that I'd be leaving Sunday morning; that I just had to attend a meeting discussing my treatment plan moving forward. I was excited, but also very nervous as there was no way of knowing how things were going to go once I was back out in the world. I might start having fits again the moment I walked out the door. Still, I had to remain hopeful that everything was going to be okay. We would be leaving Sunday afternoon for our lakehouse up north, but we probably wouldn't get there until Tuesday. From there, we were staying for at least two weeks. 

Saturday was awfully quiet. Darcy was told about my impending departure that morning, and from that moment on he seldom spoke at all. I felt bad, being that he probably wouldn't ever get out of here unless his husband decided on a divorce, and there was no one else here for him to really talk to, considering that Johanna was still repulsed by him and Lucille would only talk to me on occasion.

Saturday evening, he stood in my doorway, watching me pack after my successful meeting. Dr. Morris said he was confident I'd do better now, primarily because of a medication that he found worked very well for me, my new coping methods that included painting, writing, and exercise, and my strengthening relationship with Viktor and hopefully my children. 

I held up the frock I wore here as I debated whether or not to wear it tomorrow, in a world of my own. I was starting to complete my nervousness with excitement as my freedom got closer and closer. And I had to remind myself to call Alex that night, to tell him where we were going and encourage him to visit us. I couldn't forget to do that.   
"You know, I don't get it." Darcy tipped his head back against the doorframe.

"Get what?" I folded the frock and tucked it into my suitcase.

"How you're so happy to be going back into your cage. The very cage that made you come here in the first place."

"It's not a cage. Things are going to be different now, I can already tell."

He scoffed. "That's just what they say to get you complacent. So, what are your plans now? What's actually going to change?"  
I looked at him for a moment, unsure whether or not he was trying to be insulting or genuinely curious. "Look, my husband loves me, and we've been through worse. No matter what, we're going to make things work."

"I don't care how in love you are. You were in love when you got here, and that obviously didn't save you. His love can't save you. You have to save yourself, so stop thinking you can rely on him. He'll grow tired of you again, and you'll be miserable again."

"You're just bitter because you can't leave." I slammed my drawer shut and hastily folded the last of my underwear. "And I'm sorry that you can't. I'm sorry you were born into this life. But why should I have to feel guilty about leaving? You could leave too if you'd just learn to behave."

" _Behave_? Are you fucking with me? Look, Katsuki, not all of us are cool with spreading our legs to an old fat man and having babies until we die! I'm not going to throw my life away like you did!"

"I didn't throw my life away! I don't regret a moment of my life with Viktor! And I _know_ that without him, I wouldn't be here!"

"You're pathetic. You're such a damsel in distress, the fuck are you relying on someone so heavily for? This world is bitter and cruel, Yuuri. You know that more than  _anyone_... you need to have a better plan for the future! You—"

"Just  _shut up_! I'm gonna be  _fine_!"

He glared at me. "When have you ever been  _fine_!? Because it sounds to me like you've spent half your life crying!" Darcy slammed my door, and his too. I wondered what exactly he was so mad about. It's not like I wanted to stay here, or that things were better for me in the hospital than with my family. Maybe it was because he was lonely.

.

Viktor arrived at eight in the morning to get me. The children were waiting in the main hall downstairs.   
"You really look so much better," He said in a cheerful voice. "And I'm excited for our vacation now. I think we'll all really enjoy it."

I thought of the phone call I made the night before to Viktor's brother and hid a smile. "Me too, dear. Could you take my suitcase? I want to say goodbye to everyone."  
"Of course. I'll give you a few minutes while I speak with your doctor."

When I knocked on Darcy's door, he didn't answer. Still, since he would do the same for me, I came in anyway. He wasn't there. One of the bars from the window had been removed, the window was wide open, and... you can assume the rest.

I hoped he wouldn't be caught this time. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a little shorter than the usual, but I had to cut it off before the family reunion, which happens next time. See you then.
> 
>  
> 
> Clothing reference:  
> When the Nikiforov gang goes swimming, they're dressed similar to [this](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/01/Wallace_Reid_family_1920.jpg)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *"hey brother" by avicii noises*

I was lucky to not have to stick around when Mr. Atkins (Dominic Atkins, not the owner) got to the hospital. He was going to come that day anyway, but because Darcy had once again escaped, he came earlier. He was arguing with Teddy and Darcy’s doctor, a woman called Melissa Heart. Dr. Heart wasn’t around much as she mostly worked downstairs, but she still saw Darcy regularly to try and encourage him to accept his role in society and all that.

For a brief moment, I wondered why Mr. Atkins didn’t just take Darcy to another hospital, since he escaped so easily, but then I remembered that this was probably the only decent one he’d be allowed at in the whole country. 

Before I left, though, I said goodbye to Lucille and promised her that we’d be in touch soon, to not give up hope. I didn’t tell her that I planned on getting her out of there yet, because I didn’t want to install false hope since we were still looking for a home for her. Today was one of her bad days, and she hardly paid notice to me at all. 

Just as Mr. Atkins caught sight of me, Viktor pulled me into the corridor, and I was a free man. I had been there for just over five weeks, and it was now the second week of June. 

Everything was packed and ready to go for our vacation, but we had a few stops to make before we went anywhere. I told Viktor that we were meeting his cousin for breakfast downtown, which was partially true, but there would also be someone else there, and I couldn’t wait to see him and one of his siblings reunited. His youngest brother, unfortunately, would not be persuaded yet, but Alex told me that he had a rougher youth and was hardly interested in being around anyone, Alex included. I just hoped he’d come around someday, but I understood that he may need his space right now. His brothers were raised in a very strict household and spent their remaining childhood years primarily unhappy, whereas Viktor got to live a lavish lifestyle: vacations overseas, living in a huge mansion on the water, never spending a day with any worries. That was Dmitry's perspective anyway. We know better.

We were the first to arrive, and so I chose a booth by the window and ushered the children to sit beside me. “One of them can sit with me, you know,” Viktor picked up a menu and started skimming through it. “What do you want to get?”

"Um.. I'm not sure yet." I heard myself saying, but honestly, I was so nervous that I didn't think to speak at all, it just happened.  I saw Yuri walking towards the diner and the butterflies in my stomach went crazy… this was so exciting! I could hardly wait. “How about you…?”

The bell chimed, and Alex came in right behind Yuri.  __ It’s happening, it’s happening, it’s happening!  
  
"I'm not sure yet, either. I've never been here before."

"Right..." I bit my lip. Yuri lingered by the door, but Alex walked towards us. I could tell how nervous he was, but he had the bravery to stand right in front of our table.  
“Excuse me,” He cleared his throat. Viktor looked up. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I was supposed to meet my brother here? Have you seen him?”

The two of them stared at each other for a long moment. I wondered if he put it together yet, but then, Viktor laughed. “Are you kidding me? You look just like Uncle Max in that trenchcoat, did you think I wasn’t going to recognize you?"

Alex dipped his head, tears evident. “I didn’t want you to recognize me on the street.”

“I’d recognize you from a mile away.” Viktor pulled his younger brother into a hug, both all smiles. But I saw it. Viktor was facing me. His smile faded and his lips trembled as his eyes filled with tears. The same thing was going on on the other side, too. There were some voids that not even I could fill in his heart, but I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

.

We moved seats to a table where everyone had a bit of breathing room. Yuri and I sat at the end of the table with the children, and Viktor and his brother were on the other side, talking away. Alex told him the same story I’d gotten when I met him; where they went after getting to America, where they’d looked. Yuri and I didn’t want to interrupt. I would be surprised if they didn’t talk all day…

Then, they started talking about the war, and that was when I started to tune them out, because my part of the story was coming up soon after and I didn't want to be embarrassed. Viktor always exaggerates how we met. Sometimes, he includes a spotlight and heavenly music, it's dreadful.

“So, how was it? You were in that hospital for a long time.” Yuri asked once the food had been served. He didn’t order anything but water. These days, he hadn't been looking well. Even though we lived on the same property, we didn't speak often. Yuri led a very private life. So private, that I was shocked to find out he had once been involved in a gang. He never let his life interfere with ours, so I knew better than to ask him about what he had been up to.

“I was. It wasn’t too bad for me personally, but… staff there abused the women. Sometimes even impregnated them. The whole place should be shut down because of that.”

“Is it a state institution?”

“No, it’s owned privately by the Atkins family on Providence Avenue…”

"Providence Avenue..." He mumbled to himself, straightening up when he noticed how I was staring. "Well, I'll take note of that. It  _should_ be shut down, but where could all those crazy people go? There definitely isn't enough room elsewhere."

"I don't know. I just can't stand thinking about what those poor people have to endure. Many of them don't even get visited by family anymore. They're getting no better, cooped up in there."

"Then why don't you buy it out yourself then? Damn..." He shook his head. "You're all talk and no action. Always been that way."

I frowned at him. "You're certainly a ray of sunshine today, aren't you? What's the matter?"

Yuri rolled his eyes and joined Viktor and Alex's conversation. "Where are you vacationing with the family, baldy?" He nodded towards Viktor.

“Well, Yuuri and I are taking the children to Lake Marion in South Carolina; we have a house there.”

“I thought we were going to our lakehouse at Lake Champlain…” I interrupted.   
“Ah, but we want to enjoy the summer sun, don’t we? Plus, Marion is closer. I like going up to Champlain in the fall or early spring, don’t you?”

“I suppose you’re right.”

Alex gaped at us. I forgot that not everyone at this table had the kind of wealth we did. “How many houses do you have, anyway?” 

“Four. Our main home in New York, our New York lakehouse, our Cape Cod summer home that we usually rent out to vacationers, and of course, our South Carolina lakehouse.”

“How do you decide where to vacation?”

“It depends on what we’re in the mood for! Since we already live by the water, sometimes we want something calmer and secluded like our lakehouse. Also, there are people staying at our other vacation homes right now. It’s a good way to make a profit; investing in homes and overcharging tourists for them.”

“I wish I’d thought of that." Fortunately, Alex didn't mind our talk about wealth. His little brother, on the other hand, loathed rich people and would probably have started a debate on wealth distribution on the spot. "Right now, I just work here and there, but I’m about to land a big job in North Carolina— my fiancee introduced me to the right people. It’s a large bank in Charlotte, and I think it’ll really get my career started.”

“I wish you luck. When do you find out if you’re getting the job?” Viktor asked, wheels in his brain starting to turn. He knew everyone of importance in New York City. He could introduce Alex to the governor himself; make all sorts of recommendations, if his brother wanted.

“I go next week. Until then, I’m just staying with the Atkins.”

“You’re more than welcome to come with us! Marion isn’t too far from Charlotte.” I said as I was starting to feel uncomfortable with the glare Yuri was giving me for no apparent reason.

“Oh, that’s very kind of you, but I wouldn’t want to impose on your family vacation.”

“Nonsense. It’s fine, isn’t it, Viktor?”

“Of course it is.” He was kind of busy helping Nikolas clean up his spilled drink so he wasn’t actually listening to what I was asking, but even if he had, he wouldn’t have minded. 

“Maybe I’ll stop by for a day or two… we’ll see. I should probably contact Dima first.”

“Both of you are more than welcome. I’m looking forward to this vacation so very much.”

So was I, but for different reasons.

For him, he enjoyed the break from work.

For me, I was looking forward to getting my guts rearranged once the two of us were alone.

After breakfast was over, Viktor invited Alex to the hotel he was staying at so they could talk more while I took the children with Yuri to a film. They had a lot to catch up on.

After the film, I couldn’t help but to take the children shopping; they wanted hats for the beach. Yuri was especially patient, but I could see the miserable look in his eyes. “So… how are things with Otabek? I haven’t spoken to him in quite a while.”

“Business is booming for him in D.C.” Yuri picked up a pair of sunglasses. “He keeps asking me to be his business partner. I don’t think Viktor would have a business at all if I accepted.”

“It’s up to you. It’s not like you’re under contract, and many people would be willing to take your place. It’s something Chris has spoken of often.”

“In that case, I’ll probably make the move to Washington later this year. We’ll see.”

***

Kids aren’t easy. Even only having two of them can be a hassle when they’re young. Things were particularly difficult around the time Scarlett started walking. Nikolas was almost four. Both of them were up to no good pretty much all the time, and I don’t think I ever had a good night’s sleep.

Even now, they are difficult. Not because they’re necessarily bad behaved— it’s just… they do tend to bicker a lot, and they both have their needs, and I have mine…

Like the first morning at our lakehouse, when Viktor’s brother and Yuri were still with us. They were arguing over who got to sit next to Yuri, and then they started arguing over “hogging the syrup”. Then, Scarlett spilled her drink on Nikolas’ lap, so he threw one of his syrupy pancakes and it got in her hair…

I know Alex was thinking we were crazy, but outwardly he made it seem like all of this was amusing. “Do you want kids in the future? You won’t after staying with us.” Viktor lifted Scarlett, and carried her up towards the stairs.

The house wasn’t too large; it was designed like a cabin with multiple floors, dark colored and the entire interior was made of wood. There were four bedrooms, but the fourth was on the bottom floor and we never really used it until now. We always make the children share a room.

Viktor bathed Scarlett while I scrubbed the stains from our son’s pants. Nikolas sat in his room in time-out. I glanced at Viktor. “Having fun yet?”

“I guess they both woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

“Perhaps that’s just how they are  _ every  _ morning, my darling. I think you should get used to it.” 

“Do I look fazed?” He started to scrub shampoo into Scarlett’s hair. “My, your hair’s gotten long. Perhaps it’s time for a trimming.”

“ _ No _ .” I said firmly. “If we get that idea into her head, she’ll think she can cut her hair herself, and we don’t want that.” 

“True. But wouldn’t she look cute with hair just to her shoulders? She’d look even more like you than she already does.”

I reminded myself to stay calm. Taking a deep breath, I turned from the sink and smiled at Scarlett. “I think she’s perfect the way she is, don’t you?”

.

After both children were cleaned and apologized to each other, I offered to take them down to our neighbor’s stable. They rented horses out to tourists around the lake; and while our nearest neighbor was quite far down, quite a few people traveled to our spot for the animals. Fortunately, today, there weren’t any people there.

We weren’t planning on riding any yet— that was more of Viktor’s than mine. But they certainly didn’t mind petting them. 

“Can you ride horses as a job?” Nikolas stroked one of the miniature ponies in the pen outside the stable. 

“Yes… but don't you think you might want a different job?”

“No, I just want to be a horse rider.”

“Okay.”

“What do you wanna be?” He asked me.

“Me? When I was little I wanted to drive trains. I loved trains. When I turned seven, my dad gave me a toy train, and I kept it with me all the time…”

“What about now?”

“Well now…? I… I’m happy just taking care of you two.”

“But that’s not a real job. What  _ real job  _ do you want?”

“If I could have any job in the world, I’d still want to take care of you two. And maybe someday, when you’re all grown up, I’d like to be a nurse.”

“Then I wanna be a nurse too!” Scarlett hugged my leg. “What’s a nurse?”

“Nurses are like doctors. They take care of sick people, or newborn babies. Sometimes they help with check-ups, like the ones we go to by our house.”

“If they’re pretty much the same thing, then why don’t you be a doctor instead?” Nikolas asked without looking at me.

“You have to go to school for years to be a doctor. I was already a nurse, before you two were born. I took care of sick soldiers and also newborn babies.”

“Do you think there’ll ever be another war? ‘Cause if there is I wanna be a soldier, too. Then I can ride horses and fight at the same time.”

I thought about it. A war happening again, worse than the one we’d already endured. I thought about my sweet son, leaving me to fight, and potentially… to die. “There are many other jobs to think about.” I said hurriedly. “So maybe you won’t want to be a soldier when you grow up. It isn’t a fun job.”

“Daddy was a soldier.” He pointed out.

“I know Daddy was a soldier. He almost died, too. He was shot in the back and ever since he sometimes gets in a lot of pain because of it. I don’t want that happening to you.”

“But soldiers are heroes, and I wanna—”

“I  _ don’t  _ want that happening to you!” I repeated sternly. His smile faded.    
No one ever said parenting was easy. 

.

That afternoon while I was napping in one of the beach chairs by the water, Alex brought up a touchy subject while talking to Viktor. Fortunately, my children were in the water with Yuri, so they didn’t have to hear it.

“Uh… Viktor? Would you mind if I asked you a kind of… personal question?”

“I don’t mind, but I might not answer.” He winked. “What’s up?”

“Why… why was Yuuri in the hospital? Is he okay?”

“Oh, you knew about that…” Viktor glanced at me, and after assuming I was still asleep, said, “At the beginning of this year we… we had three children, but… our youngest, she was born with some sort of defect. She was always ill, she couldn’t keep much down… and she was incredibly pale. But it wasn’t whatever condition she had that killed her, it was influenza. She couldn’t fight it off, she was…three months old, I think? And… and obviously that just…”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry… and I’m really so sorry for your loss, of course he’d be upset from it.”

I started to feel sick to my stomach. We hadn’t really talked about her in private, and besides our conversation at the hospital, she hadn’t been brought up by either of us in a while. Now that she was, I felt awful. I started to picture her with us now; she’d be crawling, wearing a cute little hat, maybe smiling at me with a tooth or two…

I didn’t think I’d ever stop missing her. 

The conversation shifted to something else, and I took that time to pretend to wake up. Fortunately, the children came running up from the water, which gave me a chance to escape without notice.  I went into the house, locked the door and just  _ screamed.  _ I don’t know exactly why. I just wanted to be rid of the overwhelming emotions in me, I hated the feeling I had when I thought about her…

When I finished, I leaned up against the locked door and closed my eyes, taking several deep breaths.  _ I’m okay. I’m okay… _

Someone tried turning the handle on the back door, and I tensed. _Did they hear me?_ Was it one of the children trying to come inside, or worse, one of our guests? As quiet as possible, I tiptoed towards the stairs and just made it up the first three when the back door unlocked and swung open. I walked up the remaining stairs calmly and went into my room like nothing was wrong.

I prayed whoever it was didn’t hear me. When no one came into my room, I assumed that as fact. I took a half a pill to completely calm myself down, crawled under the covers, and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, Viktor was knelt at the bedside, looking at me expectantly. I jolted. “You were asleep, so I didn’t want to bother you. But still… are you alright? I thought I heard..”

“I’m fine.” 

“Yuuri…” he didn’t say it in a scolding tone, but rather… “You know I love you… and you know you can tell me anything…”

I squeezed his hand tight as I confessed, “I heard you talking about the baby. We hadn’t mentioned her in a while and I don’t know… I just felt overwhelmed with emotions. So I screamed. But I’m fine now.”

“But you weren’t fine then. We shouldn’t have talked about it around you, I’m sorry.”

“He was obviously curious about my hospitalization, and it would’ve seemed suspicious to keep quiet about it.”

“True… But still. It’s a sensitive subject, and we’re here to enjoy our vacation. I won’t do it again.”

“I keep thinking… the most ridiculous thing… I keep… having these cravings of certain things… like I really strongly feel the urge to breastfeed right now, even though we have no baby. I keep really wanting one, but it’d be stupid to make one now, as I won’t feel this way in a few weeks.”

“That’s… debatable. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to want a baby. Even if it isn’t a replacement, I know how much you love children.”

“That’s the thing… I- I’m terrified that it  _ is _ … and how selfish of an action is that! Replacing a baby I lost! Can you imagine what people would say? And I- I’d never be able to love that baby for who they are, just… for who I want them to be, just like that little baby at Mari’s house! I’m… I’m terrible—“

“No, you’re not.” He kissed the palm of my hand. “And if you are, than so am I. I want a baby, too. Maybe we shouldn't, maybe it is selfish. But I don’t care what anyone else thinks anymore. You want the truth? My family hates you. They keep trying to match me with someone else. You think I care how they feel? If I listened to them, I’d be in my grave right now. I think from now on, we should just do what feels right and forget the rest of the world.” He gently hugged me, and I held onto his every word, “And you will love it, you know you will…. Because you’re a wonderful mother and partner and I couldn’t ask for a better person to raise children with. So, if we do this, I know that it’ll be just fine. More than fine, really. As long as we’re together.”

“Then let's start now.”

***

It turns out that our conversation didn’t have to happen, for what we wanted was coming anyway after our quickie in my room at the hospital the week before. 

We didn’t know for sure until early July when I definitely missed a cycle, showed all the signs and my doctor confirmed it, and we decided to announce it to Viktor’s family on the Fourth of July. Alex would be there with his fiancée. 

I wasn’t even showing yet, but Viktor insisted I had a glow to me that only pregnant people did. And I knew it too, I knew it in my scent and how I felt. But most of all, I knew it in my morning sickness. 

Here’s how it went exactly:

The party wasn’t in Alex’s honor, but he was the center of attention. It was the first time many of them had seen him, and they went on and on at how well he turned out, how beautiful his fiancee was, and so on.

We weren’t trying to steal the well-deserved attention from him, but it was probably the last time we were going to see his family all together for a long while, as 1) I hated them, and 2) most of them lived farther away. Still, Viktor pulled his brother early on to ask if it was okay for us to make the announcement, and he said yes wholeheartedly.  But when we did make that announcement while everyone made their toasts, everyone thought we were being rude, stealing the spotlight and ruining their evening. Of course, they didn’t say so right away.

The only happy people besides myself and Viktor were his brother and Abigail, and Yuri, of course.

I excused myself shortly before the fireworks to go to the washroom, but Viktor’s aunt Elizaveta followed me into the house. She grabbed my arm just before I reached for the door, startling me to say the least! “What do you think you’re  _ doing _ , pulling a stunt like that? Have you no shame?” She hissed.

“I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure what you’re referring to…?”

“That heinous announcement! Do you think anyone here gives a damn if you decide to continue reproducing? This is Alex’s moment, not yours!”

“We… we  _ asked  _ Alex if—”

“In case you didn’t know, none of us want you here. If it were up to any of us, you wouldn’t be allowed to set foot on this property! It is only because Viktor  _ insists  _ that we put up with you at all!”

I dipped my head. “I’m glad you’ve told me this, Elizaveta. I’ll be sure to pass the message onto Viktor, Alex, and Yuri.”   


“What?”

“Unlike you and the other hens, not everyone feels that way about me. And I know for a fact that Viktor’s tolerance for your family’s comments are growing quite thin. This was all I needed to make sure he doesn’t bring us back here again. It’s a shame, too. Now, you’ll have nothing to gossip about.”

"Believe me, Yuuri Katsuki," She said my name as if she had a bad taste in her mouth, "If you were gone we would never stop celebrating."

I felt really nauseous after Elizaveta stalked away to tell the other hens about what I’d said. I was sure, in the future, the story would be told as if I said far worse things and Elizaveta had done nothing at all. I hated that about this life I was in almost more than anything else.

I wandered back to Viktor and Alex in the yard, who were deep in a conversation I wasn’t about to interrupt for long. I kissed Viktor’s cheek and told him I wasn’t feeling well, that I’d be in the car and for him not to hurry, I’ll be fine.

And then I stayed in the car for another forty minutes, mulling over Elizaveta’s words, watching the fireworks and the happy party before me. I’d never belong here. Not even my children belonged here, because surely, if they felt such a way about me, they had to at least feel half that way about them. I didn’t want them in that environment; I didn’t want them growing up hating half of what they were. I just couldn’t allow it.

.

On the quiet ride home (Nikolas and Scarlett were sound asleep against each other about five minutes down the road) I told Viktor what Elizaveta said to me in the house. His eyes stayed on the road, but his grip on the wheel was white knuckled. “I- I didn’t want to tell you during the party, since we already stole the attention away once. Plus, that would’ve made it awkward for Alex…”

“I almost wish you’d told me sooner. I would’ve told her right to her face what an asshole she is. But, as you know well… some people won’t budge on their hate for others. I’m sorry you had to endure it on my behalf.”

I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Maybe next time, I shouldn’t come.”

“No, there won’t be a next time. I won’t put you through that again, especially not any time soon. I wouldn’t want to stress you or the baby more than I already have. I haven’t told you, but Valeriya made a comment about Scarlett… it was pretty racist. This just seals the deal. We’ll just have our own parties from now on.”

.

In the morning, we talked to Alex about the party. He admitted he wasn’t a fan of Elizaveta either, but this put him in a difficult situation when it came to wedding invites. We encouraged him to invite whoever he wanted; we’d be there regardless. His wedding was still three months out, in Georgia. We would just stay for the wedding and be heading right back home so Viktor didn’t have to miss too much work. 

Halfway through the conversation, when Alex started talking about his future in-laws and their trouble finding Darcy Atkins, I came to a decision. “Darling, I just can’t see why we’d interrupt Alex’s big day with our children and myself, especially since Mr. Atkins, Elizaveta and I do not get along. Why don’t you go by yourself and represent us? I think it’d be easier on everyone.”

Both men looked at me, unsure what to say. “I do agree, somewhat, but I don’t agree for your reasons.” Viktor said slowly. “You don’t need to hide because of them.”

“I think it’d just be easier. Plus, now that we’re having another baby, all that wedding stress won’t be good for me. You’re fine with it, aren’t you, Alex?”

He shrugged. “The less drama, the better. Not that it’s your fault, of course.”

And so it was decided. 

October rolled around, and Viktor and the rest of the Nikiforovs left for Georgia to attend Alex’s wedding. I’d gone ahead and sent a wedding gift along two weeks ago to make up for my absence, which surely wouldn’t look good to them.

I had an excuse though, didn’t I?

At the time he left, I was twenty-two weeks along and tired 24/7.

Every pregnancy is different, but for me, I tend to start showing it around thirteen weeks. For Nikolas, I started getting wider around the middle at eleven weeks, but there wasn’t a visible bump for a few more, the same for Scarlett and even Rosaly. This baby followed the same path, but now there was a distinct bump so I didn't look as strange with my hand on my stomach anymore.

***

The morning after Viktor left, my good friend Isabella Leroy came to visit. She hadn’t been around much this year; her mother got sick over the winter and she went to stay with her until May, and then went back in July. She’s busy, with her four children all being older and far more energetic than mine, and our husbands don’t like each other, so we hardly talk. It was good to have someone to talk to.

We sat in my parlor with cups of tea— mine with ginger, since my morning sickness hadn’t taken kindly to me and decided not to leave— and she filled me in on what she’s been up to. I, of course, was expected to do the same. She already knew about Rosaly (who didn’t?) but I got to break the news that I was indeed pregnant, that Viktor reunited with one of his two brothers (the second was rumored to attend the wedding) and that I wasn’t speaking with Viktor’s side of the family.

“Did they react poorly to the pregnancy?”

“Yes. They think that this one’s just a replacement I’ll grow tired of, as if that’s all babies are.”

“What an awful thing to say to a person.” She shook her head. “Say, Jean told me there was a woman staying here early this summer. Additionally, he noticed her staying here while you were on vacation in South Carolina. Is she a friend?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t quite know who that would be… let me ask Sylvia.”

After Lydia left us last year, we hired Sylvia. She’s just as strict and quite honestly I don’t enjoy her presence. But she runs this house better than anyone, and she certainly wouldn’t let a stranger in. 

“Sylvia.” I walked into the kitchen. She’s already working on lunch. I’ve never caught her not working, and yet I hardly have to tell her what to do. She’s good at what she does. 

“Yes sir.”

“I have a question. Who stayed in this house while we were away in July?”

“Margaret Phillips, sir. She stayed here in May, as Mr. Nikiforov allowed.”

“Why did she come back?”

She shrugged. “She needed a place to stay, and since it was permitted before, we assumed she could stay again, sir.”

“You don’t get to make those kinds of decisions.”

“We did call, sir, no one answered.”

“How long did she stay?”

“A week, sir.”

“And then?”

“Then she left with a young man. Brown skin, curly dark hair…”

“ _ Darcy _ …”

“Yeah, that was his name. He stayed here too.”

“Silvia, one of my pocketbooks and necklace I bought at _Tiffany’s_ has been missing for two weeks now. I blamed it on Scarlett… I think one of them stole from me, or one of you.”

“I haven’t been up in your room, sir. No one goes in there.”

I massaged my temples. “From now on, no one is allowed in this house without my permission, or else whoever lets them in won’t have a job anymore. Are we clear on that?”

“Yes, sir.” And then, she was back to cooking. 

So I went back to Isabella, apologizing for the wait. She was all smiles still, she was so kind. “One of the ladies in the neighborhood is hosting a garden party on Tuesday. You should come, get yourself out of the house more.”

“I’d have to be invited.”

“I’ll run it by her, I’m sure she won’t mind! Everyone else has been invited, besides. She probably forgot you because you’ve been away for so long.”

“Right…”

There was one other person like me in our neighborhood. An old guy married to a middle aged alpha woman who pushed him around a lot. They had a son, they had him late in life. They aren’t friendly. Twice, the woman’s come over to tell my kids to shut up when they’re playing outside. 

The rest of the neighborhood never liked us either, except for Isabella. The women held events and parties and meetings and we were never invited, not even once. Sometimes during the summer, our neighbors across the street would host parties for the entire neighborhood, and we'd make direct eye contact, but they never said a word.

The year I first moved here, I was my friendliest, I asked to donate to their charities, to host things in our big empty house, to do anything I could to not be alone, and they ignored me. I don’t know how my reputation managed to get all the way to New York. But somehow, they just knew. And even though they didn’t like me, they certainly were always talking about me.  “I’ll tell Mrs. Jones you’re coming. It’ll be good for you.” Isabella continued.

“I wouldn’t want to rain on their parade.”

“You wouldn’t be! Please, I insist!”

One thing I don’t like about Isabella Leroy:

She was really naive. She didn't seem to notice  _ anything.  _

.

She came to my house on Tuesday morning to make sure I was ready. Moaning and groaning, I put on something presentable just to please her. My hair was long, past my shoulders now. But still, I pinned it up as if it was short. I wore a frock of navy color and a sheer material overtop, and one of my favorite hats. It was the only party outfit I could fit.  
She wore all pink, looking like an Easter egg.

I forgot to call a sitter, so I told Isabella I’d meet her over there in a half hour or so. She said if I wasn’t there by then she’d come get me herself. 

I forced myself to go to that garden party. I knew nobody wanted me there. I didn’t want to be there. But still, Isabella begged, and I had nothing better to do until my husband came home that night.  The conversation stopped when I came up to the front gate. I had a dish of basic sugar cookies Scarlett and I made together this morning with sprinkles on top, because I didn’t feel like cooking. 

Everyone stayed quiet. They wouldn't look at me. Of course. 

But not for long. I started hearing whispering, including words like _graveyard_ and _psychotic_ , as I suppose some people had to be reminded of exactly who I was. The neighborhood loony. My eyes welled up with tears before I could hear another sentence. No one would open the gate, and my hands were full. Where was Isabella?

I distinctly heard someone say something about my gender. It was a hot topic these days. While I’m legally allowed to be with Viktor, it had  become very uncommon for people like me to exist. However, normal men were starting to date. Openly. To avoid trouble, as that kind of relationship wasn't legal, one pretends to be like me. For the most part it worked, but since everyone knew they did this, now they doubted all same-sex relationships and shunned them, legal or not. Even though I had children and was pregnant now, it didn't matter to them. We were all the same. 

_ Unnatural _

“Excuse me, Mrs. Jones,” I said, voice shaking. She was the one hosting, so I figured she at least had to let me in.

She looked up at me with a tight, unfriendly smile. “Oh, I didn’t see you there.” She’d been looking at me for the whole time, saw how I couldn't open the gate on my own, saw how I sweated in this unusual heat. Yet, she didn't stand up. Her son was on a swing in the yard, giving me a disgusted look.

“Um...I’m just gonna leave this here. The smell is too bad. I’m.. I’m twenty-two weeks pregnant, you know, and lots of smells nauseate me. This one though, whew… it takes the cake.”

The women started sniffing the air, not smelling anything. 

“Smell? What smell?” Her cheeks were turning pink.

“Well, quite frankly, ma’am, it smells like shit over here. Not much you can do about it when it comes out of your mouth, though.”

I turned away and calmly walked the half block back to my house. I didn’t care about any of those people. The only thing I cared about in that moment was moving away from here as soon as possible. 

.

Viktor came home after we were all in bed, but he could sense that I was still awake. He knelt at the bedside and kissed my stomach. “Get into trouble these week, darling?”

I sighed. “Isabella tried dragging me to a garden party I’d never been invited to. They wouldn’t even let me in the gate.”

“Bitches.”

“I know. I didn’t want to come. She thought it’d be good for me to get out. She was wrong. I’m never going to fit in here, I never have. And I’m  _ fine with that.  _ I just can’t put up with our neighbors.”

“What do you suggest, love?” Now his lips moved up from my stomach to my chest, making me all splotchy and red. “God, I missed you.”

“I… I wanna move to a smaller house, in a nice little neighborhood. Closer to the school… and… and no staff. Just us as a family.”

“When do you want to do this?”

“Anytime before the baby is born.”

“Hmm… I suppose it can’t hurt to hire an agent and look at the options around here. I’ll get to that next month. Speaking of moving,” he flashed me a grin. “You know that ladies’ home we found in North Carolina? The one for your friend, Lucille?"

“Yes…?”

“I got her discharged over the weekend. She’s there now. We’ll check in every now and then, but her inheritance will last years there. They jacked up the prices at the hospital, and she had no idea. I made them refund her. And… she seemed really happy to be there. Everyone was very friendly with her, and there aren’t any men working there.”

_Lucille is away from that nightmare._ It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders as I no longer had to worry about her being hurt at that stupid hospital. I smiled. “That’s… that’s so wonderful. I’m so happy for her, I’m sure she was even more happy to finally leave.”

“You bet. Now you can stop worrying.”

 “Let me repay you. You’ve done much for me this weekend, and… I can see you’re a bit stressed.”

“Long ride home.” He rested beside me on his stomach as opposed to resting in my arms as he usually would. I guess the baby was kind of in the way now.

“Yeah?” I decided to sit on the back of his legs, rubbing his back. “What else?

“Had to put up with my aunts yapping… I hate what they say about my family. My kids. My husband. I feel powerless.”

“Because you know they’re wrong, but you can’t do a thing about it.”

“Mmhmm…” 

“When we move, let’s not tell them where. Start over. Me, you, our kids, and our new baby…”

“I like that. But I don’t want it too small, you know? We need space. Just not… this much space.”

.

In the morning, I go outside to take a walk before everyone wakes up. Whether I like the neighborhood or not, the view is beautiful and I’ve always loved the location.

But when I open my front door, there’s a plate of sugar cookies sitting there. Mine from yesterday, with a note in childish handwriting that read,  _ why don’t you take these back to your own country? :)  _ _ By the way, looked for the source of the smell. It isn’t shit, but it’s definitely coming from the graveyard.  _

There’s no way they’d have known, but it would’ve been my daughter’s first birthday. I walked to the gravesite anyway, my first time alone since before the hospital. I expected nothing to have changed, it wasn’t like Rosy was going to be sitting on the bench to surprise me and everything would be alright again. No, I knew I’d be met with the same old graveyard. But I was wrong. So wrong. 

I don’t know why anyone would do something like this to a baby’s grave. No sane person, no grown adult would, and I had to pray it wasn’t one of those women, because honest-to-God, I’d kill them.

Someone had taken a big baby doll dressed in white, like a baptism gown and hung it from the tree beside her grave, covered in dripping, red paint. The paint dripped down onto the headstone, where someone had written a slur in the red paint over where her name was. There was also a smashed cake. The flowers had been dug up and destroyed.

I didn’t know what to do at first, I felt myself stumble on the verge of breaking down completely, but then I ran all the way back to my house, grabbed the note, and hammered on Mrs. Jones’ door. I’d get her arrested if this was her. I was filled with so much hatred in that moment that I might've had the mind to strangle her with my bare hands if it was her. 

She answered the door herself, looking taken aback by my appearance. “ _What is this_?” My voice was hoarse, but I still managed to scream at her, “ _And what the_ _fuck did you do_ _to her grave!? Why would you do such a thing, she was a baby_!!”

Even though she was startled by my screaming, Mrs. Jones studied the paper, her eyes going wide like she recognized it. “Was anything else at your door?”

“The- the sugar cookies from yesterday, wouldn't you know! You destroyed her grave!"

That sealed the deal. “ _ Benjamin Michael _ !” I’d never heard such a shrill voice before. Then, a twelve year old boy appeared from the foyer, fearing his life. 

She dragged him by the ear to the graveyard, and I could hear her screaming at him from my house. When she rung the bell later, I ignored it. I didn't care if her son did it or not, someone was talking about it, someone told him, someone installed that hatred in his heart. She was partially responsible. 

.

I told Viktor about it over the phone and begged him to let me at least get out of town for a week or so before I lost it again. But because it was the middle of the school week, he said I couldn’t leave until Friday, the twenty-fifth. I’d come home the following Wednesday, October 30th. The children would come, too, but Viktor just for the weekend. 

When he came home from work, he went over to the Jones’, and I wondered if Benjamin Michael— the kid— was still alive at this point. There was no excuse for what he'd done, and I didn't hate the child for it, I hated his parents. Ever since Mr. Jones became part of the government, he began harboring a public hatred for Asians, for some reason. Before that, I thought he wasn't that bad of a guy. They taught their son to hate me, and now they had to deal with the consequences. Quite honestly, since they believed in what their son believed, I wasn't sure why they were mad at him.

According to Viktor, the parents begged him not to press charges; that they'd do anything to make amends. They didn't want to look bad. I couldn't think of a single person who'd care about what their son did.

For those last two days before my trip, I stayed holed up at home, refusing to answer the door as more and more people tried coming over, as if they suddenly cared. They were just trying to persuade me not to make the situation as serious as it was. They wanted to brush it off, sweep it under the rug. But I wouldn't talk to anyone, and now they were all living in fear.

On Friday morning, I went to the gravesite to see if they’d at least cleaned the stone off a bit. They’d done that and more. It was something I doubt a twelve-year-old boy could do on his own, but it didn’t matter now. 

There were fresh flowers. The whole plot was clean. There was a note in that same handwriting, apologizing for their actions, and I’m pretty sure there were tear stains on that note. 

But no matter the age of the perpetrator, I would never forgive anyone for this. Tearfully, I kissed my fingers and pressed them to the headstone, then left the graveyard, hurrying home so no one would see me. 

You aren’t born with hate in your heart. It’s taught at an early age and kept there. 

***

It was too long a drive to Champlain, so we just decide to take the train. From the train station, we take our car (it’s been sitting in a garage of a friend of Viktor’s for close to a year) up to the house. 

We enjoy the weekend, but now I couldn't stop thinking about her. I know the kid only did it to a grave in a big graveyard, but to me, it felt like he did it to a helpless baby.

It was times like this I had to be thankful that I at least had Nikolas and Scarlett. When Viktor and I first married and I lost my first baby, I had to grieve alone. I had no one I felt like who truly loved me, at least not who I could be with all the time. 

But these children, as hard as it is sometimes to love them like they need… they’ve never stopped loving me. They make everything so much better, a hundred times better than if I was still alone right now. I don’t know how they can sense it, but when I’m feeling extra down, my son will come up and hug me, or my daughter will climb into my bed when I’m sulking and ask if she can “snuggle” with me. I’m glad they have that ability.

.

I was almost twenty-three weeks pregnant now, and this baby was moving around all the time. Viktor loved feeling them move, and a lot of the time he ended up falling asleep with his hand or head over the spot they were moving, and it was so sweet. 

Scarlett liked feeling it, too, but she didn't really understand what it was. She thought it was some strange game of mine.

I wondered often if it was a boy or a girl. I usually think I’m having boys, but I had two girls in a row. I assumed I was having another girl, but I’d like a boy.  
  


***

 

Viktor left on Monday morning, so it was up to me to get everyone home. Before he left, though, the children and I made cards for him to look at while on the train home. We tucked them into his bag along with baked cookies for the road. We dropped him off at the station, and then we were on our own.

After we finished our breakfasts, we went down to the docks and rented a boat. It wasn’t as small as a kayak, but it wasn’t a large boat, either. It was wooden, with two rows of seats. We had fishing rods and a picnic basket. From the lack of rain, a small island had formed on this part of the lake. We planned on exploring it in the early afternoon.

So we set sail, myself doing all the paddling lest Scarlett fall overboard like last year, and soon, we were in the middle of the lake, waiting for fish to nibble on our lines. It was quiet for a while, but never for too long. “Mommy, you and Daddy are having a new baby, right?” Nikolas was the only one who didn’t talk much about the baby, so I was surprised he asked.

“I’d say so.” I patted my stomach.

“What if… what if this baby gets sick like Rosy did?”

Every time someone made me think of her, I felt cold inside. “I- I don’t know. I hope they don’t, but we can only pray right now. Are you afraid?”

“A little.” He mumbled. He had his father’s eyes. And right now, with that concerned face he was making, they looked like twins. Except for the hair, of course. “I just don’t want you to get sad again, and have to go away. I was really scared you weren’t coming back.”

“Oh…” His face was red, like he was ashamed for admitting he missed me. I never wanted that. “Come here, both of you.” I set my rod aside and opened my arms. Both of them hugged me. “I’m not leaving again, I promise you.And… and we have to believe that this baby will be okay, we can’t focus on the past. If we spend the whole time worrying, how are we going to enjoy them when they’re born?” Nikolas hugged me a little tighter. “No matter what, I want you two to remember how much me and your father love you both. More than anything in the whole world, and nothing’s gonna change that. Okay?”

.

 

When a familiar car rolled up the gravel driveway on Tuesday night, I knew at once that something was wrong. 

“Daddy’s back!” Scarlett exclaimed, pulling open the door so she could be the first to jump into his arms. 

I was surprised at the confirmation, as there was no reason at all for Viktor to come back whatsoever. We were supposed to go home tomorrow, so why...  
Still, I gave him his time. “Nikolas, after you say hi to Daddy, you should turn off the radio and go to bed, okay?”

“Okay. Why  _ is  _ he here—“

“I don’t know.” I placed a hand over my stomach, where my baby was doing somersaults.  _ I guess you’re nervous too.  _

Once he came inside, my suspicions were confirmed. He was still in his work clothes, his hair disheveled. I could see how tense he was. 

And yet he still smiled and took care of the children. He got them ready for bed, and I went into our bedroom to wait for him. He came in quietly. “How’s the baby?”

“We’re fine.” I smiled. “But what about you? What’s going on?”

“Nothing and everything, sweetheart. I wouldn’t want to stress you and the baby right now, but everything will be just fine.”

“You say that often, even when it isn’t…”

“Nothing will change for us, so keep that in mind..”

I nodded. 

“The stock market crashed today. Really badly. I don’t- I don’t know if they’ll recover anytime soon, but as you know, I have been heavily invested in the stocks as part of my business, and…”

“You’ll soon be  _ out _ of business…”

“But that doesn’t mean anything for us. We still have the house, the inheritance… everything. So don’t panic just yet. I mean, I’m panicking, because we’ll only be self-efficient for so long, but I hope by the time we get income again, we’ll still be fine.”

“Me too. We… oh God… we have a baby coming into this mess, we never should’ve—“

“Shh, Shh… you’re overthinking this. The baby will be fine. If things truly get bad, and we need income fast, we could take in boarders at the house. We could stay someplace else… we have three other homes, you know..” 

I nodded again. “You’re right. Things might change,  but we won’t go homeless or anything like that.”

“I guess what stresses me the most is knowing that you’re clearly stressed and worried about something, and I fear you’re hiding something from me.”

“I’m just trying to not stress you and the baby. It’s nothing of importance.”

“O-Okay…”

That’d been his thing. He wouldn’t talk to me about hardly  _ anything  _ because of me and the baby, but I think it was an excuse not to have to talk to me. It’s not like the baby’s going to pop out of me if I’m stressed. 

It’s partially because he thought the reason we lost our first two was stress related, but I really don’t know. I hope that’s all it was. I hadn't lost this one yet, and for that I was grateful. I don’t know what I’d do if I did. 

We hadn't bought anything for the baby yet, but now that there seemed to be a crisis on Wall Street, I wondered if we would. At first I thought we’d have the inheritance to fall back on, because there should have been at least 800,000 left. But then I remembered that 670,000 just went to his brothers, as it was rightfully theirs. So now, we only had 130,000 to last us an unspecified amount of time. Honestly, it could last us years if we were careful, but we wanted to buy a new house, too. 

After Victor fell asleep, I started going through the finances. I’d give us 10,000 for a new house, which left us with 120,000. We’ve only used 200,000 in our entire marriage, but I realize now we shouldn’t have. It’s not like we needed it. Anyway, I started calculating gas prices, groceries, hospital bills and everything we’ll need for the new baby. I realized, with 120,000, we’d be fine for a while. Plus, we still had the manor. 

“Viktor.”

“Mmh?”

“We still have 130,000 in savings, don’t we?”

“No, 50,000, love. My brothers settled for 670k combined, but only 50 is available in the bank for us currently.”

“Then what happened to the other 80?”

“It turns out, my father had another child, before my mother. They wanted a piece. It was all settled in Atlanta.”

I could already feel myself tensing up at the realization. “You mean, if you lose your job, we only have fifty thousand dollars to last us the rest of our lives?”

“Plus the house. Hopefully.” He shut his eyes again. “It’s Dmitry’s fault. He was close with that other sibling and told them about the inheritance.”

“But they can’t prove that they’re his child!”

“They did. My father was married before, but divorced soon after the child’s birth. They had all the evidence. I mean, I knew my father was married before. He told me himself. But I never knew that there was a child involved.”

“Wow… what was their name?”

“Well… she’s married now, goes by Margaret Phillips.”

Okay, now baby and I were stressed. He was right. He never should've told me any of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> their world? Microscopic.  
> I mean what are the odds.
> 
> Next time: Yuuri and Darcy reunite, but things aren't good. Lots of babies. Aftermath of the stock market crash, and Yuuri goes to work, in secret. (Yeah, we're still following that route)


	7. Chapter 7

“There’s carpet in all the rooms except for the kitchen and dining room, and it was built just four years ago, so it’s relatively modern.” The agent’s heels click as she led us up a paved driveway at our sixth house of this hunt. This one had small trees in the front yard, leaves all over, and a fence in the back. Across the road, there was a large pond with ducks, and trees behind that. It was a small neighborhood, but the houses weren't very small compared to some of the others we’d seen. “There are three bedrooms on the second floor, and a master bedroom on the bottom floor. Two bathrooms...” She said as she fiddled with the lock. “The detached garage there, and you can park on the street.”

The door swung open, and we walked into a foyer. The carpets were of a light color. To our left, a big den area, and to the right, the dining room and kitchen. Stairs were straight ahead that led to the upper floor. Past the den was the master bedroom and bathroom and a hallway connecting those rooms to the kitchen.

“The backyard has a patio, perfect for hosting parties. There’s a small shed in the corner of the yard for kids bikes and play things. Is this your first child together?” She smiled at me.

“This is our fourth.” Viktor said for me. I held his hand. _I’m glad you said that, darling._

“Well, I think you’ll find the bedrooms spacious enough for your growing family. Shall we tour the upstairs first?”

The upstairs bedrooms were about the same size, two on one side and one on the other closer to the bathroom. Plain white walls. All carpeted. To me, it was a blank canvas with the potential for so much more, if we were committed enough to put the work into it.

When the agent went outside to get the paperwork to go over, should we want to sign, I whispered to Viktor, “I like this one. I like that there’s a bedroom on the lower floor, so I won’t have to climb stairs after the baby…”

“I liked that, too. I think it’s got enough space for us. I mean, it’s not huge, but… that little room past the den, that sunroom? That could replace my office…”

“Or you could use a room upstairs. The baby won’t need it until they’re older anyway.”

“True… the price is good, the neighborhood is… decent, I’d say. It’s middle class. Not that, not that I care, but…”  
“It’s fine to care. The lower class neighborhoods are really struggling right now, and they’re not the safest. Believe me, I’ve lived there. Now, I’m not saying that the neighbors are going to be nice here, so we may have to find a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere…”

“Had trouble with your neighbors before?” The agent came back into the house. “There won’t be a problem here. My nephew lives a few houses down, and he tells me that—“  
“Yes, But your nephew isn’t me.” I interrupted. “You wouldn’t believe the horrible things that happened in our last neighborhood, just because of who I am. I don’t want to spend the 8,000 on this house just for us to have to move again. I want someplace where we can settle.”

“I understand that.” She paused. “There’s an event going on in the park this weekend, just for this neighborhood. A charity drive, I think. The weather’s supposed to be nice. We could schedule another showing of the house for Saturday afternoon, if you’re still interested.”

“We are interested.” I said. “But I want to be sure.”

“Of course.”

.

I sat in the car when Viktor took the children to the charity drive, each with a basketful of clothing to donate: old winter coats, long sleeved dresses and shirts, winter boots— all hardly worn. I watched the people running the event stare wide-eyed at their donations, and it was then that I got out of the car with my own basket. Why was I so afraid? If they rejected me, it wouldn’t be any different than my own neighborhood.

“We’re trying to downsize before we move,” I heard Viktor explain to one of the people running the table.

"Really? Where are you from?”  
“Well, we’re from East Hampton, but we’re planning on moving out soon. We’ll be looking at the house for sale in this neighborhood later.”

I set my basket down on the counter. “This one, too. None of it has fit in years, anyway, I’m sure someone can get some good use out of it.”  
“At times like this, they sure can.” The woman behind the counter smiled at me. “We really appreciate the donations. Thank you.” She noticed my stomach and her face lit up. “When are you due?”

“The end of February.”

“I’m due in April.” She said cheerfully, “Congratulations to you, I don’t know how you do it. Preparing a big move when pregnant, I could never…”  
“Well, this is my fourth. I’m used to it. I just hope this is my last move.”

“I think you’ll love it here. Here, let me introduce you around.” And for a moment, I thought about protesting. But I didn’t, and she led me towards a crowd of people. Great. “So, what made you decide to move?” She asked.

“A couple weeks ago I just… realized how pregnant I am, and that we’re never going to have the time to once the baby’s born. Plus, this neighborhood is more affordable than our old one.”

“I get you. My house is owned by my mother-in-law, so we don’t have to worry about mortgage. But I know that those who do…” She winced. “I’m Anne Armstrong, by the way. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”  
“Yuuri Katsuki,” I said, testing her reaction on my foreign last name. She didn’t even blink. “Ooh, that’s kind of pretty, I like it.” And then, we were in the crowd, and I was introduced to far too many people to keep track of. Someone that stuck out to me was the “Moretti” family. Two men and a little boy about my son’s age…  
I wasn’t the only one.

.

We went back to the house that afternoon, and I think by then Viktor already knew exactly what I’d been thinking. We both signed the paperwork and paid it off completely. A risky move right now, we knew. But we still had the manor. What did we plan on doing with it, you ask? Taking in boarders, lots of them. With six bedrooms and various rooms on the lower floor, we could take in at least eight tenants. It would be a source of income, at the very least.

But someone had to tend to those people. We were still wondering which one of us was going to do that, but all signs pointed to Viktor. Still, I wanted to be able to contribute somehow. I thought about getting a job myself if possible. I wondered if I even could.

“Are we gonna live here now?” Nikolas asked on the drive home. I nodded.  
“We think so.”  
“So I’d have to go to a new school?”  
“Maybe. It depends on how far your bus comes. But there’s another school nearby that we can check out on Monday, maybe.”  
“I don’t like my school anyway.”  
“And Scarlett,” I grinned as I turned around. “Will be starting preschool next fall, she’s going to be four this spring, can you believe that?”

Scarlett giggled, hands on her cheeks the way she always did when she felt a little bashful. She didn’t know what preschool was.

“Yeah, well, I’m gonna be seven soon.” Nikolas stood up when he noticed a horse farm in passing. “And I wanna ride horses on my birthday.”  
“I nearly forgot, his birthday is in two weeks,” I nudged Viktor. “What should we…?”

“What do you want for your birthday, Niky?”

“I just want to go horse riding.”  
“You really like horses, don’t you?”  
He nodded eagerly. “Remember when we went riding at the lake house last summer? Just me and you, Daddy?”  
“I remember. That was fun. We found that weird looking frog.”  
“And my horse almost stepped on it.” He giggled. “I wanna do something like that again.”

“Okay. Hmm… your birthdays on what, a Friday? Maybe we could go somewhere for the weekend and ride horses.”

I bit my lip. I can’t ride while pregnant, it’s not safe. “Are you sure you don’t want to have a birthday party?”

“I just want to ride horses.”

“Then how about you and Daddy go someplace that Saturday, weather permitting, and ride horses?”

“Yeah! Can we?”

“I don’t see why not, unless it snows…”

“Yay!”

“I wanna go too…” Scarlett whined. “I like horses…”

“How about you come help me shop for the baby’s new room?” I suggested. “And maybe we could get you a haircut afterwards…”

“A haircut??”

“Just a trimming. What do you think?”

“I’d love to!” She jumped onto her seat and hugged my neck. “Thank you!”

As long as she didn’t get curious with a pair of scissors beforehand, we’d be fine.

Both fell asleep on the way home, and we had time to talk about the house. “We’re really doing this, aren’t we?”

“We are.”  
“I’m scared but… also really excited. This is a big change.”

“Is it a good one?”  
“I think so.” I bit my lip. “I think so! I’ve always wanted us to have a cozy house where it could be just us. I hope we’ll be happy here.”  
“We will be.”

.

Thanksgiving was the following Thursday, and this would be the first year we weren’t going to a relative’s home. Yuri came over, of course, as did Alex and his wife. Dmitry was elsewhere, as always.

We will be releasing our staff after Christmas, and I could tell how bitter they were about it. But really, we had no choice. Viktor hadn’t gone to work all week. Sure, people would apply for a loan here or there, but they weren’t approved. They weren’t going to pay it back.

The two of us were busy all morning with the kids in New York City, watching the Thanksgiving Day parade that Macy’s puts on. We’ve gone every year since it started when Nikolas was a baby, and the kids love it. After we got home, we had to entertain our guests and the antsy children. I took a nap at around two with Scarlett as I could no longer handle chasing her around the house and keep her hands out of our boxes in the bedrooms. She was facing me as she was falling asleep, big blue eyes seeming to look into my very soul. She lay very still, a thoughtful expression on her face.  
“What are you looking at?” I asked her, gently stroking her hair.  
“How did you get a baby doll in your tummy?” She asked softly, eyes drooping shut. I had no idea how to respond to that, or why she thought that. Well, I could kind of see why she did— she's three. When we told her about the baby, we used a baby doll. But I just assumed that she'd put two and two together and realize that I wasn't about to have an actual baby doll come out of me... oh well. 

She was too little to remember her sister's birth— being two and a half at the time, and she was in a very bad mood the sole time they met at the hospital. She showed little interest in the baby during her time here, and sometimes I wondered if she remembered her sister at all. 

.

We woke up at four-thirty, lounged around for a half hour, and then were told there was just an hour left until dinner. I realized that this would be our last Thanksgiving in this house.

(I wouldn’t miss it, really. Our first Thanksgiving here, I was sick, and so I forced Viktor to go visit his family for a little while, at the very least. He didn't want to, but I told him we'd eat together after he came back. I could hardly keep anything down, though. Every other Thanksgiving after that was spent at someone or the other's house, with me usually hiding in a corner with a cup of juice and wishing I could fit in somewhere.)

So I put Scarlett in the bathtub and freshened myself up too, but I found myself staring a little too hard at my long hair. For some reason, I really wanted to cut it all off. Maybe after dinner I'd give myself a trim. It's not that having long hair bothered me usually, but I had this length when Rosaly was born, and I didn't want things to be the same as they were then. I turned to the side in front of my mirror, shocked at how big I already was because of this baby. This one certainly wasn’t supposed to be here. I mean, yes, we wanted one, but we didn’t expect it to happen so fast. Now, this child would be here in February and I really hated myself for that, since Rosy died in February and it’d be even more obvious what this baby was: a replacement for the one we lost.

“I’ll be right back, Scarlett,” I said. She hardly noticed I was gone, instead focusing on her imaginary conversation with her rubber duck.  
I went into my bedroom and fished around for my bottle of pills. I don’t take them like a prescription, I usually take them when I feel like I need them most. However, Viktor was warned to be careful about that, as I may take too many and the pills aren’t really supposed to be taken while you’re pregnant. So he often hid them, somewhere in this room, and only gave them to me when I begged for them. He was cruel, in that way.

It was snowing outside, starting to come down heavier than forecasted. The lights flickered once, twice, as I sifted through his sock drawer.

They went out altogether within another minute, and Scarlett screamed. After the scream, she cried for me.  
“You’re fine!” I rolled my eyes. “I’ll be there in a second.” I stood up slowly (can’t do it quickly when you have a ten-pound basketball attached to your body) and Scarlett was wailing as if she was being murdered. That girl is dramatic.

She reached for me the moment I came into the bathroom, but I pulled open the curtains at the window first to give us some light. “Scarlett, it’s alright. What are you scared of? It wasn’t even that dark.” Shaking my head, I opened the linen closet to find her a towel.

Even though it was no longer dark, the lights came on and everything, she didn’t stop crying until I picked her up in her towel. I wanted to scold her for acting this way, but she seemed genuinely scared. I took her to her bedroom and helped her dress, then I held her again as I brushed her hair. “You have nothing to be afraid of, Scarlett. I wasn’t going to leave you.”

“I hate the dark.” She sniffled.

Wouldn’t I know…  
She’d been having a lot of nightmares recently and ended up squished between Viktor and I almost every night that month. It seemed like it was going to be impossible to get her to sleep in her own bed. Once the baby arrived, there was no way she could continue doing this.

“What would make you feel better?” I began braiding her hair. “Hold still, Scarlett.”  
“I just like sleeping in your room.” She wiped her nose. “No monster under your bed.”  
“There’s no monster under anybody’s bed. Your room is perfectly safe.”  
“But I’ve seen it.” She whispered, in case the monster could hear her. “It tells me to be quiet, it goes like this,” She raised a finger to her lips. “Like… ssssss…”  
“You mean shh?”  
“Yeah! And then he crawls out and climbs frew the window, down the tree. And he runs really fast.”  
“What does the monster look like?”  
“I dunno, it’s too dark. I can only see its eyes.”  
“Does it have a human body?”  
“I hide under my blanket when it go out.”  
“I’m sure it’s not real, Scarlett… it can’t be real. Monsters aren’t real.”  
“Maybe it’s a ghost then.”  
“I… I don’t think that’s the case, sweetheart. Here, let’s find you a pretty bow for your hair, okay?”  
“If you sleep in here you’ll see it too.”  
“Do you see it every night?”  
“No… but I’m still scared…”

“Well, we’ll get to the bottom of this.”

When I was little, I had the same problem as Scarlett. I was convinced there was a monster under the bed. My parents scolded me for waking them and never offered me comfort; that was their way of teaching me to get over my fear. But Mari decided to fool me into thinking the monster was gone. She made an “anti-monster spray” from lots of ridiculous things she made me gather from outside, and then she sprayed it all under my bed. She promised me I would never see another monster under there again.

I wondered if I should do the same for Scarlett.

When dinner was finally ready, Scarlett and I went downstairs to join the others. I took my time, thinking about what she said, and couldn’t help but to feel eerie about it. Maybe I would sleep in her room tonight.

   
***

One morning in early December just after my son went to school, the bell rung. “Can you get that, Sylvia?” I called, assuming that our new lead maid was still in the hallway as she’d just been in my room to take the dirty laundry away.

“Going now, sir,” She said in a little bit of a sharp tone. I know she was wondering why I couldn’t get it myself, since she was already busy now that we’ve cut a lot of the staff. She also knew we’d probably be laying her off soon, once we moved, unless one of Viktor’s siblings wanted to take over the house.

“Thank you…” I mean, I’m six months pregnant. I can’t get out of bed too fast. And I’m sore. _And_ we pay her to answer doors and stuff. So I shouldn’t feel bad.

A minute or two passed, and she barged right into my room, “It’s Mrs. Margaret Phillips, here to call on you. I had her wait in the parlor.”

“Oh… okay. I wasn’t expecting guests…” I sat up slowly, wincing at a sudden pain in my bladder. “I’ll need some time to get ready.”

“I know, I told her you were still in bed, but she insisted.” She drew open the curtains. “Do you want me to get an outfit for you, or…?”  
“I’ll get it.” I waved a hand dismissively, and she shut the door a little loudly on her way out.

I walked into my closet and glanced around at my far-too-many options. Over the years, I’ve accumulated a closet and a half full of maternity wear, and I hardly wear all of it but once because I prefer lounging around in a robe on the days I don’t have to go anywhere. Today, I wore long black slacks and a blue sweater, since I won’t be able to wear it much longer, I figure I’d wear it now. I put on my glasses, nodded to myself in the mirror, and went downstairs to see what Margaret wanted. Was the eighty thousand and my necklace that I know she stole from me not enough? What could she possibly want now?

She was wearing clothes fit for a Sunday church service, heavy makeup and an unusual frown. I’ve never seen her look so unpleasant. She didn’t even smile when she saw me. “Long time no see,” I said as I pulled the doors shut. “How are you, Margaret?”

“I can’t complain, but I should be asking you… you look as if you’ve… let yourself go quite a bit since the last time we saw each other.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“Did the stress of coming home from the hospital cause you to gain weight, or is this just you in your natural form? Oh dear, it isn’t attractive. No husband wants to come home to that.”

“What the hell are you going on about?” I instinctively pressed a hand over my stomach. “Obviously, I’m pregnant!”

“Pregnant?” She stood. “But I thought you weren’t supposed to have another after you killed your last?”

I didn’t try to defend myself initially. I just pointed towards the door and said, “Get out of here. I don’t know why you’re in my house other than to taunt me.”

“I just… wanted to show you this beautiful necklace I just got with my inheritance.” She pulled the chain, revealing an opal pendant enclosed in a golden band, engraved… “Don’t you like it? It looks just like something you would wear.”

This woman was flaunting the fact that she’d stolen from me, thinking I wouldn’t do anything about it. Well, she was wrong. “Give it back.”

“Give what back?” She smiled at me for the first time. “The inheritance? It’s mine, sweetheart.”

“No, the necklace, you lying bitch! You’ve got the money, so why don’t you get your own?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” There was a twinkle of amusement in her eyes as she walked over to the window, hips swinging. “Viktor gave it to me.”

“No he didn’t.”

“Yes, he did. Right after he fucked me against this wall. When was that? Hmm… I think you were in the hospital for being a lunatic, and he wanted some normalcy.” She put a hand on her hip. “It took _hours_ to wring all that stress out of him, but the man can’t be sated, I’ve found. So he came after me at his brother’s wedding, offering me eighty thousand dollars if I stayed quiet about the affair and continued to visit him. How could I refuse that?”

“Y-you’re _lying_ —”

“Did you _honestly_ think that I was related to him? And even if I was, where’s the proof? How could all of that get processed in one weekend? You’re so stupid.”

“ _You’re lying_ ! Viktor would _never_ cheat on me, he loves me!”

“That’s what you think, sweetie.” Margaret faced me, marveling at how quickly I’d started crying. “He gave me this necklace recently, said it would suit me beautifully.”

“You’re… you’re just saying that because you’re trying to get me upset, so I’ll do something stupid and you can take my place. But this is _my_ house, Margaret, and if you think for _one minute_ that I’ll let you—“

“Mommy, where are you?” Scarlett pushed open the door, eyes widening when she noticed Margaret. “Is she staying with us? Yay! I missed her!” 

“No, Scarlett, she’s not.”

“But whyyyyyy Mommy? She’s _here_ …”

“He’s not your Mommy, Scarlett. A man can’t be a mommy. But _I_ could—“

“Sylvia!!! _Get this bitch out of my house before I kill her_!!!”

That seemed to be all Margaret needed. “No need for violence, I’ll be on my way.” She walked towards the door, nonchalantly dropping an envelope from her pocketbook. “Oops~”

***

“I’m home~!” Viktor put his briefcase down in the hallway, surprised when he didn’t hear the familiar stampede from the steps when he got home. “Scarlett? Nikolas?”

Silence.

And then… “Yuuri?”

He wondered if perhaps Scarlett was still napping, and I didn’t want to shout.

But it was almost dinner time, food was being set out and everything. It didn’t make sense.

Sylvia was dusting down the hall. “Sylvia, where’s…”

“Where’s who, sir? Your family, or… that woman you chose over them?”

“What woman?”

She turned away.

“Where’s Yuuri? The children? Where did they go?”

“He didn’t say, sir, but he implied that he would be leaving soon." Sylvia kept a straight face as she spoke, so Viktor couldn't figure anything else out from her words, on what  _she_ was implying.

“What did you mean by woman? I have _no_ idea who you’re referring to.”

“Margaret Phillips. She came by today and told Yuuri everything about your affair.”

“My _what_? But Margaret is my–“

“If you’ll excuse me, sir. Dinner is served and I need to get home.”

“Sylvia, you must tell me where they are. Whatever story he was told, it isn’t true. I have no interest in anyone else but Yuuri, and whoever told him otherwise is wrong.”

“I don’t know where he went, sir. He didn’t say.”

“Maybe the house, then.” Viktor nodded to himself. “I’ll be back—”  
“Sir, if I may speak freely, you’d be a fool to go after him when he’s so angry. Give him some space.”

He found logic in Sylvia’s words, deciding to wait a little while. I couldn’t stay gone _too_ long, especially since Nikolas had to go to school in the morning. I wouldn’t make him miss, would I?

He ate dinner alone, took a long shower, and finally went into our bedroom with a bottle of liquor, ready to drink his worries away. When he switched on the light, he found that he wasn’t alone at all.

There I was, in one of his oversized teeshirts, sound asleep. Next to me was an album he knew well. It was Rosy’s. He brushed a hair from my face and sighed. “I thought I lost you.”

And FOR THE RECORD, I was NOT wearing his shirt because I missed him. Rather, it’s the only shirt long enough to cover my entire stomach and part of my legs so I don’t have to wear pants. That is all.

I shifted in my sleep, lifting my knees up a little bit to turn on my side. When I did, he noticed a stain on the white sheets. “Oh god.” _Should I wake him? But if what I think is happening, is happening… the whole cycle starts over again. He will need this last night of peace…._

_Did I cause this from the stress?_

Viktor paced for a while, scared at what this might mean for us. I had to wake up at some point, and so he decided to wait until I did to say anything.

So he took off his shirt and crawled into bed beside me. He squeezed my hand, eyes shut, and started to pray.

_God, please have mercy on us. Don’t take this one from us._

_Don’t take him from me._

***

The next day, the stain was gone from the bed and so was I by the time he woke up. He found me in my library writing a letter. “Shouldn’t you be going to work?” I asked without looking up. He noticed I was wearing black pants, but I looked calm, so… maybe he imagined it all?

“I don’t have to be in until eleven.”

“Ah.”

“How are you feeling this morning?”

“I’m fine.”

“That’s… that’s good.”

He lingered by the door for a few minutes until I could no longer concentrate knowing that he was staring at me. “Did you _need_ something?” I began folding the paper. I’d have to discard this one, it just wouldn’t do.

“No, I just… yesterday, there seemed to have been some sort of misunderstanding, about Margaret Phillips? And…”

“I’m going out with Scarlett in twenty minutes. We have to shop for Nikolas’ birthday. Maybe you should pick him up from school later, he’d like that.” I brushed past him and headed towards the main staircase.

“Whatever you heard, it isn’t true. I don’t know why anyone would spread a rumor like that, especially since her and I are related!”

Scarlett was waiting in the hallway. I took her hand. Opening the door, I called over my shoulder. “We’ll be back later.”

“Bye, Daddy!” She added.

“Yuuri, wait!”

The door slammed. It was hard to mask my anger, but even harder to mask my fear. I had a doctor’s appointment to attend first, and hoped that covering my tracks by claiming I was heading into the city would keep him from getting suspicious.

He threw open the front door and just managed to step onto the driveway by the time I’d backed out into the street. If he planned on following me, he’d lose me by the time I made the turn into the little town. I needed a break from him to get my head straight.

.

“I think it’s _placenta previa_. You had difficulty with bleeding excessively after Rosaly’s, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it was something similar.” My doctor concluded after examining me, listening to my symptoms, and listening to the baby’s still steady heartbeat. “But hers resolved. This one probably will, too.”

“Could be. But remember what I told you last time?”  
“I’m not going on bedrest again. That was hell.”

“Then stop having children, Yuuri. What else do you want me to suggest?”  
“I didn’t stick to the bedrest last time. Obviously I didn’t exercise and avoided sex as much as I could, but I still walked all over the place.”

“Stick to it even more this time. If it doesn’t resolve on its own, it could kill you when it comes time for its birth.”

“Kill me…?” Suddenly, I didn’t feel so well. “What- why would it..”

“It causes excessive bleeding. Of course, if you were given a cesarian, it may not kill you, but there’s still a very high risk of complications afterwards.”

“What’s wrong, Mommy?” Scarlett climbed up onto the examination table when she noticed how pale I was getting. “Are you sick?”

“I think I’m gonna be…” I pressed a shaking hand to my lips. The room was spinning.

“Like I said, Yuuri, if you stay on bedrest, it’ll probably resolve just as it did last time, so don’t worry too much yet. We’ll check it again in a few—” That was the last thing I heard— other than the ringing in my ears, of course.

 

When I came to, the doctor’s wife was holding Scarlett while the doctor continued holding an ice pack to my head. “Are you feeling a little better now?” He asked me once, twice when I didn’t answer. “Perhaps we should call your husband and have him pick you up.”

“ _No_ ,” I groaned as I sat up. “I’m… I’m fine. The house is just around the block from here, besides… I just… I’m feeling very overwhelmed.”

“And that’s understandable. Which is why you shouldn’t be driving.”

“My husband is at work.” It wasn’t a _total_ lie. He should be on his way to work by now if he hadn’t left already.

“Then we’ll call him…”

“Please, I don’t want him knowing about this right now. We’re… we’re not exactly getting along at the moment, and I don’t know if things are going to work out.” It was hard to admit that without tearing up, but I think my headache kept me from feeling too emotional.

After a few more minutes, I started to feel okay-enough to walk. And another ten minutes later, I was leading Scarlett out the door with orders to get a lot of rest and to come back in two weeks for a check-up.

When I turned towards Poplar Street, Scarlett frowned. “We supposed to go shopping.”  
“Yeah, well, Mommy doesn’t feel good.”

“But I was gonna get a haircut, remember? You promise…” She started to whine.

“We’ll have to go another day, when I’m feeling better.”

“I don’t wanna go another day! I wanna go now!!!”

Aaaand the tantrum began. It was unfortunate, really, because she’d been so well-behaved recently. She cried all the way to the house, and when I tried to get her out of the car, the kicking and screaming began. Everyone was staring at this little girl that I was dragging up the path to my front door, probably judging me for not being able to handle her. Be it my exhaustion, or be it the million things stressing me, I couldn’t take it. “ _Shut up_!” I shouted, louder than her. She startled and stopped immediately, staring up at me with wide eyes. If I had been worried about people staring before, it only multiplied now. I let go of her hand. “Come on, we’re going inside. Now.”

This time, she followed quietly.

.

“ _Leroy residence, Oliver speaking_.”

“Hi, is your mom home?”  
“ _Yeah, hold on. MOM! SOMEONE’S ON THE PHONE!!!_ ”

I should buy some sort of earplugs to be used when I call the Leroy’s house. This happened every time, after all.  
“Hi Mrs. Jones, I’m glad you called me back." Isabella began, silencing me, "Did you _see_ Yuuri shrieking at his daughter out there this morning? He looked far worse than his usual bad, and I’m getting really tired of the noise.”

I… really didn’t know what to say to that other than: “No, I didn’t, but I hear that the gossip in this neighborhood is much louder than a three-year-old’s tantrums.”

“Ahaha… Yuuri? I- I was just kidding about all that. I was just… copying what I’ve heard this week, not that I believe it at all!”

“Goodbye, Isabella. I don’t think we’ll be seeing each other again.”

.

I was trying so very hard not to have a breakdown, but life was pushing me, so very hard to have one. I lost my friends, my husband, and now I might lose my baby and even die myself. It never ends for me, does it? I’m always losing, and I never gained.

_I think I’m actually going to die, and if I do, I won’t mind it one bit._

When Viktor came home from work early in the afternoon, he tried to talk to me, and again I brushed him off. He was starting to get desperate. “Baby, please just tell me what’s bothering you so I can fix it!” He begged, literally on his knees at my bedside. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t possibly tell him about the baby’s troubles. He’s going through enough as it is.

“You’ll need to go out and get Nikolas’ birthday gifts for tomorrow. I’ve already made a list, it’s on the counter in the kitchen.”

“Alright, I will. But why don’t you come with me? We can get dinner, see a movie, anything you want.”

“I’ll be staying here.” Feeling a certain trickle between my legs, I tried to get out of bed as calmly as I could. I didn’t want him to notice the blood.

“Goddamnit… I know about the blood! What’s going on!?”

“None of it matters. None of it. I’m _fine_ , as I’ve said before, and that is all you need to know.”

“I didn’t cheat on you with—”  
“ _None of it matters!_ Leave me _alone!_ ”

“Listen to me.” His voice was stern as he gripped my shoulders. “I need to know what’s going on with you so that I can _help_ you.”

“I don’t _want_ your help, get off!” I pushed his hand away. “I can take care of it on my own, damn it, when have I not? I’m bleeding because of something that you can’t fix, so I’d rather not have you all over me when all I can think about is…” I bit my lip and turned away.

“Is what, Yuuri?”  
“Please leave me, I just want to sleep.”

“ _Is what_?”

“That you slept with someone else while I was away and then fucked me right after! I feel disgusting!!!”

“Yuuri, what proof did she have? What proof?”

“As if you don’t know.” I opened the side table drawer. “Look in that envelope of your nudes and tell me you still have an excuse.”

“My what?”  
“Oh for God’s sake…” I ripped open the envelope, the pictures scattering across the bed. “You sent these to her!”

His face turned beet red. “Oh God…”

“I knew it. I _knew_ you were—”  
“I took these when I was twenty. I- I was really drunk at university, and...”  
“Bullshit. Go away from me, I don’t want to see you again.” I folded my arms. We were both staring at his pictures, and later I’d regret how embarrassing this was for him.

“No, _look_ , Yuuri!” He flipped one of the pictures over and pointed out what I hadn’t noticed before. A small time stamp that said: 8-7-15. Fourteen years ago. “I was a dumbass in college, always being destructive. After I graduated with less than honorable grades, I stayed in the military for two years. But I didn’t stop being a dumbass until I saw you, when I realized that the only way I’d ever live the life I wanted is if I calmed down.” He gathered up the pictures. “I’m sorry you had to see this. I’m sorry she lied to you about what happened. But I promise you…”

 

We decided to go on a drive to talk about things, but it was quiet for a while, and the air was tense between as as we drove through some twisty back roads. I was the first to break the silence. "I'm not entirely convinced you weren't with her. How else would you explain how you only wrote to me once while I was away, when you promised to write so often that the staff would hate you?"

He glanced at me as a bolt of lightning struck across the sky. Unusual for this time of year... "I  _did_ write to you, all the time. Are you telling me they didn't give it to you?"  
"It never came. I thought you hated me."  
"Why do you always assume the worst? You could've talked to me about it on the phone. You always do that. Self destructing so fast that I can't fix the problem, and it's always over dumb shit—"  
"Excuse me,  _you_ weren't the one left at a hospital hundreds of miles from home." 

“Why do you always think I’m trying to hurt you?! Why do you—”

“Don’t yell at me.”

“How much more do I have to do to show you that I’m not going anywhere, because honestly you’re driving me—”  
“I _said_ don’t _yell at me_!” The rain was coming down so hard we could barely see outside the car.

“What do you want me to do!? I’m _so tired_ of bending over backwards just to prove the same fucking thing over and over, so _what_ do you—”

“ _I just want you to_ —”

Viktor had been looking at me, but something drew his attention back to the road, and I’m glad it did. For the road was broken in front of us, flooded through by a nearby creek. Had we kept going, our car would’ve been underwater.

But most importantly, he had instinctively reached his arm out to protect me from hitting the dashboard when he slammed on the breaks. He potentially saved our unborn child, for had I hit the dashboard, I could’ve lost the baby. He panted, slowly letting go of the wheel once he put the car in park. And then the two of us just looked at each other. I realized it all then, how he felt, what did and didn’t matter. Suddenly feeling insecure, I touched at my hair and looked down. “I-I’m sorry. It’s my fault, really…”

“Stop running from me. Nothing’s changing, I still love you more than anyone."

“I know I look stupid,” I muttered, avoiding his eyes. “Thinking it was you recently and not a decade ago, I should've looked closer. I wish I could stop overreacting over everything."

“Baby, I just want you to be happy and I wish the world would stop feeling otherwise."

 “I shouldn’t have overreacted without knowing the truth first. But what about the letters?”

“I thought I sent those. They went in the mail.”

“You did?”

“Of course. I sent three letters a week.”

“I… only got two in total.”

“Two?!”

“I thought you were getting rid of me.” I shifted uncomfortably. “And when you wouldn’t answer, what else was I supposed to think? I felt so awful, almost as awful as I did when I saw those pictures..”

“I really just wanted to surprise you, but then our trains got delayed because of storms. I’m sorry it ended up that way; of course it looked suspicious. Honestly, I do try my best but I’ll admit that sometimes I’m a terrible husband to you, and I’m striving to do better by you, and…”

“Stop.” I told him, and then I got out of the car, standing in the pouring rain as I stared at the creek-consumed road. I heard him get out too. “Yuuri, I—”

“How can you say you’re a terrible husband with all you do for me? Yes, you make mistakes, sometimes really stupid ones, but- but I don’t care! Look at me! What good choice have _I_ made, and you never tell me that _I’m_ a terrible-”

Suddenly he was kissing me, with more grip and passion than he had in such a long time that I’d almost forgotten how it felt. And was it wondrous… his arms around me, mine wrapped around his neck, the rain pouring down over us, it was so… so romantic. I didn’t care how much time passed, we needed this moment to ourselves. Because for that moment, nothing else existed. All our suffering and sorrow could be washed away by the rain. During that moment I felt as alive as I did when we first married, when we had not a care in the world.

Eventually, we pulled away for air. I kept my arms where they were and closed my eyes. I could tell he was looking at the water again. “We… should probably go. It looks like it’s getting worse.”

“How will we get home?”

“I… I guess we won’t go home tonight.”

***

Despite this shady motel having literally non-existent heating systems, it wasn't too cold that night. I might've slept well had it not been for the baby pushing on my bladder, and a thought that wouldn't leave my mind. Viktor’s hair was a little damp from the rain still. I combed his bangs away from his face and kissed the tip of his nose. I hope he’d get more rest, God knows he needed it.

I slipped out of bed in the middle of the night, leaving Viktor to sleep a little better without having to be moved because I couldn’t be still. I knew what I wanted to do.

I’ve had hair of various lengths, depending on the years. My hair was very short when Viktor and I first met, but I let it grow out to chin length over the next two years, and eventually shoulder length when Scarlett was born. It varied since then, but recently it had been below my shoulders, but I hardly let it down, not even when I was going to bed. It was always pinned up in a French twist style. It kept it out of my way and didn't look too bad if I had guests over.

But it’d been bothering me for ages now. While I was at the hospital, Dr. Morris asked me why I always had my hair up. I told him it was because I didn’t like how long it was and needed it out of my face. And then he asked me, “Then why don’t you just cut it?”

And it was on my mind ever since, but I’d been afraid to do it. But tonight, I couldn't sleep, it must be done. I needed a change.

The truth is, I’d never been happy with my long hair, but I thought that maybe if I looked the part, people might treat me better, take me more seriously as a mother or something like that. I thought the more feminine I was, the better my life would be. But I’d come to realize that hair length and clothes don’t determine who I am, and it certainly didn’t prove to anyone that I was a “better” person, which makes sense. I was foolish to care what anyone thought of me in the first place.

Taking a deep breath, I took the pins out of my hair and let it come down. I gave myself a good look in the mirror and knew that the person I saw in front of me was not who I wanted to be. Fortunately, I could change that. After brushing my hair out, I grabbed a pair of scissors off the sink. “Am I gonna do this?” Even if I had second thoughts, I was going to do it anyway. And so I grabbed my hair into my fist and cut it all off in one snip, regretting nothing. With that hair, I cut off months of sorrow, of anger, of feeling like I wasn’t good enough. And when I looked in the mirror at my messy, uneven hair… I couldn't help but to smile through my tears. 

Suddenly, I felt like me again. The realization came to me all at once. I’m thirty-one years old. I’ve spent more than half of those years trying to be someone I’m not, someone I never had to be. Why should I spend any longer wasting my time?

I gave myself a final look in the mirror, ran a hand through my hair, and went back into the room.

I slept well.

That is, until about six in the morning when I heard a _bang_ come from the bathroom, followed by, “Yuuuuuri… if you’re going to cut all your hair off, at _least_ have someone sweep it up.”

“Did you slip?” I mumbled, palming the nightstand for my glasses.

“Yes, I slipped. But I’m fine, just… when did you?” He rubbed the side of his head. Standing at the bathroom door, he studied my hair for a long moment.

“Do you like it?” I asked, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. It _was_ a bit messy, after all…When he didn’t answer, I added, “ _I_ like it.” surprising myself at my boldness.

“No, no, I love it.” He finally said, walking towards me. “I’m just surprised, it was rather sudden. But you look great.”

“I do?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s not that big of a change, considering that you never have your hair down in front of me unless it falls loose when we’re—”

“But aren’t you worried that I’m having an episode or something?”

“Hmm… no. I think you’re just getting better and starting to love who you are. And I’m very okay with that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beautiful sketch was done by [toratoramin](https://twitter.com/toratoramin) I requested it on their patreon and I think it's perfect, I love their work. If you're able, please support them!
> 
> A little update on me~
> 
> I'm on a proper medication now. We shall see what it does. This week I've just been really tired, but it could be because of life and not just strictly medication related. I really hope to start updating my other fics soon. 
> 
> Next time: Yuuri's gonna fight, and then he's gonna move into his new house. Viktor's brothers come over for the holidays and there's family drama.


	8. Chapter 8

Our first piece of mail at the new house was an invitation to a Christmas party hosted by Otabek Altin himself, to be held on the twenty-first of December at his private residence just outside the city’s limits. Admittedly, I didn’t know he _had_ a residence in New York, but I think he only purchased it to please a certain someone who has no interest in marrying him.

Nikolas pestered me from the moment I opened the invitation as he was quite fond of Otabek. He was hoping, since neither Otabek nor Yuri acknowledged his birthday, that this was some sort of letter meant for him. Unfortunately, I had to crush his dreams by announcing that no, this wasn't a letter for him. His face fell. "How could he forget my birthday like that? He never misses a birthday. Not even the day I was born! Daddy said he was there for that, too!"

"Well, I'm sure both of them are very busy right now in Washington, and perhaps couldn't make it to New York in time. But don't worry! I'm sure that Yura's still coming for Christmas, and you'll get plenty of presents then."

"He never misses..." he mumbled again as he walked down the hall towards his new room. 

"But you had a great birthday anyway, didn't you?" I called after him. I caught up to him at his bedroom door, where both of us stared in at his new furniture, and more prominently, the framed photo of him and his father at a horse ranch on his birthday. "And Daddy promised you that you'll go more often with him. Never mind if Yura wasn't here for you,  _we_ were."

Anyway, it wasn’t an informal party. The other invitees were men of various other businesses in the tri-state region. According to Viktor, it was more of an outreach event for him to get his feet wet in New York’s business circle. A chance for him to make even more money than he already has.

Because of my recommended bedrest, I hadn’t really thought about going. After all, I wasn’t interested in the world of business and it sounded too uptight for my liking. Even up until the night of the party, I had no interest. My plans for the evening were to wrap presents and spend time with my kids, the usual.

That is, until I heard Viktor on the phone in the hallway. “And _she’s_ going to be there? Great. You’re asking for me to be murdered.”  
I perked up, moving to stand so I could hear better.  
“Well, as long as her husband is around, I can’t get in too much trouble. She’s really insistent on ruining my marriage. Crazy bitch. What? Yeah, of course I’m still going. I haven’t seen any of you all in ages. We have a lot to catch up on!”

I was already in my closet in search of something to wear.

“Uh-huh. Still a few months from now, but this whole bedrest ordeal is driving us crazy. I’ll talk to you when I get there. Yeah. Bye now…” I heard his footsteps padding towards our new bedroom, but paid no mind to them as I desperately searched for the right outfit. Not too extravagant, not too plain. Not too short, but not too long, either. Not too tight around the stomach, but not loose enough to make me lose my form. Something that wouldn’t make Viktor ashamed to be seen with me.

“Yuuri, what are you doing in there?” His voice was fond, I could tell he was smiling.  
“Pushing aside your mess so I can find something,” I grumbled. What a nightmare, us having to share a closet in this home was probably the only downside of living here so far.  
“ _My_ mess?” He chuckled. “I offered to keep my clothes in the hall closet, but you said that…”  
“Oh, never mind what I said.” By now, several outfits were on the floor around me and I was growing overheated and impatient.  
“What exactly are you looking for, darling? Maybe I can find it so you don’t have to exert yourself so much.”  
“I’m not looking for a particular _thing_.” I said, tossing yet another perfectly acceptable evening gown onto the floor. “I need to get dressed for the Christmas party. I’m sure we have to leave soon.”

“We? I thought…”  
“I changed my mind. I want to go with you to the party. We haven’t gone out together in a while, and…”  
“But you’re on bedrest. I think it’s best that you stay home. We can go to plenty of parties after you’ve had the baby.” Standing beside me, he scoops up all of the discarded gowns. “Abigail will be here soon, and I won’t be alone at the party since Alex is coming with me. She can help you with Nikolas and Scarlett, so you can have an easy evening here—”  
“How can I have an easy evening knowing you’ll have Margaret drooling all over you? I have to go. You can’t make me stay here, Viktor. Not like this. I want to do this. I’ll… I’ll be fine there, you’ll see. I can't help but to worry about you... being with her. I'm sorry, but I do!"

"I fucked you this morning, didn't I? You forget so easily."

"It's- It's more than just  _fucking_ and you know that. You could fuck me a dozen times a day like you did at the beginning and it wouldn't make a difference, it's all in how you treat me when you aren't."  
“Yuuri…”  
“Stop _looking_ at me like I’m something to be pitied! I’m fine and I want to go with you!!”

Our little argument was interrupted by a knock at the front door, signaling Viktor’s leave. “We will discuss this later.”

Forcing ourselves to look as if we hadn’t been arguing, Viktor and I greeted our guests with smiles. Alex and Abigail would be staying with us until Christmas Eve. They were spending Christmas Day with the rest of the Nikiforov family.

I didn’t mind Abigail. I think she was like a younger version of me in many ways. Shy, quiet, but if you got to know her, she was fun to be around, very intelligent, and had a lot to say. I showed her to the guest bedroom (it’ll be the baby’s room in a few more weeks) and helped her with the fresh linens. “Looks like it’ll just be us and the children tonight,” she said with a smile. “Do you have anything cooking for dinner, yet?”  
“No… aren’t you going with Alex to the party?”  
“Me? No way. I don’t fit in at those things, and quite honestly, I’d prefer being here.”  
“I’m glad to hear that.” I told her, but she saw right through my fake smile.  
“You want to go, don’t you?” 

And with that, I quickly explained the Margaret situation, including my suspicions of affairs and why it was _really_ important for me to go with Viktor to this event. Not to babysit him, because I do trust him, but to make her _jealous_ .  
  
Abigail nodded to herself. “Then you should go. But don’t wear yourself out, you know? Be careful.”  
“Are you sure you wouldn’t mind watching the kids for me? I wouldn’t stay for too long, Viktor would probably drag me home not long after my arrival.”

“Oh, it’s no problem at all. Maybe we can catch up more tomorrow. I have a lot I want to talk to you about when the time’s right.”

“Why don’t you tell me while I get ready?”

I didn’t have much time to get ready, especially since I still hadn’t decided on an outfit, but still, it seemed somewhat important, whatever it was she had to say. Abigail followed me to my room and watched me go through my closet yet again. “Remind me, why are you going?”  
“To make Margaret _jealous_ ,” I huff as I push aside more of Viktor’s suits.  
“So, what might be appropriate to wear if you want to make her jealous? I mean, just being there would probably do the trick, but… you’re probably thinking that she’s quite dressed up for this event.”

“In my old seductive days,” I began, yanking a red dress from a hanger, “I relied on the color red. Red is my weapon against men. I just… don’t want _too_ many people looking at me. Or for my actions to reflect badly on Viktor.”  
“I think, if anything, they’ll envy him. Try that dress on, and we’ll go from there. Do you want help with your hair?”

I was perched in front of the vanity while Abigail very smoothly slicked back my hair. She stared at both of our reflections for a moment. “I suppose there’s no better time than the present. I found out, well… I had it _confirmed_ , that I…” Our eyes met. “I can’t have children.”

“Oh…” I placed my hand over hers. “How do you know? It’s early in their marriage still, you shouldn’t—”  
“No, we know. We know…” I didn’t press for details, but internally kicked myself for prying like that. “I’m not sad about it. As a matter of fact, I’ve always sort of known. Because of that, I’ve grown used to the idea of adoption. And we want to adopt as soon as possible. I just thought you should be the first to know.. I don’t want my parents finding out about this just yet.”

“We always wanted to adopt. We tried to, actually, it just… didn’t work out. But I hope it does for you, Abigail. I really do.”

.

I am taken back to a night seven and a half years ago that changed my life. A night where, just like now, I had to chase my husband. A night that I was pregnant. A night I wore a risky red dress. A night of murder. 

But I’m getting ahead of myself, here.

Before I left, Abigail helped me get ready, and admittedly I think she went a little overboard with the seduction part of the costume. To avoid scandalizing my new neighborhood, I wore a heavy fur coat to the car to cover the majority of the outfit, but the black heels click clacking down the driveway probably gave everything away.

It was the first time I’d gotten the privilege of taking my new car out for a spin. Viktor said he bought it for me for our anniversary earlier this year, but since I was so ill he lent it to a friend until I was healthy enough to use it. He gave it to me on my birthday a few weeks ago. It’s a sleek black with a leather interior, and I really do love it. I think it helped add to my seduction on that night.

When I arrived at the alleged location for the party, I was dismayed to find only a few cars parked out front. What kind of Christmas party was this? The way the invitation put it, it seemed as if quite a few people would be coming. Was this the wrong address, somehow?

A creepy house in the middle of nowhere, yep. This is the right house for an Altin bash.

After I rung the bell, I was met with a familiar face. Darcy Atkins, as thin as he was when we met. But the light in his eyes was gone now... “ _Darcy_! Gosh, it’s been forever! What are you doing here?” Tonight he was dressed a bit formally, and so I assumed he was one of the guests invited. Perhaps he got back together with his husband? I wondered how he knew Otabek.

“I should say the same. I don’t recall you being on the guest list…” He said formally.

“Isn’t Viktor here?”  
“Viktor? No, he hasn’t arrived yet. Oh well, you might as well come in. I’m sure your host won’t mind. This way, please.”

“My host?” I raised an eyebrow. “You mean Otabek Altin, don’t you?”

“Shall I take your coat?” He cleared his throat, avoiding my question. Wait, he was the butler? Why would Otabek hire Darcy as a butler? What was going on here?  
“Umm… no thank you, I’ll keep it for now.”

“Very well. Follow me to the lounge. You can wait there until Viktor arrives. It might be awkward coming into a party without him.”  
“Okay… lead the way.”

The house was dark, and so I could hardly see the details, but regardless it was unfamiliar to me. I was really sure that Otabek never mentioned owning a home in New York. _This is hardly festive enough for a Christmas party…._

The lounge was just as dark, not a festivity or soul in sight. It was comfortable, at the very least, with a warm fire in the fireplace. “Please wait here. I’ll have him pick you up.”

“Darcy, wait,” I reached for his arm, but he closed the door on me, _locking it._ At least there was champagne and cookies. I was always willing to eat.

 .

After what felt like hours, the door unlocked. I sat up straight, eager to finally show Viktor my outfit. To my horror, it was just Alex instead!

Yelping, I yanked my coat on, but it was too late. He saw my outfit... every inch of it and more. “Ah, h-hi! I- I didn’t think anyone else was coming!”  
“What are you doing here?” His face was turning red. He saw the damn outfit. I was such a slut.

“Well, I wanted to come, and then Darcy told me to wait in here until Viktor arrived, so I’ve been in here forever.”

“We’ve been here for more than an hour… all of us are in the parlor currently. I just came in here for some quiet, I have a headache.”

“Oh, in that case,” I brushed past him in a hurry, hoping he didn't see how red my face was, redder than his, “can you show me where the parlor is? Now I feel ridiculous.”

“You don’t want to go in there. Margaret’s being… very flirtatious today.”

“Is that the real reason you’re in here?”

“Yes, I can’t stand her attitude. I wouldn’t want to upset Abigail with rumors, either. Since you’re here, maybe I’ll go ahead and leave soon.”

“You’re a good husband. Unlike mine, who is probably enjoying himself thoroughly. Well, I don’t have to take this from him. Before you leave, can you tell him to come to the lounge so I can speak with him in private?”

“You may have an audience with Mrs. Phillips, but sure. Can I use your car?”

“Help yourself.”

 

***

I heard Alex and Viktor talking in the hall outside the lounge, and so I took that time to ready myself for seeing Viktor. I propped myself up on a nearby table and waited, taking a few deep breaths.  _Try not to sound too jealous. We're here to seduce, not reduce attraction. Stay focused._  
  
The door clicked open once again, but this time, Viktor switched on the lights. "Why was it so dark in here..." He mumbled to himself, staring at the floor for a moment. He caught sight of one of my heels, and slowly, ever so slowly, looked up.  


"Y-Yuuri... what are you doing here?" He asked, already pulling at his tie.  
"I told you I wanted to come," I said casually with a shrug of the shoulders, "so I did. And I've been waiting here for you for over an hour. Where have you been?"

"Ah, you were?" Viktor's face was gradually getting redder and redder with every moment passing as blood rushed to it, and I wondered where else blood was rushing.   
"But according to Alex," I stand, the length of the dress tumbling down to pool by my ankles, "you've been entertained by Mrs. Phillips all evening."  
"That's  _not_ —"  
"It's true that she might be beautiful..." I hugged my wrap close to me, hips swaying a bit as I moved to the window, back facing him. "But we both know I give you so much more than she ever could. We both know you  _need_ me."  
"I need you," he echoed, trailing up behind me. "Yuuri, listen, whatever Alex said—" I swat his hands away when he tried to place them at my waist. "I only came here because Otabek invited me, you know that."

"Otabek isn't here, is he?"

Viktor paused. This time, I let him touch my arm, let him turn me around. "No, he isn't. And I really wish you hadn't come. Something isn't right here."  
"Then why didn't you leave?" I asked.  
"I didn't want to seem suspicious. But that... that butler, he looks familiar. And whenever I ask just when our host is arriving, he insists to enjoy another drink, that all will be well soon. The hell does that mean? Do you know that I haven't felt this nervous since the night Feltsman died?"

"Then we should go home. Now, before something  _does_ happen." Just before I walked away, he cupped my cheek. "I'm afraid everyone already knows you're here."

"We can still leave. We don't have to stay like this, I- I brought a car, and—"  
"Alex told me the front door is locked and he cannot open it. He told me he'd look for another exit, but... I think we've fallen into a trap."  
"Oh god, not again...." Instead of trying to run away, I hid my face in his shoulder. "Viktor, for the love of God, stop getting us into these situations."  
" _You're_ the one that came. I told you to stay home."  
"And  _you_ don't own me and can't tell me what to do, so... I should've been with you from the beginning. You're just mean."  
"Yes. I'm mean. But I'm right." Viktor pressed a kiss on my shoulder. "God, you haven't worn this in ages. You look  _stunning_ , and yet... I can't believe you thought to wear this around others, knowing what kind of effect it has on my pants."

"That was exactly the point... take it off of me if it bothers you so much."  
"What?"  
"Take it off of me."

"Right now? Is now really the best time?"  
"We're stuck here, and if I leave this room I might punch Margaret's lights out. So you'll have to keep me here."

"Alright, I guess it would be better not to ruin this beautiful gown, anyway." Taking me by surprise, he hefted me onto the nearby table, my legs on either side of him. "I wish you dressed like this more often, but I completely understand why you don't. It is my fault, besides."  
"Yes it is. And to think I was using my contraceptives so responsibly.."

"It only takes one time, you know. At least I can't get you more pregnant than you already are." And just like that, his lips were moving down my neck, heading towards my sensitive spot...  
"Hah... imagine how good I'd look if my stomach wasn't in the way. Margaret would be so jeal—" Viktor's hand clamped down on my thigh. Hard. "Stop worrying about her. I don't want to hear her name come out of your mouth again."

"Yes, sir," I bit down on my lip, "but remember, it's  _your_ fault she is on my mind so often."

"Maybe I can help you to forget all that. To forget your own name, even."  
"Oh, God, please do..."

.

"Now where has that silly man run off to?" Margaret faked a giggle, feeling uncomfortable and flushed once the eyes of so many men on her became painfully obvious. She only dressed like this for Viktor, after all. "I'd better find him. And our host! I'm sure he'll be here soon."

"Shall I go in your place, ma'am?" Darcy asked, flinching at the cold look she tossed his way.  
"No, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. You just... keep an eye out for our host. I won't be long."

And she strutted down the hallway with the intention, indeed, of being long. Viktor must be out for a smoke, she thought, or tending to his sickly, dimwitted younger brother. Alex was kind of cute, she'd admit, but he seemed repulsed by her affections, which was honestly insulting. At least Viktor was kind when he brushed her off. 

Alex was nowhere to be found, but that didn't matter. She didn't want him coming, anyway. All of this was for Viktor.   
Just as she reached for the handle to the door outside the lounge, she heard noises coming from inside. To be frank, what sounded like sex noises.  _How dare you_! Without another thought, she burst into the room, but from our view, it looked like she was oblivious. "Viktor, where are you~? Our host is nearly— oh... hello."  
"Ah." She heard a rustle of fabric, and then Viktor zipping his trousers before he turned to her. I was still sprawled out, elbows resting on the table— covered, thankfully— hair disheveled, but I wasn't even embarrassed. "Sorry, I didn't think our host  _was_ coming." He helped me to my feet, where I was unsteady. I mean  _really_.

"Well, he's here now!" She exclaimed. "So you must hurry. Oh, and... you have something all over your face. Do you want me to help you wipe it off?"  
I cleared my throat. "He's fine. Actually, he's great. And  _he_ decided he wants to take me home now. This party is boring."

"Home? So soon? What a stickler..." She grinned at me. "Both of you should join us for dinner. Really, it'd be rude to leave before the host even arrives."  
"The host isn't coming." I retort, looking her in the eye. "You're too flirtatious with my husband, he's uncomfortable, so we're leaving. Simple as that. Viktor, grab my coat, would you?"

"Wait!" She suddenly grabbed my arm, squeezing a little hard. "H-He'll be here soon, I promise! And I'm sure he'd love to see you!"  
"Unhand me," I attempted to pry her hand from my arm, but she had a firm grip and refused to let go. "Margaret, I said  _let go_ of me!"  
Finally, Viktor intervened and gently pushed her away. "Margaret, you have to stop this, it's getting out of hand."

"Stop what? You're all so mean to me! I didn't even want Yuuri coming and of course he did anyway dressed like a whore to show me up! He's always trying to ruin everything for me! Tonight was supposed to be about  _me_!" Before we could correct her statement, pointing out that Otabek was our supposed host and questioning whether or not she set up the whole ordeal, she left us stranded in the lounge, locking us in.

"We really,  _really_ need to go home..."  
"No kidding. Let's see if we can get one of these windows open."  
"It's a bit high off the ground... and in these shoes, I... I would probably hurt myself."  
"Take them off, then."

I helped him in his strife to open one of the large windows in the lounge, but they wouldn't budge, almost as if they were glued shut. "Shit... I guess we have to try the door, then."  
"And if that doesn't work?" I followed him to the door. "What is  _wrong_ with her? She wasn't like this when I first met her."  
"People can deceive, Yuuri. You've always trusted too easily."

Needless to say, we couldn't get the door open easily, and breaking it down seemed a little rash. So we decided to wait a little while longer. Surely, someone else would get curious about where Viktor ran off to and find us. We sat on the floor by the fire for another forty two minutes. First, we talked about Christmas and how we wanted to celebrate in the new house. We still had to get a tree. And then, we started talking about how we would decorate the baby's room, which currently held a guest bed but would soon be replaced by a cradle and other baby things. The walls were light blue. I had a lot of ideas. Viktor suggested a large armchair with an ottoman for those nights when the baby just won't sleep. I told him I'd end up calling it my bed if we do buy one.

After that, we discussed whether or not it was important for our children to attend private and preparatory schools in the future, or if public education was fine enough. By then, I was so tired from the evening and exerting myself as I had with him the hour before, and began to doze against his shoulder. He tipped his head back against the wall, closed his eyes, and seemed to get some rest as well.........

_BANG!_

Jolting awake, my first thought was to find Viktor, to make sure he was alright. Thankfully, he was still beside me, but there had been a gunshot,  _close_ to the lounge. Quiet as a mouse, he tiptoed to the door to check if it was unlocked. It was. "We should go," he whispered, "before we're accused of murder and forced to wait here all night."

"We should check to see if the coast is clear, first." I stood and found his hand in the darkness. "Maybe it was nothing. But we should hurry while we have the chance."

Viktor slowly, ever-so-carefully, twisted the knob on the door and peeked his head out to check if the coast was clear. I wish he'd looked down. "I don't see anyone. Come on," he gently tugged my hand. No sooner had I stepped into the hall did I feel my foot hit something and almost tripped. "Oh, my God!"

There was a man lying on the ground just in front of us, a gun beside him. Wincing, Viktor knelt down to check his pulse. The grim expression of his said everything. "We should go."  
"Go?! How can we go now, with this man lying here and a murderer nearby?? Viktor, wait!" Wasting no time, my husband lifted me from behind the legs and lugged me towards the front door. Much as I pled for him to let us go back inside and find help, he wouldn't be persuaded. My car was already gone, meaning Alex had left. At least he was safe.

.

"What if... what if they send the police after us? What if one of us goes to jail?"   
"Yuuri, I'm begging you,  _please_ stop asking me. I  _don't_ know."   
"I can't stop thinking about it. We could be in danger right now..."  
"Well, we'll be in just as much danger later this morning, but as it is three o'clock in the morning, I'd say we should get some sleep before the danger inevitably catches up to us. Fair?"

"Do you think he shot himself? And if not, who would do such a thing? Who  _was_ that man?" I turned on my side, facing him. "Did you know him? Is there any way you could be linked?"  
"I saw him at the party, but we didn't speak. He seemed drunk. He groped Margaret a lot. Now rest."

"It may have been her husband... I know they didn't like each other."

He didn't respond after that, so I let the subject drop until both of us had a chance to rest.

***

Over the following day, I spent most of my time being paranoid, watching out the window for the police or the murderer themselves. I even initially refused going to dinner with everyone that evening in fear I might be seen by someone I was avoiding. I told them I'd stay home with Scarlett, that is, until Viktor reminded me I'd be alone, giving the alleged murderer I feared a perfect opportunity to get me. He's a cruel man. Even Abigail told him so. 

We went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants by the theatre downtown. It's reservation only, which kind of made me feel a little better about being out. The murderer couldn't have known where we were going, and they wouldn't be allowed in the restaurant without a reservation. If they tried, they'd be escorted out, and I'd be safe. 

About halfway through dinner, Viktor noticed a headline on the front page of the newspaper our son was coloring on and went pale. " _Phillips, 51, dies in apparent murder in his country home on Saturday night._.."  
"Holy sh—"   
"Margaret Phillips must have killed her husband! I know it! Nikolas, sweetie, can I borrow that for a second?" Snatching the paper from my son, I squint at the article in search of more information. " _The motives behind the murder are unknown, and the murderer hasn't been found. Wife, Margaret Phillips, describes two suspicious persons who obtained entry into the home that evening, arriving uninvited to the couple's party... the police are currently looking into these allegations_."

Abigail and Alex looked at us, utterly baffled at why we were so concerned about a random man's murder. But this branch of the Nikiforov family had a knack for staying out of other people's business. "You know what? I saw a lovely statue of a mermaid by the bathrooms. Scarlett, why don't we go take a look at it?"  
"Yay! I love mermaids!"  
"I like mermaids too," Alex murmured, following his wife and my daughter towards the bathrooms. All that was left was Nikolas. "Did I color something bad?" He asked, wondering why we were so interested in the paper.  
"No, of course not. We just found a very interesting article." I smiled, patting his head. "So... how do you, um... like the new house? It's pretty nice, isn't it?"  
"It's okay." He shrugged. "What's going on? Why do you and Daddy look so upset?"

"Nothing's going on, Nikolas, don't you worry." Viktor took his turn at attempting to diffuse the situation. "What film do you want to see tonight?"  
"I dunno. Scarlett usually chooses or else she ends up crying, so.."

"Why don't you choose tonight? I'm sure Scarlett won't mind."

.

Scarlett did, in fact, mind, but most of that night, I was in a daze, so I cannot recall how Viktor dealt with her tantrum or what film we saw. I triple checked that the door was locked that night and couldn't fall asleep without a pill.

Margaret was going to tell the police we killed her husband.

.

The twenty-third of December came with a lot of snow. Because of the weather and the date, we were almost positive at this point that Yuri wouldn't be visiting us for Christmas as he always did. Our repeated attempts at phone calls yielded no success. I had to assume he'd gone elsewhere for the holidays. However, we did receive a guest that day, one that surprised even me.

The guest arrived at 6:30 in the morning, ringing the doorbell repeatedly. Apparently, I was still in a heavy sleep from my medication and didn't hear it. But because of the frequency of the doorbell ringing, Viktor assumed it wasn't a murderer. Murderers don't typically ring the bell, he thought to himself. He slipped on a teeshirt and hurried to the door before the ringing woke up the entire household. In his briefs and teeshirt, he was met with a gust of ice cold air from the snow barreling down, and a young man with eyes just like his own. "F-Finally... I-I was w-worried no one was home."

"Dima... what the hell are you doing here? Come in, you idiot, it's freezing out there!"

Dmitry wore only a light jacket. There wasn't a car in sight. There was ice in his bright blond hair. "I wouldn't have come here if my car hadn't broken down." He told his brother, gratefully accepting the throw blanket Viktor tossed his way.  
"Where did your car break down?"  
"About four miles from here. I was on my way south after dropping off a friend in New York City, anyway, then the snow started and I wrecked on a backroad. Alex told me your house was nearby and so I tried to hitchhike but nobody was out on the road. And an old man who lived nearby told me where I was, so then I figured I could walk it. He gave me a lantern, and off I went. That was about an hour ago."

"You're insane..." Viktor laughed, failing to keep a straight face. "But I'm glad you decided to swallow your pride and ask me for assistance, although you probably won't get anywhere today on these roads. You're more than welcome to stay until the roads clear. We don't have any spare beds, but the couch is plenty comfortable."

"The floor would even be fine, I'm beat." He trudged towards the sofa, which looked more like a cloud to him.   
"Wait, before you soak the couch. Let me get you something of mine to wear until we can dry your clothes. You're chilled to the bone."

.

I woke up at seven thirty to an empty bed and no idea that we had another guest in the house. Being naked (as usual), I tied my bathrobe and went to find where my husband had wandered off to this time. I found him in the kitchen washing a few dishes, his head in the clouds. He didn't even notice I was there.

I cleared my throat, letting my robe slip open. Hand on my hip, I said, "You promised to fuck me when I woke up."

"I did, didn't I? Go get back in bed, I'll be there in a minute."

"Why not now?" I whined, robe slipping off my shoulders. "I was so good yesterday, I didn't ask once... why can't you reward me?"

"Kids might hear," He replied calmly, drying the last of the dishes. "I  _want_ to reward you, but not here. Trust me, it's a bad idea."

"How can you look at me like this and not want me? I'm... insulted to say the least!"  
"Yuuri..."  
"Every time you wake up with a hard dick I let you turn me over and fuck me but the  _one time_ I have to ask for sex, you—"  
"Yuuri, my brother is here. In the living room."

This was how I met Dmitry Nikiforov. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This BEAUTIFUL ART WAS DONE BY SILKYOMEGA ON TWITTER PLEASE SUPPORT THEM IF YOU CAN <3
> 
> Sorry this chapter was short, I've been having a crisis on my future but it's okay now, I hope to update more soon. 
> 
> Next time: Yuuri goes back to the hospital because he doesn't know how to follow bedrest rules.


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